Honey, I Shrunk The Brain

| WA, USA | Hall of Fame, Uncategorized

(We pack and sell raw local honey in plastic jars.)

Customer: “I don’t like these plastic jars. They are messy. You should use glass jars.”

Me: “Glass is much heavier, and it breaks so easily. But I’ve never noticed it being messier to deal with. How does it trouble you?”

Customer: “Plastic leaks.”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Customer: “I take a bit of honey each night before bed. And every morning there is a ring of honey on the nightstand where it has leaked out of the jar.”

Me: “I know if the jar is poured, you must wipe it off or the drip will run down the outside and make a sticky mess. But the same is true of any honey jar.”

Customer: “No, it leaks out the bottom. And only plastic jars.”

Me: “But all these boxes here are full of plastic jars, and the box bottoms are clean and dry.”

Customer: “Well, of course it doesn’t do it here. It’s only on nightstands!”

Kids Pop The Best Questions

| Redding, CA, USA | Hall of Fame, Uncategorized

(I’m currently 8 months pregnant with a little boy, and in my anticipation of my impending motherhood I love chatting to the little ones that come through my line.)

Me: “How old are you?”

Boy: “I’m four, but I am three feet tall which is really tall for my age. I am just going to get bigger and bigger and bigger, just like you are going to get fatter and fatter and fatter.”

(I laugh hysterically.)

Mother: “Honey, she isn’t fat. There’s a baby in there.”

Boy: *wide eyes* “How do they get a baby in there? Why is she working?”

Mother: “I don’t know why she is working.”

Me: “I’m going to have a little boy just like you who is going to get bigger and bigger and bigger.”

Boy: *panicked and near tears* “But you’ll pop!”

Faux Papa

| PA, USA | Hall of Fame, Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [store name], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hello! I was just wondering if I could return something to your store.”

Me: “Sure! That is no problem. Do you still have the receipt?”

Caller: “Yes I do.”

Me: “Than that should be no problem. Feel free to bring it in.”

Caller: “Oh, thank you so much. You see, I bought it for my son’s new baby, but it turns out that it’s not his…”

Adding Flames To The Fire

| Kansas City, MO, USA | Uncategorized

(I work in a retail store that sells adult novelties like edible body paint and lingerie. A teenage customer has just bought a lighter with a pot leaf on it around an hour ago.)

Customer: “I want to return this. My mom said I’m not allowed to spend my money on stuff this vulgar.”

Me: “Well, we can either give you a different lighter or a gift card, but our return policy states we don’t give cash back.”

Customer: “Give me a minute.”

(The customer grabs a lighter to exchange it with. It’s in the shape of a hand with its middle finger extended and says ‘f*** you!’ whenever you press the button.)

Deaf Defying Customers

| WA, USA | Hall of Fame, Uncategorized

(Please note, I am hearing impaired.)

Customer: “Hello. Do you have any [brand] perfume?”

Me: “No we don’t.”

Customer: “But… but… I want it!”

Me: “You could try one of the outlet stores. Currently this store does not carry it.”

Customer: “Why don’t you call the store in Bellingham?”

Me: “I could check online for you to see if we have it in stock in Bellingham, but the stores do not carry it.”

Customer: *shouting* “Call the f***ing store!”

Me: “I’m hearing impaired. I cannot talk on the phone.”

Customer: “Just f***ing call them!”

(I proceed to call the store, but because I cannot hear I am constantly asking the person on the other end to repeat what they are saying.)

Customer: “What are you, deaf?!”

Me: “Yes, actually.”


Customer: “Oh.”

Page 373/546First...371372373374375...Last