Even Vampires Don’t Want That ‘Blood’

| Hayward, CA, USA | Uncategorized

(This at the DVD release of the Twilight Movie, two men approach the desk. They are Caucasian.)

Customer #1: “Hey lend me some money, I wanna buy this movie!”

Customer #2: “Naw, get your own cash!”

Customer #1: “C’mon, this movie got leprechauns!”

Customer #2: “Dang, I ain’t gonna give you no cash!”

Customer #1: “Man you spoozy!”

(Customer #1 walks off, returns with Twilight.)

Customer #1: “C’mon! It’s on sale! Jus’ lend me 20!”

Customer #2: “Alright fine, take it.”

Customer #1: *looking at me* “Eh man, know what this movie’s about?”

Me: “Well–”

Customer #2: *pointing at the characters on the cover* “This one’s a vampire, and this b**** don’t know ’bout it!”

A Positive Ending

| Culver City, CA, USA | Top

(A guest comes through my line with a four pack of AA batteries and an energy drink called Assault. He is trying not to giggle during the transaction.)

Me: “Here is your receipt, have a great day!”

Customer: “Guess what?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “You just charged me for Assault and battery!” *grabs his bag and sprints out of the store*

Honesty Among Thieves

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | Uncategorized

(A couple walks in and sets off the alarm. It is store policy to ask if they have just bought anything and suggest they go back to have it desensitized.)

Me: “Hi. Did you happen to just buy something that might have set off the alarm?”

Customer: “No, we just stole a boatload of stuff next door and are coming in here now.”

Alarm Bells Will Be Ringing

| Long Island, NY, USA | Uncategorized

(I work in a department next to the exit. A mother, father, and daughter set off the alarm.)

Me: “Excuse me, I need to check your bag for something.”

Husband: “God, really? Fine.”

(I pull out a kid’s DVD.)

Daughter: “What’s that?”

Wife: “Great, just great! Here honey, this was supposed to be one of your Christmas presents! This woman here RUINED CHRISTMAS! I hope you’re happy that you ruined Christmas for this entire family!”

Oh You Sleigh Me

| PA, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m shopping for Christmas ornaments when a woman and her husband walk into the store.)

Wife: “Look at this, this is a sin! They hardly have anything.”

Husband: “The Christmas section gets smaller and smaller each year. I barely saw any decorations in the store, either.”

Wife: *picking up an angel table topper* “This is just disrespectful. They should have another three or four kinds of trees!”

Husband: “I agree dear, this selection is disappointing. How are we supposed to properly celebrate with this?”

(They continue on like this for another 5-10 minutes. Finally, the woman storms up to me.)

Wife: “You! As a God fearing Christian, do you think this tiny little section is disrespectful to our Lord and Savior? How dare they not be respectful of our religious beliefs! We should go complain!”

Me: “Yeah, I know what you mean. I’m Pagan and I can never find any good Beltane decorations here.”

(She literally run from the seasonal section. I hear a security alarm a minute or two later. I think she forgot to pay for the angel that she never put down.)

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