Knows Knot Of Mass

| Houghton Lake, MI, USA | Math & Science, Uncategorized

(I work for a discount store that sells bulk birdseed that the customer scoops themselves. A customer approaches the counter with a bag that’s quite full but not tied.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am, how are you today?” (I start tying the bag shut so I can lift it on the counter to weigh without spilling.)

Customer: “No! Don’t!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Don’t tie a knot in it or it’ll weigh more!”

Me: “Ma’am. I’m sorry but, how’s that possible?”

Customer: “It’s a knot! They’re heavier!”

ADD: Acronym Defiling Dad

| Vermont, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Uncategorized

Customer:“Hey I was wondering if you sold some of that ‘Ahhhdorol’ or ‘Ridalaain’?”

Me: “No those are prescription drugs. All we sell here is Advil and caffeine pills.”

Customer: “D*** it! My son has ADHD. You know…Attention Defiant Hyper Disorder?”

A Brief Question

| Scotland, United Kingdom | Spouses & Partners, Uncategorized

(I am working in a lingerie department and a male customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Hi, I need help with something.”

Me: “Sure what are you looking for?”

Customer: “I need a bra for my wife.”

(We go through different types and styles.)

Me: “So what size is she?”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Is she an A,B,C? How big is her back size?”

Customer: “Well she’s smaller than you, not that you’re not pretty!”

Me: “Right, okay. Is she the same shape as any of the other girls here?”

(Finally we find a 32C bra and he wanders off happy. Ten minutes later he comes back up to me, slightly flustered.)

Customer: “I cant find 32C panties!”

Try Telling That To The Banks

| Garland, TX, USA | At The Checkout, Money, Uncategorized

(I am working the returns counter when a couple walks in with a set of weights.)

Me: “How can we help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, we need to return this. It’s the wrong color.”

Me: “Okay, do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “Yes. But we’re going to do an exchange for something cheaper. Is it alright if we get what’s left over on a gift card?”

Me: “Sure.”

(The couple go shopping and come back. We go through the transaction.)

Me: “Alright, so $60.00 will be credited back. Do you have the credit card you used?”

Customer: “But we wanted the extra on a gift card.”

Me: “Yes, but since theft is a common problem, it’s store policy to check your ID first.  I just need to verify that you have the original card.”

Customer: “But we want the extra on a gift card.  Do you understand? What’s left over, on a gift card!”

Me: “Yes, I understand, but I need to see the original card first.”

Customer: “But I don’t have it. I don’t own that card!”

Me: “Then I’m afraid we can’t do this transaction.”

Customer: “No, you don’t understand. I want what’s left over on a gift card, so that my wife can use it!”

Me: “Yes, but sir, it’s illegal for us to take somebody else’s money without their permission.”

Customer: “God D*****! Since when do you need permission to get somebody else’s money?”

Freudian (Pay) Slip

| Latham, NY, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Uncategorized

(I am ringing up a mother and her son.)

Me: “Alright, ma’am, your total is $**.**.”

Son: “Wow, that is so much money! You’re taking all my momma’s money!”

Me: “Actually, your mother is paying for the items that she just purchased, and I’m not the one who gets the money anyways.”

Son: “Do you think I’m dumb? You get all the money; why else would you be here?”

Me: “The money that is paid here is made by the company. I’m here because the company pays me to check out customers.”

Son: “That’s stupid. You should get to keep the money.”

(As I’m about to respond, the mother chimes in.)

Mother: “Just ignore him, he’s stupid.”