Positively Negative

| Denver, CO, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, did you find everything you needed today, sir?”

Customer: “Everything.”

(He shoves a pile of baby clothes at me with a big smile.)

Customer: “My wife is pregnant with a baby.”

Me: “Congratulations, sir!”

Customer: “She tested positive yesterday. I’m buying clothes for the baby.”

Me: “Well, that’s very nice, sir. Will this be cash or charge?”

Customer: “I have the test with me.”

Me: “That’s all right, sir. I believe you.”

Customer: “It’s right here.”

(The customer shows me the test.)

Me: “That’s all r–”

(I check closer.)

Me: “Sir, this test is negative.”

Customer: *frowns at test and leaves*

Not The Breast Of Days

| Illinois, USA | Health & Body

(It’s 4 am, and a customer enters the store and approaches me. By the smell of his breath, he has clearly been drinking.)

Customer: “Do you know where I could find needle and thread?”

Me: “That would be in the crafts department. Would you like me to show you?”

Customer: “Yeah, thanks.”

(As we start to walk toward the craft department, which is in the back of the store, his phone rings. He picks up and has a short conversation to which I didn’t pay much attention. I only heard him say, “I guess I’ll have to sew it back on.”)

Customer: *hangs up* “It’s been a bad night.”

Me: “You too, huh?”

Customer: “Yeah. I got my nipple torn off.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I got drunk, got in a fight, and my nipple got torn halfway off.”

(He pulls his shirt to the side to show me his nipple barely hanging on.)

Customer: “My friends said to go to the hospital, but I don’t have insurance, so I’m just gonna have to sew it back on myself.”

Abusing The Language Barrier

| Houston, TX, USA | Top

(I am rolling some fabric for sale. A woman and her daughter approach the basket full of unidentified fabrics that I’m working on.)

Customer, to her daughter: “Pregúntale a la muchacha si hay más de esta.” (“Ask the girl if there is more of this.”)

Me: “¿De cual tela, señora?” (“Which fabric, ma’am?”)

Customer: “How dare you?”

Me: “I-I’m sorry?”

Customer: “You’re all the same. How dare you assume I don’t speak English!”

Me: “Ma’am, you asked your daughter to ask me a question in Spanish instead of asking me yourself. I assumed you were more comfortable with Spanish.”

Customer: “Well, I speak English just fine.”

Me: “I see that, yes. I was just trying to make things easier–”

Customer: “I just didn’t want to speak to YOU.”

Getting Shorted

| Miami, FL, USA | Top

(At our store, we sell individual tea bags for fifty cents each. Free hot tap water and a foam cup come with each bag sold. One customer, a man in his thirties, has been coming in and buying a single bag of tea every Sunday for two years, but he never takes the water or the cup.)

Customer: “I’d like a refund of $50 please.”

Me: “We don’t sell anything that expensive.”

Customer: “Well, I bought 100 of those herbal mixes and they haven’t done a d*** thing.”

Me: “You mean the tea you buy every week?”

Customer: “No, the herbal mixes in the little yellow packets.”

Me: “Yes, that’s tea.”

Customer: “You mean it won’t make my man parts larger?”

Me: “No, it’s a beverage.”

Customer: “Oh. Never mind, then.”

(He leaves, disappointed. I never saw him again.)

Virtually Clueless

| Columbia, MO, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Do you carry these tires in a whitewall?”

Me: “No, we don’t. You might have more luck if you check our website, sir. It’s [website].”

Customer: “So, where’s that at? Is it…here?”

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