Showing Devilish Customers How It’s Done

| AK, USA | Right | December 13, 2013

(A particularly angry customer comes through my line. Despite my best and calmest efforts to help, she begins to yell at me in front of the whole line. Among other things, she calls me names, says I don’t deserve to be alive, and then tries to punch me on the top of my head. I have to spend a full twenty minutes in the break room to try and calm down. One of my coworkers has witnessed the whole thing. The very next day, the customer returns, acting like nothing has happened. My coworker suddenly stands in front of customer.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Customer: “What?! Why?”

Coworker: “Because yesterday you yelled at and assaulted one of my coworkers until she cried. I believe that’s grounds for a ban from the store. Please get out.”

Customer: *growing angry* “You can’t do that, you brat!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, three minutes’ worth of security footage and several witnesses says I CAN do that. You will not be welcome here any longer. Leave.”

Customer: “You can just go to H***, you—”

Coworker: “I went there once. Now I RULE it. Now GET OUT OF OUR STORE.”

(By this time three of the managers have arrived to back him up and escort the customer out. She screamed for a little while longer but eventually left, and never came back!)

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The Price Is Right, The Customer Is Not

| Denver, CO, USA | Right | December 13, 2013

(It is Thanksgiving. A customer comes up to the register with a mountain of ads from other stores, since we offer price match. She puts three turkeys on the belt.)

Customer: “Hi. [Competitor Store] has turkeys for 87 cents a pound. Can you match it?”

(Our price is 79 cents a pound.)

Me: “Oh, ma’am. No need to price match; ours is cheaper.”

Customer: “No, it’s not. I see the prices and [Competitor Store] prices are much cheaper.”

Me: “Honestly, ma’am, they are indeed cheaper.”

Customer: “Please humor me. Honor your policy and give me the price I want!”

(At this point I shrug my shoulders and comply.)

Me: “Alright. Your total is $47.90.”

Customer: “See! Much cheaper.”

(The customer puts the turkeys in her cart and walk away. About twenty minutes later, I’m helping the customer service desk. The same woman from earlier comes in line looking clearly upset. I open my register. Since she is next in line, she comes to me.)

Customer: “You cheated me! You gave me [Competitor Store] price when you knew your stores prices were cheaper!”

Me: “Ma’am, if I remember correctly, I tried telling you our price. You insisted on getting [Competitor Store] prices. Knowing that the customer is always right, I did as you wished.”

(The customer turns bright red and starts yelling.)

Customer: “In this case the customer was wrong! Now give me your price.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Once meat leaves the store, we can no longer return it, nor change the price you received.”

(The customer screams. She takes her three turkeys and runs off.)

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How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 2

| England, UK | Working | December 12, 2013

(Occasionally, when we have a slack day, I play with telemarketers and scam artists. I pick up the phone.)

Scammer: “This is [Name] from Microsoft. We have noticed that your PC has a virus.”

Me: “I don’t have a police constable.”

Scammer: “No! No, your WINDOWS PC. It has a virus.”

Me: “I still don’t have a police constable. Certainly not one with a cold, in my window.”

Scammer: “NO! Your PC! Your Windows computer!”

Me: “But I don’t have a computer in my window.”

Scammer: “NO! The computer you are using! It runs a program called Windows! It has a virus!”

Me: “My window has a virus?”

Scammer: “NO! THE COMPUTER! It has downloaded a virus from the internet!”

Me: “Oh! I wonder how it did that.”

Scammer: “Right! We can fix that for you.”

Me: “But my computer doesn’t have any windows in it. How did it catch the virus?”

Scammer: “No, it’s the program that runs the computer. It’s called Windows!”

Me: “No, it isn’t.”

Scammer: “Yes! It’s what makes the computer work!”

Me: “No, it doesn’t!”

Scammer: “Well, what do you think makes your computer work, then?”

Me: “OS X!”

(The scammer hangs up!)

Related:
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers

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He Has The Floor Model But His Wife Has The Floor

| Allentown, PA, USA | Right | December 12, 2013

(My fair-trade, non-profit store is rather on the small side. We have no stockroom, meaning that all of our available merchandise is on the sales floor. One night I am working alone when new customers come in. The wife is very pleasant, but the husband decides that he’s going to do everything in his power to mess with me. After about twenty minutes of his questioning my store’s mission, whether we really qualify as a non-profit, and why he should care about the people who make the products we sell, he and his wife decide on a silk lamp. We have only one available.)

Customer: “How much is the lamp?”

Me: “That is [price].”

Customer: “I mean after my discount. You’re going to give me a discount because I’m buying the floor model.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t have a back room. Everything we sell is the ‘floor model.’ It’s going to be [price].”

Customer: “Oh, come on! You gotta give me some kind of discount!”

Customer’s Wife: “Honey, stop talking before I tell her to add on a bonus charge for having to put up with you.”

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Solving A Thorny Issue

| MO, USA | Right | December 12, 2013

(A phone call comes in at work.)

Me: “This is the electronics department. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I need this movie for my nephew! It’s all he wants.”

Me: “Okay, which movie is it?”

Caller:Game of Thorns! Number two!”

Me: “Oh, Game of Thrones, maybe? The second season?”

Caller: “NO! Game of THORNS! NUMBER two!”

Me: “I don’t believe there’s a movie called Game of Thorns. I do have the second season of Game of Thrones, though.”

Caller: *very angry now* “It’s Game of Thorns! Thorns! T-H-R-O—” *mumbles* “Thooorns… thrrrones?” *very quietly* “Game of Thrones…”

Me: “…”

Caller: “Yeah. You got that?”

Me: “Yes. We have several copies of Game of Thrones. Seasons one and two.”

(The caller hangs up.)

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