Honesty Among Thieves

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | Uncategorized

(A couple walks in and sets off the alarm. It is store policy to ask if they have just bought anything and suggest they go back to have it desensitized.)

Me: “Hi. Did you happen to just buy something that might have set off the alarm?”

Customer: “No, we just stole a boatload of stuff next door and are coming in here now.”

Alarm Bells Will Be Ringing

| Long Island, NY, USA | Uncategorized

(I work in a department next to the exit. A mother, father, and daughter set off the alarm.)

Me: “Excuse me, I need to check your bag for something.”

Husband: “God, really? Fine.”

(I pull out a kid’s DVD.)

Daughter: “What’s that?”

Wife: “Great, just great! Here honey, this was supposed to be one of your Christmas presents! This woman here RUINED CHRISTMAS! I hope you’re happy that you ruined Christmas for this entire family!”

Oh You Sleigh Me

| PA, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m shopping for Christmas ornaments when a woman and her husband walk into the store.)

Wife: “Look at this, this is a sin! They hardly have anything.”

Husband: “The Christmas section gets smaller and smaller each year. I barely saw any decorations in the store, either.”

Wife: *picking up an angel table topper* “This is just disrespectful. They should have another three or four kinds of trees!”

Husband: “I agree dear, this selection is disappointing. How are we supposed to properly celebrate with this?”

(They continue on like this for another 5-10 minutes. Finally, the woman storms up to me.)

Wife: “You! As a God fearing Christian, do you think this tiny little section is disrespectful to our Lord and Savior? How dare they not be respectful of our religious beliefs! We should go complain!”

Me: “Yeah, I know what you mean. I’m Pagan and I can never find any good Beltane decorations here.”

(She literally run from the seasonal section. I hear a security alarm a minute or two later. I think she forgot to pay for the angel that she never put down.)

Best Try The Duet Yourself Checkout

| Adelaide, Australia | Uncategorized

(An elderly gentleman selects a paintbrush and takes it to the counter.)

Customer: “Now, I don’t pay for items. I sing and dance on the table tops instead.”

Me: (I laugh, thinking he’s joking.) “That’s $1.19 please.”

Customer: “Well I reckon that’d be about a minute’s worth of singing.”

Me: *still thinking he’s joking* “Actually it’s $1.19 so it’s probably more like a minute and twenty seconds.”

(The customer then starts singing a monotone song – something about a cat. He is hobbling from side to side. I couldn’t help it; I just laughed until tears were running down my face.)

Customer: “That was verse one! There are 93 more!”

Me: “In that case I’ll just take the cash.”

Totally Lost The Pot

| Wellington, New Zealand | Uncategorized

(I am working checkouts when a customer comes up with a stack of small buckets.)

Customer: “There should be about 23 of those.”

Me: “What do you use these for?”

Customer: “My husband uses them to mix cement, and then he just throws them out.”

(I begin scanning the buckets. Suddenly, the customer comments loudly.)

Customer: “We are not using them to grow pot!”

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