Couldn’t String It Together

| TX, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid

(A customer is returning a pyjama set that has a drawstring on the pants.)

Customer: “I need to return these pyjamas. They’re way too small! They must be the smallest size large ever made!”

Me: “Not a problem, ma’am; did you have a receipt?”

Customer: “Yes, somewhere in here.”

(The customer holds up the pyjama bottoms and stretches the waistband as far as it will go, which is not very far since the drawstring is still tied.)

Customer: “I mean, really! Does this look like a size large to you?”

Me: “Well, you can untie the string and it should stretch more.”

(I untie it. She stares, mouth agape, as she stretches the pants to twice their size.)

Customer: “Oh, wow! Well, I guess that’s all I needed!”

The Big Country Of Small Talk

| UK | At The Checkout, Geography, Money

(I work in a large retail clothing chain in the UK. The chain is actually an American brand, and popular in both countries. I am serving a customer at the till. I am always friendly to my customers, and always make small talk.)

Me: “Hello, sir, how was your day today?”

Customer: “Why do you want to know?”

Me: “I was just asking, sir; you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Customer: “Quit the small talk. I don’t care what they tell you to say when I am here.”

Me: “I am sorry, sir; that comes to [total]. Would you like to pay cash or card, sir?”

Customer: “What’s with this ‘sir’ bull-s*** your giving me?! You should just stick to your job, and quit the small talk. No one wants to talk to you anyway!”

(He throws his money on the counter, even though I am holding my hand out. I say nothing, and collect his change. He continues to rant at me.)

Customer: “This is what is wrong with the world! People are becoming robots, and just saying things and not meaning them! It’s all fake smiles and stupid small talk!”

Me: “I do not get paid any more or any less for talking to you, sir; I was just being polite. I am sorry if I offended you in any way. Have a nice day.”

(The customer glares at me. His eyes go wide, and he starts to go red.)

Customer: “HAVE A NICE DAY?! HAVE A NICE DAY?! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN! WE ARE IN ENGLAND! WE ARE NOT AMERICANISED! THIS IS ENGLAND! I SUPPORT OUR ECONOMY, AND I DEMAND TO BE TREATED LIKE AN ENGLISH PERSON!”

Me: “Quite right, sir, we are in England as you correctly pointed out. However, you do realise that you have just spent money in this store, which happens to be an American company?”

(He opens his mouth to retaliate, but he can’t when he realises what I have just said. The line of customers behind him all start laughing at him, as he walks away rather briskly!)

Checking Her Out At The Checkout Just Checked Out

| LA, USA | At The Checkout, Love/Romance, Top

(My boyfriend is visiting me at work. He’s currently at the back of the store, looking at our soft drinks. I am ringing up a customer’s items.)

Me: “Is this all you need, sir?”

Customer: “No, I need your digits so we can go out sometime.”

Me: “Not happening. Your total is $15.86, sir.”

(He pays but he doesn’t leave. My boyfriend walks up to the counter with his drink. The customer nudges him with an elbow, and starts talking to him.)

Customer: “What sort of guy do you think she goes for?”

Boyfriend: “Well, she wants a guy who is smart, charming, witty, and funny in an off-beat kind of way.”

(I am grinning as I nod.)

Me: “Yep. He’d have to be 5’9; muscular but not beefy. He’d need hazel eyes, a light olive complexion, black hair, and a cheeky grin.”

(My boyfriend smirks and the customer frowns.)

Customer: “It sounds like she just described you.”

Boyfriend: “That’s because she was describing me. She’s my girlfriend.”

Customer: “Oh! I meant no harm, man!”

(The customer runs out of the store with his bag, and we both start laughing.)

Me: “You should visit me at work more often.”