Blood Type Z-Negative

| Orange County, CA, USA | Right | August 8, 2014

(We carry liquid candy blood packs at our novelty shop. One looks like a regular blood IV bag and the other is green and is called ‘zombie blood.’ A customer comes up to the counter with a worried look and points to the zombie blood.)

Customer: “Is this REAL?”

Trying To Get Caught With Your Pants Down

| ON, Canada | Right | August 7, 2014

(A customer in his 60s approaches me.)

Customer: “Can I ask a strange question?”

Me: “Go ahead. I’d be happy to help.”

(He begins to adjust his pants.)

Customer: “Can you check the tag for my size?”

Me: “Let me stop you there, sir. The washroom is a short distance away and you can check the size yourself. When you get back I can help you find a pair of pants that fit you.”

Customer: “Coward! What is your name?!”

(I turned and walked away. I found out later that he complained to my manager that one of the employees refused to look down his pants.)

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No Signal Getting To His Brain

, | WI, USA | Right | August 7, 2014

Me: “Hello. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “My ‘wifis’ are all locked.”

Me: “Okay… let me see what you mean here.”

(The customer pulls out their [Smartphone] and shows that there are lock symbols on all of the wifi networks openly broadcasting in the area.)

Me: “Yes, these lock symbols mean that you have to login to the wifi network with a password.”

Customer: “Password? What password? Wifis need a password? I’ve never used a password.”

Me: “Does your home wifi not have a password?”

Customer: “Which one is my home wifi?”

Me: “Well, none of these. We have a wifi access point here in the store…”

(I demonstrate to the customer how to log onto a wifi using the store’s own broadcasting wireless network.)

Me: “But your home wifi will only be at your house. Not here. Do you know what your home wifi network is called?”

Customer: “Why can’t I use any of these other ones?”

Me: “These are just local wifi spots that are locked, with passwords, by their owners to keep people from freely using them.”

Customer: “But wifi is supposed to be free, and I was told that I would have access to wifi with my new device.”

Me: “Well, wifi isn’t always free. In places like Starbucks or McDonalds you’ll have free wifi that they pay for, but typical home networks, and even your 4G or 3G networks aren’t technically free. So, what you’ll have to do is go to your house, figure out what your home wifi is called, login to it by finding it on this list in your phone, and enter in the password if you have one.”

Customer: “So… what’s my wifi password, then? I don’t think I have one.”

Me: “I couldn’t tell you. That would be something you or you Internet provider would know.”

Customer: “My provider is you guys.”

Me: “Your home Internet provider.”

Customer: “See, I don’t understand. Wifis are free, so why? When I use my wife’s laptop, I just go to the Internet. There’s no passwords for the Internet. Where would I need to use a password for FREE wifi?”

Me: “Well, unless you’re stealing someone else’s unsecured wifi, you would have to have a network that you yourself are broadcasting, paying for, and connecting to that would either have or not have a wifi password involved. But again, I’m sorry, I wouldn’t be able to tell you that information. Your home cable or Internet provider would be responsible.”

Customer: “So do I have wifi or not?”

Me: “No. No, you don’t. Not if you don’t know what it is.”

Customer: “Why isn’t there some technical thing? You know I’m not good with this computer stuff, but I wish there was some technical thing that would just tell you what the password is. Everyone gets free wifi, but I’m the one with all the problems. I think it’s the phone.”

Me: “No, it’s not. Could you check on your home wifi for me and let me know what provider you have? I think I could get a pretty good idea of the problem with that information at least.”

Customer: “Okay. Yeah, I can do that. I’ll check with the wife. She’s better at this stuff.”

(I can now officially retire from customer service.)

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Mocking Beliefs Will Cost You

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Right | August 6, 2014

Customer: “Hey, how much is this?”

(I don’t know the price either, but there is a haphazardly placed sign in front of the item that vaguely matches its description.)

Me: *looking at sign* “I believe it’s $49.99.”

Customer: “You BELIEVE? Can you go check the actual price?”

Me: “Why certainly, sir.”

(I grab the item and bring it to a cash register to scan it. It comes up as $89.99.)

Me: “Okay, sir, I checked the price for you. It’s actually $89.99.”

Customer: “What?! But that sign says $49.99!”

Me: “But sir, you very obviously had doubts about this sign, because you asked me for the price.”

Customer: “But you even said it was $49.99!”

Me: “No sir, I said that I BELIEVED it to be $49.99. You didn’t like that answer, so I went to check the price like you’ve asked me to. All I’ve done was follow your directions.”

Customer: “D*** it! Me and my big mouth!”

(He still bought it, though. After all, isn’t the customer ‘always right’?)

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Hot On The Cent

| Rio Grande, NJ, USA | Right | August 6, 2014

(We sell candy 10 for 1$, which equals 10 cents each. A lady walks up with her husband and child. I start ringing them up and the customer tosses a bag of candy onto my register.)

Customer: “I do not know how many is in there.”

Me: “Okay, I will finish ringing your items and count these last.”

Customer: “Good.”

(I am just about done when I dump out the bag of candy and start counting.)

Me: “Okay, you have 34 pieces of candy which will be 3 dollars and 40 cents for the candy.”

Customer: “Wait, it said 10 for a dollar. Should I go get more?”

Me: “That is entirely up to you as they are still 10 cents for a piece of candy.”

Customer: “But it says 10 for a dollar. I WANT THAT PRICE!”

Me: “Ma’am, you are getting that price. It’s 10 cents for a piece of candy.”

Customer: “BUT I WANT 10 FOR A DOLLAR!”

Me: “Ma’am, what is 100 divided my 10?”

Customer: “10, you stupid girl.”

Me: “Okay. Well a dollar is 100 pennies and its ten pieces of candy for one dollar. Each piece of candy will be 10 cents. Therefore, you are getting the sale price.”

(She then started screaming at me for making her seem like an idiot in front of her family. She then threw her credit card at me and stormed out of the store. Her husband stayed behind to apologize and say thank you for putting up with her.)

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