Bottle, Bottle, On The Wall, Who Is The Dumbest Of Them All

| Huddersfield, England, UK | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(A customer half staggers inside.)

Customer: “Excuse me mate, where are ya’ beers?”

(I indicate to the left of the till where our alcohol aisle is. I suspect that he might already be intoxicated. I tell him where the alcohol section is, but keep a close eye on him. The customer wanders slowly up the aisle, inspecting our cans and bottles of cheap alcohol. He makes it all the way to the end before stopping. There, he proceeds to stand, facing into the corner, as if he is taking a leak. I get out from behind the till and approach him.)

Me: “Are you alright?”

(The customer jumps, startled, and turns to face me. His eyes are bloodshot, yet he doesn’t smell of alcohol.)

Customer: “Oh yeah! I’m glad you’re here. You see, I want to get these beers here.”

(He points to some beers that he can see on the top shelf in the corner. He paws, like a cat at the glass separating him from the beers.)

Customer: “I can’t get to ’em. So, I was wondering if you could just go in the back, go around, and get ’em for me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You want me to get… those beers?”

Customer: “Yeah! That’s the ones. So, like, if you could just… go around and get them.”

(I stare at him blankly for a couple of seconds, then decide to release the customer of his misery.)

Me: “Mate… that’s a mirror.”

Doesn’t Have Cold Feet About Sharing

| London, England, UK | Bizarre, Health & Body

(I work in a rather high-end furniture and house-ware store. I’m helping a well-dressed, well-spoken lady in her fifties choose some items from the basement floor.)

Customer: “I’m sorry I have to walk so slowly. You know, I had some major foot surgery done just last month and have not entirely recovered yet.”

Me: “Not a problem at all. I must say you’re doing wonderfully well. In fact, I would have never guessed if you didn’t tell me.”

Customer: “Yes, it’s getting better now, but I was in such pain for the first few days; I’m telling you.”

Me: “Well, I sure hope you’ll be alright soon. There, I’ll carry that for you, at least.”

(We make our way back upstairs, where the tills are located. I’m carrying her items, and we’re making small talk throughout. I ring her up and hand her the carrier bag and receipt.)

Customer: “Yes, I was telling you about my feet. I have some pictures; let me show you…”

(Before I can think of a reply, she leans over the counter and proceeds to show me several photos of her feet covered in angry septic sores.)

Me: “Well… that sure looks bad. I’m glad it’s all sorted now.”

Customer: “Terrible, isn’t it? So much pus, you have no idea of the smell! Absolutely rotten! Oh, well, thank you and have a nice day!”

(She leaves. My manager walks by.)

Manager: “Are you alright? What was that about?”

Me: “Never mind. Any chance I could get a late lunch-break today?”

The Breast Advice

| AR, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body

(A lone customer, obviously pregnant, is looking at the wall of pacifiers and bottles, looking more and more confused as she stands there. She turns to me.)

Customer: “Hey, do you have any kids?”

Me: “Yes, I have a three-year-old daughter.”

Customer: “Oh, thank God! Which one of these bottles did you use? I don’t know which one is the best one!”

Me: “Oh, my daughter never drank from a bottle.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “My daughter never drank from a bottle. We didn’t need them.”

Customer: “B…but then how did you feed her?!”

Me: “With my boobs.”

(The customer digests this for a few seconds, then blushes crimson and runs off, leaving me a little confused, offended, and worried about the child she is carrying.)