What Would Jesus Discount?

| Nova Scotia, Canada | Liars & Scammers, Religion, Uncategorized

(Three teenagers come up to my register to buy some CD cases.)

Me: “And that comes to $10.33.”

Teenager: “What if my dad was the Prime Minister?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Teenager: “What if he came in, and said it was $5?”

Me: “It would still be $10.33?”

(He seems to think this over for a minute.)

Teenager: “Well, what if he was the government?! Then what?”

Me: “The price would still be $10.33.”

Teenager: “Okay, so then, what if Jesus himself came into the store, and came up to you, and said it was $5?”

Me: “Well, Jesus would still have to pay full price. Which is $10.33.”

Teenager: “If Jesus was here, you’d be going to h***!”

A Smooth Transaction

| Chesterfield, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque, Uncategorized

(Around 2 a.m, a man comes in and is searching up and down the aisle I am stocking.)

Me: "Hello sir, can I help you find anything?"

Customer: "No, it’s much too embarrassing to ask for."

Me: "Okay, well let me know."

(He walks away and continues searching. Five minutes later he’s back.)

Customer: "I’ve decided I don’t care how embarrassing it is."

Me: "Okay."

Customer: "Where’s the lube!?"

Lack Of Support Is A Hot Topic

, | United Kingdom | Health & Body, Top

(It’s about 32C (89F) outside, so pretty hot. A fairly large lady comes into the shop wearing an enormous, thick fleece sweater and comes up to a colleague and myself at the desk.)

Customer: “Warm today!”

Me: “Certainly is! Can we help you?”

Customer: “I need an outfit for a wedding. But now I’m here I think I’m too hot to try on clothes. Here, feel how hot I am!”

(Before I can stop her, she grabs my hand from the desk and wipes it across her very, very sweaty forehead. I’m speechless.)

Customer: “See?!”

Me: *trying to discreetly wipe my hand on my leg* “Yes, you’re clearly very hot indeed. Maybe you could find some clothes and try them at home? You can return them, that’s no problem.”

Customer: “Oh, I may as well now I’m here. I could also do with being measured for a new bra. Have you got any fitters in today?”

(My colleague, who is the store’s lingerie specialist, suddenly goes wide-eyed and jumps in immediately.)

Colleague: “I… No. No, we do not! Not today.”

Wish You Could White-Out That Last Comment, Part 2

| California, USA | Crazy Requests, Uncategorized

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have any black paper?”

Me: “Sorry, we have lots of colors of paper, but no black. There is black construction paper on the art supply aisle, though.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have any here?”

Me: “Because it would be really hard to see the ink on a black piece of paper, so most of our paper colors are bright, pastel or white.”

Customer: “You don’t have white ink like the other printers?”

Me: “There is white ink, but I’m pretty sure it’s used for printing on fabric, not on paper.”

Customer: “Then how did they make this?”

(She shows me a flyer with a black background and white text.)

Me: “That’s called knockout text, the black background is printed with ink, and the white lettering is just the white paper underneath. I can certainly do something like that for you if you want.”

Customer: “Well, that’s just wasteful. Can’t you put some white-out in your machine and print on black paper?”

Related:
Wish You Could White Out That Last Comment

Lt. Ripley Goes Shopping

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | At The Checkout, Pets & Animals, Uncategorized

Customer: “Do you have any wasp spray?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re currently out. Maybe [other store] has it.”

(The customer thanks me and walks away. Thirty minutes later I see him at the checkout with a super-soaker, some lighters and a one liter bottle of lighter fluid. I just stare at him in disbelief.)

Customer: “Wish me luck!”

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