Fabricate An Excuse Not To

| Lansdale, PA, USA | Crazy Requests, Home Improvement

(A customer comes into the fabric store where I work. She is holding a scrap of plain black fabric, about the size of a postage stamp.)

Customer: “Excuse me; I need help. I purchased a few yards of this fabric the other day, and I need more of it.”

Me: “Okay, do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Do you have the serial number?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Uh, do you know what the fabric was called? Or where you found it?”

Customer: “Nope.”

Me: “So, you want me to look through every black fabric in the entire store until I find one that looks similar?”

Customer: “Could you?”

Purple People Displeaser

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

(I work in the customer service department for an adult goods store. I receive a phone call.)

Me: “Hello, you’re speaking to [name] at [adult store]; how can I help?”

Customer: “I’m not happy with my order; it’s the wrong colour! I want an apology!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir; if you give me the order number I’ll investigate.”

(The customer gives me his order number, and we verify the security details.)

Me: “Okay, so which item was incorrect, please?”

Customer: “It was the Purple [Name]!”

Me: “I see, I’m very sorry to hear that. What colour did you receive?”

Customer: “Purple! I don’t like purple!”

Me: “So, you ordered an item called the Purple [Name], but you didn’t want it in purple? I’m afraid it only comes in purple, but we’d be happy to refund you.”

Customer: “That’s not good enough! How was I supposed to know it was purple?! I don’t like purple things!”

Me: “Okay, did you purchase this through our website?”

Customer: “Yes, I was looking at the pictures and this one looked good, so I added it to my basket!”

Me: “So, you saw that the item was purple in the picture. You saw it had purple in the name, and then you added it to your basket, and confirmed this when you selected your payment method; is that correct?”

Customer: “Yes! But it didn’t send me a message to say it was purple! Your company is terrible!”

It Doesn’t Matter If You’re Pokémon Black Or White

| AZ, USA | Bizarre, Criminal & Illegal, Musical Mayhem

(A customer dressed like Michael Jackson walks into the store. He is carrying a boom-box, and an armful of Pikachu dolls. There are even more spilling out of his outfit. He is wearing a GIGANTIC rainbow Afro wig. My colleagues and I call him ‘Michael Jackson Wannabe’ (MJW). He is receiving comments from other customers.)

Other Customer: “Hey, Michael Jackson! It isn’t Halloween!”

(MJW says nothing. Extremely loud disco music starts playing from his boom-box. He starts dancing and moon-walking, while carrying his massive collection of dolls. Although a skilled dancer, he is more than unsettling due to his attire and massive collection of stuffed animals.)

Me: “Dude, quit. You’re freaking everyone out.”

(I turn down the music.)

Michael Jackson Wannabe: “LET THE MUSIC PLAY!”

(He turns the music all the way up again, and starts throwing his dolls at me and my coworker. I dive for cover behind the counter while my coworker calls the police. MJW is now holding his boom-box and is dancing right in front of a clearly annoyed elderly customer.)

Elderly Customer: “FALL!”

(The elderly customer snatches the boom-box right out of MJW’s hands, and THROWS it at him. MJW is knocked off his feet from the weight of the boom-box. The elderly customer looks over at me.)

Elderly Customer: “Do you think I took it a little too far?”

Me: “…yeah.”

(The police arrive, and take both MJW and the elderly customer away in handcuffs. The next day, the elderly customer comes back. He was jailed overnight for harming MJW. The police would have kept him longer, but they were sympathetic to the fact that he did stop a guy that was disturbing the peace.)

Elderly Customer: “Do you get a lot of weirdoes in here?”

Me: “Like that guy dressed like Michael Jackson? No not really. When we do, they’re like him, really loopy.”

(Surprisingly, the elderly customer gave me a $100 bill. Even better: we now sell Pokémon dolls! Thanks MJW, for introducing a new product to the store, even though you destroyed half the shop doing so.)