I’m giving away a load of pieces of furniture that we no longer need, including a pair of dining chairs. A woman tells me she wants them and (eventually) accepts that she will collect them.

Me: “The address is [address]. What time will you collect?”

Customer: “I don’t know. Tomorrow afternoon?”

Me: “Okay, but what time roughly? I don’t want to leave them out and have it rain.”

Customer: “I don’t want them if they get rained on.”

Me: “Yes, so tell me what time you will be here. I will put them outside just before you get here.”

Customer: “1:00?”

Me: “Okay, thank you. I will put them outside at 12:30.”

When 12:30 comes around, I put the chairs outside and get back to work. I check outside at 13:30; the chairs are still there. 14:00, 15:00, still there.

I get busy doing something and don’t notice the rain; it rains for nearly an hour before I realise that I should check them. The last thing I want is chairs that no one wants. I check and they are gone; it looks like they were taken only recently as I can see an outline where the chairs blocked the rain.

I think nothing of it until around 21:00 when I get a message.

Customer: “I’ve come to collect the chairs but they’re not there, and you are not answering the door.”

Me: “You are eight hours late. Someone else has them now.”

Customer: “You’re lying. We agreed that I could have them; I have driven here all the way from [Place not actually far away].”

Me: “Tough, the chairs are gone. Try showing up when you promised. I am out with my family, so I won’t be answering the door.”

She tried to call my phone, but I rejected the call and switched my phone off. Apparently, the neighbours saw her screaming into the letterbox for half an hour. They were going to call the police, but thankfully, she left before then.

I work in a store that sells just infomercial products. I love my job because the owner allows us to have a backbone and refuse service. Since it’s a small mom-and-pop shop, we can’t give you your money back, only store credit within two weeks. Technically, we can’t take any returns.

I come in ten minutes early to open the store like I usually do, and an old lady tries to barge in after me with a bag. I stop her from coming in.

Me: “Woah, there! We open at 11:00; you’ve still got ten minutes!”

Customer: “Oh, I didn’t notice.”

I doubt that but she waits outside until we open. I tend to open the doors five minutes before 11:00, but I know how this interaction is going to go, so I open the doors when the clock actually hits 11:00.

The woman wants to return two cat things: one a four-in-one cat toy and the other a pet hair trimmer.

Customer: “I had this toy out for an hour, and my cats didn’t touch it.”

I take the toy out of the box, and it isn’t damaged or anything, so I can exchange that.

Me: “Okay, it doesn’t look damaged or anything, so I can exchange that. What about the trimmer?”

Customer: “It just didn’t work that well.”

I open the box. The trimmer has black and grey fur all over it, and the blades are all dirty and have cat hair, too.

Me: “Well, we can do a return on the toy but not the trimmer because of how dirty it is.”

Customer: “Oh, my son must have forgotten to clean that.”

She pulls off a good portion of the hair stuck between the blades.

Customer: “It’s still good! I just want my money back.”

Me: “We can’t take it back. This is one of the items we have to be really careful and strict with. We’ve had a lot of people buy razors and trimmers, use them up, and try to bring them back with the argument that they bought them that way, full of dirty hair.”

Customer: “It’s not fair that I can’t return this! I want to speak to a manager!”

Me: “I’m the only one in the store, but I’ll call the manager.”

I call her, since she’s the one who works there six days a week anyway and was working yesterday when the lady bought the trimmer. I bring the manager up to date on the whole story (or as much as I can with the customer standing right in front of me listening to me) and send her pictures of the product.

Me: “Is this something I should return? I mean, you’re the one who will have to deal with cleaning it and possibly putting it back on the shelf.”

Manager: “It’s up to you. You also have to add the factor of whether it’s legitimately broken or not. If it is, then yeah, we can swap it out. If it’s not, then maybe we can exchange it if it’s clean. But I’ll go on your word.”

Me: *To the customer* “Did the trimmer not work at all, or did it just not work well enough?”

Customer: “It worked, but not well enough.”

I thanked my manager and hung up.

Me: “I’m not going to exchange the trimmer because of how dirty it is. We’ve had too many people bring back razors with hair or even grease on them.”

