What She Said Makes You Stop Dead

| UK | Holidays, Rude & Risque

(I am helping pack an old lady customer’s gift-wrapping paper into the long bags designed for them.)

Me: “So, that’s six rolls of wrapping paper for £2. The plastic bags are a bit thin, so I may have to put it in two bags of three.”

Customer: “No, no, no, that won’t do. Just squeeze it into one; it will be fine.”

(The wrapping paper rolls are small, so four or five will just fit in one plastic bag. The handles, however, fit so tightly over the paper they cannot be held properly.)

Me: “Okay, I’ve got five in there but they are rather tight; another one in there may tear it.”

Customer: *creepy voice* “That’s what she said…”

(The whole shop is overcome by a stunned silence. My two colleagues next to me have stopped working, now with their jaws on the floor.)

Customer: “Speaking of which; shove it in there!”

(I managed to get the last roll in there, with it bent out of shape. She leaves with a laugh almost like a witch’s cackle, with the whole shop in silence.)

Me: *sigh* “Next customer, please…”

Donations Of Future Past

| Gatineau, QC, Canada | Crazy Requests

(I work as a cashier in a charity store. All of our merchandise is donated, so we have no idea what items we will have for sale until they are in the store.)

Customer: “Do you have a blender?”

Me: “No, unfortunately we do not have any right now.”

Customer: “Okay, do you know when you will have some?”

Me: “You know all of our merchandise is donated right?”

Customer: “Yes, so when will have a have some blenders?”

Me: “Well, I suppose that would be when someone within the community realizes they have a blender they don’t need, and brings it to us.”

Customer: “Okay, so when will that be?”

Pushing Sales Has Pushed His Luck

| Reston, VA, USA | Religion, Technology

(I work in the computing department. We’re pushed to always get protection plans. I have sold a customer a laptop.)

Me: “Well, just so you know, we do offer [protection plan]. If anything bad happens to the laptop—”

Customer: “What? What do you mean by something bad?

Me: “Unfortunately, bad things can happen to computers. There are hundreds of computers in the back that have been destroyed in many different ways. If you get a protection plan, you can get the computer replaced if something bad happens to it on accident.”

Customer: “What are you talking about? Why are you wishing bad luck on me?”

Me: “Sir, I wasn’t wishing bad luck on you. I was just offering you an avenue to make sure your investment is protected.”

Customer: “You shouldn’t be threatening me with bad luck! You should wish me good luck. This is bad; this is very bad right here.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m not trying to wish you bad luck; I’m just recommending something that many of our customers—”

Customer: “No, no! This is very bad. You’re wishing bad things to happen to me. I tell you what; I am going to go home, and pray to God that he does bad things to you!”