Mass Effecting Your Promotion Prospects

| Elk River, MN, USA | Working | March 21, 2014

(I work behind the counter at a game store, and nothing is happening. I’ve already cleaned the floor and straightened the shelves, so I start singing to myself to pass the time. The song is a version of the ‘Modern Major-General’ song.)

Me: “I am the very model of a scientist salarian, I study species turian, asari, and batarian. I’m quite good at genetics, as a subset of biology, because I am an expert, which I know is a tautology!”

(My boss pops out behind me, startling the crap out of me.)

Boss: “MY XENOSCIENCE STUDIES RANGE FROM URBAN TO AGRARIAN! I AM THE VE-RY MODEL OF A SCIENTIST SALARIAN!”

(Best. Boss. Ever!)

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The Nineties Called…

| RI, USA | Right | March 21, 2014

(I work next to the electronics department. I am in the area when two customers walk up to an electronics associate.)

Customer: “Do you sell any VHS?”

Associate: “No, ma’am. We sell dvd players, though.”

Customer: “What’s DVD?”

(Associate proceeds to explain DVDs, still remaining very professional.)

Customer: “But you don’t have any VHS?! I find that hard to believe! Couldn’t you check the back room in case you have one lying around?”

Associate: “Ma’am, we haven’t sold VHS in years.”

Customer: “So you can’t check?”

Associate: “We don’t carry any VHS products anymore.”

Customer: “UNBELIEVABLE! How do you not carry VHS?! You’re gonna lose customers like that.”

(There is awkward silence. I’m a few feet away trying really hard not to laugh. But it’s not over yet.)

Customer: “What about [Brand Name]s? Do you have portable cassette [Brand Name]s?”

Associate: “We don’t have any cassette products anymore either.”

(The customer is genuinely bewildered at this point. She eventually decides to purchase a dvd player.)

Associate: “… And how will you be paying today?”

(The customer hands over a credit card.)

Associate: “Ma’am, this card is expired. In fact the card expired in the early 2000s.”

Customer: “WHAT?! No wonder you guys are going out of business. Can’t even take my payment!”

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Closed To Reality

| Paris, France | Right | March 20, 2014

(We are closed for inventory, and signs are informing the customers of that fact. Despite this, many people have tried to enter the store. Most of them just leave when they realise the door is locked.)

Manager: *to me* “Okay, we’re going to take the shipment for this week. I need you to stand in the doors and tell customers we’re closed.”

(I oblige. As the truck is unloading and some other of the employees are putting the food away in the freezer, a customer approaches. Note that I am wearing the store’s uniform, with a bright apron.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am! I’m sorry but—”

(Without listening, she tries to get around me. I move in front of her to prevent her from getting in, and keep trying to explain the situation to her. Frustrated, she pushes me to the side and I hit the wall. She then rushes inside. The manager sees her and runs after her, trying to stop her.)

Manager: “Ma’am! Ma’am, we’re closed.”

Customer: *looking around* “Closed? There are employees everywhere and the doors are open!”

Manager: “We’re doing the inventory of the store, which is why the employees are here. However we’re not allowed to sell food as it would mess up our numbers.”

Customer: “Well, you should keep the doors shut, then!”

Manager: “You didn’t let me finish. We’re still taking our usual shipment of food as we’re opening this afternoon. However to prevent customers from getting in, and despite the fact that we already have signs posted everywhere, I asked my employee to stand at the door and warn the customers. Instead, you refused to listen to her and pushed her out of your way.”

Customer: “Well… I didn’t realise you were closed! You really shouldn’t keep the doors open when you’re closed!” *storms off*

Manager: *shaking his head* “How does she expect us to get the food in? Through the window?”

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They’re Magically Cannibalicious!

| Northern Ireland, UK | Right | March 20, 2014

(I work in a small store in Northern Ireland where we sell some American imports but for quite a bit more expensive prices.)

Me: “That’ll be £6.95, ma’am.”

Customer: “How dare you try to scam your customers?!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Selling Lucky Charms for seven dollars? That is preposterous. At home they are only two dollars in Target.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, we do have to import them… This IS Northern Ireland.”

Customer: “This is part of Ireland?”

Me: “I guess you could say that.”

Customer: “I’m so sorry! I didn’t think about how I might be offending you! Don’t worry this cereal isn’t really leprechauns. We wouldn’t eat your relatives!” *pays and leaves without cereal*

(My manager got a call later that night saying that the cereal was for me and that she was very sorry for ‘acting like some sort of cannibal.’)

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Always The Same Old Yarn

| USA | Working | March 20, 2014

(I am placed on a medication that made me gain a lot of weight very quickly, especially around the midsection. Thusly, people who had seen me before weren’t entirely used to seeing me with extra weight. I am looking for some yarn to knit a baby sweater for a friend, and I have the pattern out so I see the exact requirements for the yarn.)

Owner: “Oh look. You’re back! And I can see why you haven’t been by in so long! When are you due?”

(This is when she places her hand on my stomach.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m not pregnant.”

Owner: “Sure you are! Look at that belly!”

Me: *with a great deal of sarcasm since people are now beginning to stare* “Yes, thank you for bringing my attention to my weight gain. I’m not entirely sure how I would have gotten pregnant in the first place, seeing as I’ve never had sex, but sure, we’ll go with that instead of ‘my sister is having her first baby and I’m making things for my niece or nephew.'”

Owner: “Oh, stop telling lies. There’s nothing wrong if you’re not sure who the father is…”

(That was when I left and never went back. Her yarn selection sucked, anyway.)

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