Should Have Stolen Some Military Intelligence

| Albany, NY, USA | Right | November 29, 2013

(I’m working at the service desk of a large retailer when I’m called into the security office by the asset control associate while he detains and questions a female who was caught shoplifting. I walk in and the girl is obviously in her early 20s. She’s sitting there trying to force out the most fake sobbing I’ve ever seen. Her boyfriend has come in to support her, but at the moment he has to wait outside the room.)

Coworker: “All right, well, the police are on the way and the store manager is on her way up—”

Shoplifter: “No! Please! You can’t do this! I can pay for the stuff!”

Coworker: “Miss, you tried stealing $300 worth of electronics.”

Shoplifter: “No, you don’t get it! I can pay for it! I was just… I wasn’t thinking! I’ve been really stressed!”

Coworker: “Stressed enough to try and walk out the front door with groceries covering a blu-ray player?”

Shoplifter: “Please! I can pay!”

Coworker: “You had a chance to pay for it when you went through the cash register to pay for your groceries, and you had a chance to pay for it when you walked through the store again, picked it up, and walked right by MORE registers to leave with it.”

Shoplifter: “I just… you’re wearing dog tags, right?! What military branch?”

Coworker: “Marines.”

Shoplifter: “Please! My boyfriend is a marine too! He just got back from Afghanistan!”

Coworker: “Really?”

(My coworker stands up, opens the door, and looks to her boyfriend who is still standing there waiting.)

Coworker: “Hey, what military branch are you in?”

Boyfriend: “Huh? I just finished boot camp for Air Force.”

Coworker: “Thanks.”

(My coworker shuts the door, and stares at the shoplifter accusingly.)

Coworker: “Air Force boot camp? Really? That’s cheap, miss.”

Shoplifter: “SAME THING!”

Coworker & Me: “It really isn’t.”

Shoplifter: “You guys suck! This is so stupid! Let me pay for it! Don’t call the cops! Please!”

Coworker: “Too late. Speaking of the police, your chariot awaits.”

(The store manager decided to press charges as it turned out she’d stolen from other stores in the area.)

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Just Burst Their Kentucky Fried Bubble, Part 3

| USA | Right | November 28, 2013

(I work for a gourmet chocolate shop, and the majority of our products are imported from several factories in Europe.)

Customer: “Do you have chocolate turkeys for Thanksgiving?”

Me: “No, Ma’am, we do not.”

Customer: “Why the f*** not?!”

Me: “Well, we’re a Swiss company, and they don’t celebrate Thanksgiving.”

Customer: “You’re a f***ing liar. Like h*** they don’t celebrate it. It’s a national holiday!”

Me: “Yes, it is. It’s a national holiday, Ma’am. It’s only celebrated here, in the US. You can try [other European brand], though. I’m pretty sure I saw chocolate turkeys in their window display.”

Customer: “Trying to make me look stupid, huh? Well fine, I’m never shopping here again! And everyone knows that turkeys are extinct in Europe, so why would [other European brand] have chocolate f****** turkeys?!”

Me: “…and you have a lovely day, Ma’am.”

Related:
From NotAlwaysLearning
Just Burst Their Kentucky Fried Bubble, Part 2
Just Burst Their Kentucky Fried Bubble

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Her Heart Is Just Not In It

| Sheffield, England, UK | Right | November 28, 2013

(A well-dressed, middle-aged lady comes to my till.)

Me: “Hello there, how can I help?”

Customer: “Just a packet of ten [Brand Cigarettes] please, dear.”

(I go to the cabinet, find the cigarettes, scan them, and hand them to the customer. She stares at the packet.)

Customer: “Oh, no, dear. I don’t think I’d like this packet.”

Me: “That’s okay, madam. Which brand would you like instead?”

Customer: “No, I mean I don’t like this packet. Could I have another please?”

(The customer gestures to the health message on the packet, which reads ‘Smoking causes throat cancer.’ It comes with a rather graphic picture.)

Me: “Oh okay, how about this one?”

(I hand the customer a packet labeled ‘Smokers die young.’)

Customer: “No… no, not this one either I’m afraid.”

Me: “Okay, madam. How about ‘Smoking harms both yourself and others around you’?”

Customer: “No, I don’t like that one.”

Me: “’Smoking causes heart disease’?”

Customer: “…no.”

Me: “‘Smoking can cause impotence’?”

Customer: *after a pause* “…yes. Yes, okay. I’ll have that one.”

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A False Senses Of Security

| Serverna Park, VA, USA | Working | November 28, 2013

(I am a cashier working. I see two of our security guards making comments and pointing at two customers in line at my till. The guards usually tease people and I just get annoyed. Then I look closely at the customers and see one has scars on their face, so I call the guards over.)

Security Guard #1: “Yeah?”

Me: “Why were you laughing at these ladies?”

Security Guard #2: “Duh! Because they’re d***s?”

Me: “Even if that is true, the word is lesbian, and this young lady is scarred. Please apologize!”

Security Guard #1: “But they’re f****** d***s! They look awful! Two girls together, laughing and kissing. They’re SOOO d***s! They’re disgusting!”

Security Guard #2: *to customers* “Get out of here you weirdos! This is a GOOD store. We don’t want you soiling it!”

(Security Guard #1 pushes the customers’ bag of goods on the floor, stamps on it and even rips a dress they were going to buy. One of the customers looks very upset and begins crying, while the one with scars holds her.)

Me: *to Security Guard #1* “Stop that! I’m telling [Manager] about your homophobia.”

Customer: “Listen, it’s okay.”

(The customer with scars comes up to the security guards, folds their arms and looks straight at them.)

Security Guard #1: “Well, what is it?”

Customer with scars: “I’m a MAN. And that’s my girlfriend. So, no. I’m NOT a ‘d***’, and I’d prefer it if you paid for our stuff.”

(The guards are so shocked, they don’t do anything. I call the manager over. Not only does he make the guards pay for what they did, but he gives the customers a 75% off coupon.)

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Totally Nuts

| USA | Right | November 27, 2013

(I work in the produce department of a large chain supermarket. As usual, greeting customers as they come in is a pretty common experience and the response is almost always the same. However, tonight, you could say, was a change of pace.)

Me: “Hi, sir, how are you today?”

Guy: “It’s cold as h*** in here! Is your nut-sack shriveled up in your belly like mine is?”

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