What Would Jesus Discount?, Part 4

, | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Working | October 1, 2014

(I have several friends’ birthdays coming up, so I decide to buy what ends up being a large number of bath products from a small store in a mall near my home. The store is right next to a place of worship.)

Cashier: “Your total comes to [price].”

Me: “Great.”

(I hand her some cash, but she doesn’t move to take it, leaving me hanging with my arm stretched out, clutching several paper notes.)

Cashier: “Before you pay, are you a member of the Church of Truth?”

Me: “No, I’m not. Can I pay, please?”

Cashier: “Oh, how unfortunate. Church members get an 8% discount. If we applied that to your purchase, you would only have to pay [slightly lower price]!”

Me: “I’m not a member, and I’d just like to pay. Please take my money.”

Cashier: “It’s not too late to join, you know. You just have to accept the truth of god the savior into your heart! And then you can get an 8% discount on all your purchases!”

Me: “I am not about to join a church to get a discount. And I’m not interested in them anyway. Please stop refusing to let me pay and just accept my money.”

(The cashier starts a very obviously memorized spiel about the church. The entire time, my hand is a foot in front of her, awkwardly holding the money for my purchase. Eventually I interrupt.)

Me: “Are they paying you to advertise for them or something?”

Cashier: *startled, and suddenly looking very guilty* “N-no, why would you think so?”

Me: “Look. I have to walk right past that place to get here. So does everyone. There’s no other way to your shop. If I’m interested in them, I’ll go and have a look in my own time. Right now, though, I’ve explicitly said that I’m not interested. Maybe I’ll decide to have a look at their stuff at some point in the future, but it’s unlikely, ESPECIALLY given the fact that you’re trying to pressure me into it and are leaving a very bad taste in my mouth associated with them and your business – the opposite of what an advertisement should be achieving, actually. What you are doing is refusing to serve a customer based on their religious beliefs, which are none of your business, frankly, and is blatant discrimination, not to mention unprofessional and amoral. So we have two options here. Either you allow me to pay for these products, or I take my business elsewhere. But I don’t want to hear another word of your advertisement.”

Cashier: “But… They help you find the truth within yourself—”

Me: “Goodbye.”

(I left my items on the counter and walked out. Bewildered and angry, I related the story to some friends, only to discover that one had been to the same store and had the same experience! Due to the mall being across the road from my home, I was able to witness the number of customers at the bath stop drop steadily until they closed six months later, followed by a series of scathing newspaper articles relating to the whole mess. It turned out that it’s not wise to only accept business from people belonging to a group which isn’t big enough to keep your business afloat, even if they pay you advertisement money to do it!)

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His Secret Is Bigger Than Victoria’s

| NY, USA | Romantic | September 30, 2014

(My fiancé and I mutually decided to wait until after our wedding to be intimate. My fiancé had no experience in that department of any kind, so as a treat we went shopping together the week before our wedding so he could pick out a pair of lingerie for me.)

Me: *pointing to a pretty silky bra* “Ooh, look at that one! It’s so soft. I’d be petting myself the whole time I was wearing it.”

Fiancé: “Very pretty! I’d be petting myself, too!”

Me: *valiantly trying not to laugh, knowing he meant to say something else*

Fiancé: “What?”

Me: *repeats what he said*

(It took him a couple minutes to stop laughing at himself and tell me he meant to say ‘I’d be petting you, too.’)

It’s Curtains For Closing Time

| Seattle, WA, USA | Right | September 30, 2014

(I work in a small, locally owned business in an old building. Connected to our store is another small shop. Our owners have agreed to leave the passage between our stores open to promote business. We understandably get customers wanting to purchase the other store’s goods at our register, and other similar confusions. Most days, our hours are the same. One day a week my store closes an hour before our sister store. We have large, heavy curtains that can be drawn across the entrance between our stores. I am in the middle of closing procedure, have drawn the curtains, turned out most of the lights, and locked the front door. Our space has two adjoining rooms, so I can hear what’s happening in the other room, but can’t see. I hear loud thumping noises and footsteps. It is a woman and her seven- or eight-year-old son.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we are closed. Today we close an hour earlier than [Adjoining Store], but feel free to browse further there.”

Woman: “Oh? You’re closed?”

Me: “Yes. As you may have noticed, all the lights are off in this store, and our hours are clearly posted on the other side of the curtains separating us from [Other Store.]”

Woman: “Well, it’s all so unclear. It looks like you’re open.”

(Meanwhile, her son is bounding around, disarranging the displays and generally being disrespectful of the space.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but we are closed. Our register is no longer open. Feel free to look at [Other Store]’s stock. They are open for another hour.”

Woman: *grumbles in direction of son* “Well, I guess this b**** won’t let you have a toy.”

Requires A Walking Carpet

| WV, USA | Working | September 30, 2014

(I’m working in the stockroom when a delivery truck arrives. Management needs to be notified, and since I don’t have a walkie-talkie, I call out to my coworkers. The doughnut vendor overhears.)

Me: “Hey, does anybody have a walkie? The truck’s here.”

Doughnut Vendor: “Why do you need a Wookie?”

(Makes Wookie noises at me.)

Me: “A Jawa or an Ewok would work, too.”

Giving You An Earful Over The Ears

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Right | September 29, 2014

(For those that don’t know, LARP is Live Action Roleplay. We sell a lot of realistic looking weapons that are safe to hit people with, but are actually foam. Some are historically based, others are pure fantasy. We are at a convention.  I’m helping another customer when a guy on the other end of the table starts getting agitated by something.)

Customer: “No, these aren’t right at all.”

Me: “Sorry, I’ll be with you in a minute.”

Customer: “They’re just not accurate.”

(Finishing with the other customer, I move over.)

Me: “Well, it’s LARP, not re-enactment, so some of our weapons won’t be historically accurate. In fact, many are outright fantasy weapons that would have been amazingly impractical for real use.”

Customer: “Not the weapons, idiot! These!”

(The customer holds up a pair of prosthetic elf ears.)

Customer: “Moon Elves’ ears DON’T look like THIS.”

Me: “Uh… I’m pretty sure with elves being fantasy they can look like whatever the designer wanted them to, so long as they’re kinda pointy at the end.”


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