Forget You!

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | Working | March 3, 2014

(I get scolded by my manager for forgetting a procedure that I read about a couple of weeks before but hadn’t actually used yet.)

Manager: “Are you stupid?! You signed that you read it and now you are saying you’ve forgotten it? There’s no excuse. You should have remembered it.”

(The next day I am shopping in our store half an hour before my shift starts.)

Manager: “[My Name], what are you doing?”

Me: “I’m shopping.”

Manager: “How dare you shop on company time?! Get to your section now! I’ll be dealing with you later.”

Me: “I don’t start for half an hour. You should know that.”

Manager: “How am I supposed to remember that?”

Me: “You wrote the roster. You are supposed to remember what time I start.”

Manager: “Are you getting back at me for what I said to you yesterday?”

Me: “Yep.”

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Pregnancy Test Versus God’s Test

| NJ, USA | Right | February 28, 2014

(Two male customers approach my line not knowing each other. The first appears to be a teenager and the second seems to be in his late 20s. The younger of the two approaches first with only a pregnancy test, which we offer in our ‘family planning’ section.)

Older Customer: *to me* “Pregnancy test? This is what’s wrong with teens today, right? All of them think they’re adults and decide to f*** each other.” *to the younger customer* “God hates you! You should be ashamed of yourself!”

(The older customer continues going on about the younger customer, and I’m about to say something when the younger customer turns around.)

Younger Customer: “Sir, I would like to get one thing straight with you. This pregnancy test isn’t for me. It’s for my sister who refused to get out of the car because she was terrified that she’d be judged for buying one. I went straight to get this test, grabbed it off the shelf, and walked around the store a few times to prove a point. Not one person has said a thing about me until now.”

(The older customer appears like he’s going to respond when the younger customer continues. At this point people have begun to stare.)

Younger Customer: “Furthermore, I have to admit that I find it funny that you, of all people, are the one to react, claiming that God hates me. You decided to preach about the evils of lust when a quick look at your cart would suggest you are a worse slave to it.”

(The younger customer proceeded to take two particular items out of the older customer’s cart: a naughty magazine and an ultra-large bottle of lotion! The younger customer said this entire thing without once breaking eye contact with the older customer, or breaking stride. Embarrassed, the older customer pulled out of the lane, which by now had formed a line of at least seven people, and went to a register several lanes away.)

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Problematic Customers

| Marble Falls, TX, USA | Right | February 27, 2014

(A customer is standing in front of the freezer case I want something out of. I inch around her and smile at her.)

Me: “Excuse me.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m so sorry!”

Me: “It’s no problem!”

Customer: *sobering suddenly* “I could MAKE it a problem if you want.”

Me: “… Please don’t kill me?”

Conversational Balls-Up

| Grangemouth, Scotland, UK | Working | February 27, 2014

(The store is quiet for an afternoon. We are looking over the department lottery, where I notice something strange on the sheet.)

Me: “[Coworker], why is your name down twice?”

Coworker: “Well, my husband wants to take part as well, but I’m bringing the money in for it anyway, so it’s easier if I just put mine down.”

Me: “I guess that makes sense…”

Coworker: *a little excitedly* “Yep, so I’ve got two balls!”

(Almost immediately, she realised what she said loud enough that a few customers and coworkers turned round. She hid in the corner and refused to come out for a few minutes while I was bent over in laughter!)

The Baker They Need, Not The Baker They Deserve

| PA, USA | Working | February 27, 2014

(I work as a baker. Times and management have changed, and the store has lost almost all of its useful employees. My friend who is the shift leader finds himself understaffed one day and I give him permission to call me out to help on the line if they ever get swamped.)

Friend: “Yo, [My Name]. I need you for a bit. The line is to the door and [Coworker] is only getting one for every five customers I help.”

Me: “All right. Get on a register and let’s do this.”

(I move at top speed, pretty much dancing and spinning around the work area as I help three or more customers at a time. My friend gets on register to help ring them out faster and to give me more clear space to work. He is describing the events back to me later.)

Friend: “Dude! It was epic! You were freaking spinning back and forth grabbing different items. You decimated the rush single handedly! It was like one of those samurai animes: some big eight-headed dragon of a ‘customer monster’ attacks, and the hero dashes past… then a breeze wafts by and all the heads pop off. You’re like the wind!”

Me: “I did feel like I was in the zone there for a bit. It felt like I was dancing.”

Friend: “Oh, you weren’t subtle about it either. One customer was staring at you funny and asked me, ‘What exactly is he doing?’ I just stared her in the eye and told her, deadpan, ‘Exactly what I need him to!'”

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