Customer: “Call your manager again! She said if the trimmer doesn’t work, I can return it!”

I call again and ask if I can put it on speaker. They argue for a bit. The manager tells her exactly what I did, and she adds the fact that we technically don’t even have to accept the return, but we do it anyway for the benefit of the customer. The customer is unhappy but ends up accepting it. I hang up the phone.

Me: “Looks like you’ll be getting $22 in store credit.”

Customer: “That’s not right! The manager I spoke to yesterday said I could return it for my money back within two weeks with the receipt!”

Me: “You’re mistaken; you must have misunderstood her. Maybe she said ‘return’ and you thought she meant ‘refund’. That’s a common misconception.”

Customer: “I want to talk to your manager again! Call her!”

So, I call her AGAIN.

Me: “What did you tell this lady when she asked about the return policy yesterday?”

Manager: “I said what I usually say: store credit or exchange.”

She allows me to put it on speaker again. They argue again for a bit, the lady insisting my manager said something completely different from what my manager actually said. She finally accepts that she will get store credit.

Customer: “Does this store credit expire?”

Me: “No, it works like a gift card.”

Customer: “Can I use it at any other stores?”

Me: “No, all the as-seen-on-TV stores and websites are independently owned.”

She finally leaves. Ten seconds later, she comes back.

Customer: “I want your name and your manager’s! I going to file a complaint with [some bureau, I don’t remember].”

I give her our first names.

Customer: “I want your last names, too!”

Me: “There are a total of three employees at this store, including me. Our first names are good enough. It’s a very small business and none of us have the same names.”

Customer: “I want your manager’s last name!”

I refused to tell her. She kept demanding it, so I ended up giving her a fake last name for myself. She finally left, saying she was going to file a complaint with the owner. We haven’t heard from her since.

I once had a couple come in who’d bought a bed.

Man: “We were told we’d get free bedding.”

We’ve never given away free bedding.

Me: “Who was it that told you that?”

Man: “I don’t know, but he had dark hair.”

Me: “Short, with round glasses and a mustache?”

Man: *Nods eagerly* “Yes, yes!”

Me: “Nobody works here with that description.”

His face fell and he continued to tell me he was promised the bedding. I told him to get out and informed my boss.

My spouse and I, after many years of saving up, bought ourselves our first house. The house has a fairly old refrigerator, and when we test the electrical draw, we find that it’s gotten inefficient, so we save up to buy a new one.

We first attempt to buy it online. It’s “Cyber Monday” (in November) and there’s a huge sale on refrigerators, so we’re able to order one for about a quarter of the original list price. Because the deal is so good, they say that they’re low on stock, and the earliest time they can get us the fridge is several months later, in March. We call the energy company to have our old fridge picked up for a $50 rebate.

In January, we get an email from the refrigerator company saying that they cannot fulfill our order and that they’re canceling it against us. We call the energy company and cancel the pickup of our old fridge. Then, we start looking for a good deal on a fridge from a brick-and-mortar company.

Somehow the cancellation didn’t stick, and the energy company shows up to take our fridge in March as previously agreed. We talk to the fridge recovery people, and they look at our client notes and agree that it says in the notes that it should be canceled. Because of those call notes, we’re able to talk our way out of a cancellation fee.

In May, flush with our tax refund, we finally find a fridge we like, and it’s at about half of the original list price. We buy it and schedule to have our fridge picked up by the energy company.

The energy company initially refuses to do it because they think they’ve already picked up our fridge. Then, they cancel pickup because someone read the notes from the old pickup. Then, they come, but they somehow get the address wrong; they end up on the West version of our street rather than the East.

Finally, in June, they get the old fridge and take it. The $50 rebate is applied correctly to our energy bill for that month.

Fast-forward a year and a bit: on July 17th, a group of refrigerator delivery people shows up. This is almost but not quite two years after we placed the original order online.

We explain that we already have a refrigerator and they take it back. They promise that we’ll be refunded within three or four days. Refunded?! We check and, sure enough, money was taken from our bank account to pay for the refrigerator in late April and we hadn’t noticed.

