Redefine Online

| KY, USA | Uncategorized

(I work in the warehouse for a large, online-only retailer. I am standing outside talking to friends at the bus stop. A man drives past, slowing down to talk to me.)

Driver: “Hey, what’s this place here?”

Me: “It’s a warehouse for [online retailer]. This is where we ship out orders and whatnot.”

Driver: “So, I can go in there and pack up my own stuff to take home?”

Me: “No, you order things online. We process it, pack it, and then send it to you.”

Driver: “Wait. This isn’t a store?”

Me: “No, sir. We’re online only.”

Driver: “Well, then why do you have facilities? Doesn’t all that internet stuff come from the internet?”

The Formula For Laziness

| HI, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi. I was wondering if you had [brand] formula?”

Me: “If you hold on, I will go check.”

(I go and check. I come back on the line a few minutes later.)

Me: “Thank you for holding, ma’am. We have the formula. Would you like me to hold some for you?”

Caller: “No, I’m in the parking lot. I just wanted to make sure you had it today before I came in.”

Don’t Be A Data Hater

| Gera, Germany | Uncategorized

Customer: “May I ask you something?”

Me: “Of course. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’ve got some dirty DVDs. How could I clean them?”

Me: “You should use a very soft towel with warm water. Don’t use too much. After cleaning, you polish the disks. That should work.”

Customer: “Are you serious? I could smear everything!”

Me: “No, the dirt will go away.”

Customer: “Not the dirt. The data!”

Reason For Refund Holds Water

| Sydney, Australia | Uncategorized

Customer: “I’d like to return this hat. It didn’t meet my expectations.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t return this for you. The hat is wet.”

Customer: “I wouldn’t call it wet. That’s a bit presumptuous of you, isn’t it?”

Me: “I don’t think it is. It’s wet.”

Customer: “And where does it say in your returns policy that all items must be dry?”


27 Stresses

| Omaha, NE, USA | Hall of Fame, Top

(It is prom season. We have a lot of girls coming in to try on dresses. Three girls have been trying on heaps of dresses. They finally select the ones they want.)

Me: “I see you’ve made your final selection! If you just bring them to the register, I’ll be happy to ring you up.”

(Their mother walks over.)

Mother: “Oh, what lovely dresses!”

Girl: “Yeah. We had to go through a lot of dresses before we found anything decent.”

(The mother gets a weird look on her face.)

Mother, to me: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Mother: “Are those the dressing rooms?”

Me: “Yes.”

Mother: “Do you mind if I run in there for a minute?”

Me: “Go ahead!”

(The mother walks in, and sees all the dresses on the floor of the dressing rooms. She comes out fuming.)

Mother: “You girls march right in there, pick up every dress, and hang them back up! Right now!”

Girl: “Why? It’s her job!”

Mother: “I did not raise a bunch of pigs! Get in there now, or you won’t be going to prom!”

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