Clap-top Repair

, | MD, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “I can’t get the microphone on my laptop to work. Do you think you could help?”

Me: “What were you trying to do with it?”

Customer: “I can’t get it to hear what I’m saying.”

Me: “That’s pretty common. The settings are probably a little off. Let me take a look.”

(I boot the computer. After switching a few settings, I get the microphone to work.)

Me: “There, you should be all set. The settings were just wrong. You should be fine now.”

(I clap into the microphone so she can see the sound bars going up and down. She thinks I am clapping in celebration of her now fixed computer. She begins to clap rapidly along with me.)

Customer: *clapping* “Yay! This is the best day ever!”

Stalking Is A Matter Of Wife And Death

| Watchung, NJ, USA | Top

(I am working the register. An old woman walks up to me looking very flustered.)

Customer: “Sir, would you please call security. There’s a man following me.”

(I hear the voice of a child that is so small that I can’t see him over the counter.)

Child: “Grandma, that’s Grandpa!”

Hopefully, Acts Of God Are Covered

| Puyallup, WA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Would you like to get a protection plan? Just in case anything happens to your GPS.”

Customer: “No, I’ll just pray over it. The blood of Jesus is the best protection there is.”

We Are A Precipitation Mall Nation

| Fort Wayne, IN, USA | Uncategorized

(We are in the middle of a snow and ice storm that has shut down the city.)

Customer: “I cannot believe you guys are still open. The roads are really bad out there.”

Me: “Yes, I know. The roads are dangerous, but people must really enjoy shopping to take the time to visit the mall today.”

Customer: “I cannot believe that people are risking their lives to come out to the mall. You guys must be losing money staying open when no one is here.”

Me: “True, but as long as they keep coming we will stay open. What is it that I can help you with today?”

Customer: “Oh, I just need to do a return.”

About To Get Charged With Battery, Part 2

| Fort Myers, FL, USA | Uncategorized

(I work in an electronics store that sells power adapters as replacements for broken ones. The customer has a complaint, because the replacement plug doesn’t go in all the way. It sticks out about 2 millimeters.)

Customer: “What’ll I do if my grandson sticks his finger on it?”

Me: “Well, sir, first of all, I would hope you’d keep something like this out of his reach. Second, the space is far too small for his finger to touch it. Third, the plug only has 3 volts of electricity coming out. It won’t hurt you.”

Customer: “Prove it!”

(I proceed to plug in the adapter, and hold the tip of it between my fingers.)

Me: “See? No shock.”

Customer: “I still don’t believe you!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Here.”

(I hand the customer a 9-volt battery.)

Me: “Take this, and put your finger on top of those two bumps.”

Customer: “Fine! What’s the point of this?”

Me: “Well, right now, you’re touching a 9-volt battery on both poles. You have more voltage flowing through you, coming out of that battery, than I do touching this plug.”

(The customer thinks for a minute, as though trying to comprehend what I just said. His fingers are still in place on the battery. Suddenly, he shouts out in pain and throws the battery across the
room.)

Customer: *shouting* “How dare you! You just tried to kill me! I’m going to sue!”

(My manager, who has been watching from the back room via security camera the entire time, comes out.)

Manager: “Sir, if you really think you have a case, go ahead. You’ll be up against witnesses, security cameras with full audio, and basic elementary school science. There is no way a 9-volt battery can hurt you.”

(The customer leaves, looking forlorn and downtrodden.)

Related:
About To Get Charged With Battery

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