Three or four days pass. No refund happens. We call the online retailer. Customer service is very understanding; they tell us they’ve fixed it, and if we give them three or four days, we’ll have the money.

Three or four days pass. No refund happens. We call the online retailer. Customer service says that there’s an error with the supplier. They forward our call to the supplier. The supplier makes some sort of changes in the computer system. They say it’s good, and we should give them three or four days and we’ll have the money.

Three or four days pass. No refund happens. We call the online retailer. Customer service says that there’s an issue with the supplier. They forward the call to the supplier. The supplier says that there’s an issue with the delivery people. They forward the call to the delivery people. The delivery people make some sort of changes in the computer system. They say it’s good, and we should give them three or four days and we’ll have the money.

Three or four days pass. It is now August. No refund has happened yet. We call the online retailer. Customer service says there’s an issue with the supplier.

Before they can forward it, I ask:

Me: “I’ve done this before. Can you please transfer me to a supervisor who can just give me my money back, and you guys can deal with whatever labyrinthine bureaucracy you’ve got to deal with on your own time?”

They transfer me to the supervisor.

Supervisor: “Yeah, I can fix it. This is going to be easy.”

This is followed by some frantic typing.

Supervisor: “Um… I think I can fix it, but something weird is happening.”

There’s more frantic typing.

I’m a bit unnerved by this response.

Me: “Something weird?” 

Supervisor: “Yeah, the number keeps changing on me… It shouldn’t.”

Further frantic typing follows. Then, she speaks once more.

Supervisor: “Okay. Well, at least I’m not going to be making this any worse.”

My eloquent and confused response is:

Me: “Uh… what?” 

Supervisor: “You’re going to get a lot of weird emails. Please just disregard them.”

It’s meant to be reassuring, but her tone is tense and afraid.

I stay quiet through more typing and arcane interjections.

Supervisor: “What if I credit it to the account directly?” “No, please don’t revert. Please don’t revert.” “What? Why?! That can’t be right.” “No, no, no! I have to start over again?!” “Okay, easy does it. Easy does it… Please take it… No!” “Why does it think that the ice maker hose was delivered with a different company?” “It’s the ice maker hose!” “It’s not the ice maker hose.” “Maybe it’s the ice maker hose?” “Okay, I can refund the fridge, but not the ice maker hose, but if I try to refund the fridge without the ice maker hose, it cancels out and I lose my work.” “Are you still on the line?”

Me: “Yeah. I’m still on the line. How’s it going?”

Supervisor: “Well, the problem is the ice maker hose, but I don’t seem to be able to resolve this within the system. I’m going to work around the system; I’m going to put in a fake order, apply the payment from the first order to it, and automatically refund it, okay?”

Me: “Uh… okay.”

Supervisor: “Okay. Good. Here goes.” *More typing* “And that was $918.17?”

I check my invoice.

Me: “Yeah. That’s correct.”

Supervisor: “Good.”

She’s literally panting on her end.

Supervisor: “I can see why. I can see why you weren’t getting your refund.”

She gives a slightly unhinged-sounding laugh.

Supervisor: “Uh… So, you should be seeing a credit to your account within twenty-four hours.”

Me: “Thanks. I appreciate the effort.”

Supervisor: “Thank you for your patience. Really.”

She says this with such heartfelt earnestness that I feel awkward and uncertain about how to respond.

Me: “Um… You’re welcome?”

Supervisor: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

She asks this sounding like she’s just lost a boxing match with a kangaroo.

Me: “No. I’m good. Thank you very much.”

All in all, the supervisor portion of this phone call took about forty-five minutes.

Exactly twenty-four hours later, sure enough, the credit showed up on our account. My spouse and I also double-checked to make sure they didn’t accidentally take more money from us, and they have not yet.

I want to thank that call center supervisor, who apparently wrestled some sort of arcane crocodiles to make sure I got my money back. Thank you. I hope that you have easier cases going forward.

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I occasionally have to deal with customers who swap price tags on things to try and get a lower price. One time, when a customer tried this, I told them what I usually do.

Me: “That was stupid. What you did could constitute fraud, which actually has a harsher sentence than theft.”

Customer: “You can’t talk to me like that!”