Of Chemically Unsound Mind

| West Virginia, USA | Math & Science

(I am stocking shelves in my store when a customer walks up to me.)

Customer: “Do you know why Clorox is called Clorox?”

Me: “Possibly because its active ingredients include chlorine and oxygen atoms?”

Customer: “There’s no oxygen in Clorox! That’s what we breathe! You kids need to go back to school, cause you ain’t learnin’ nothin’!” *storms away*

It’ll Take More Than One Bag To Hold All That Anger

| Quebec, Canada | At The Checkout

(A customer in his late 50s approaches, so I start ringing him up.)

Customer: “Can I see your bags?”

Me: “Sure.” *I show him our store’s bags*

Customer: “I don’t want any of your bags. Give me another one!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but those are the only one we have. Since you only have one item, maybe you can just carry it with you? We don’t require you to put it in a bag.”

Customer: “No, no, you don’t understand. I need a bag! I’m walking back home. However, I don’t want to give you guys free advertisement when I’m walking with your bag!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we really don’t have any other bags.”

Customer: “Just give me that bag over there, then!”

(He points to another bag, which was accidentally left by another customer from a different store that she had just been to. However, that bag is full of products and also has that store’s name and logo on it.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t. It belongs to another customer.”

Customer: “You stupid f***! You won’t even give me a f***ing bag?! You are the worst employee that I have ever seen! I’m never shopping here ever again!” *storms off*

Eyes Wide Shut

| Wisconsin, USA | Top

(Note: I am the customer in this story. This takes place when I am getting a makeover at the cosmetics counter of a department store.)

Saleswoman: *doing my eye makeup* “Okay, now open!”

Me: *opens mouth & keeps eyes closed*

Saleswoman: “I meant your eyes, dear…”

Gravity, The Universal Mood Killer, Part 3

, | Washington, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

(I work at a store that sells area rugs. We take a fair amount of phone calls from people who have questions regarding area rugs.)

Me: “[Store], this is [name].”

Caller: “Hello? I have a question. Can you help me?”

Me: “Of course, what is your question?”

Caller: “I can’t get it to stay up!”

Me: “Oh…um…okay. What do you mean?”

Customer: “My area rug! It’s old and I love it, but recently I can’t get it to stay up. The…what are they called? Fibers? They are all crushed and won’t stay up!”

Me: “Oh, I see.”

Customer: “I’ve been vacuuming it non-stop on all the different settings. It’s not as stiff and thick as it used to be. No matter how hard I suck, it just won’t stay up!”

Me: *trying to stay composed* “Alright, well that does tend to happen with age. Rugs tend to get pile-crushing after long periods of heavy traffic.”

Customer: “So, you’re telling me I can’t get it up because it’s old?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, that is exactly what I’m telling you.”

(I manage to keep it together for the rest of the conversation. However, my manager, who can hear the entire exchange, is cracking-up next to me the entire time. The innuendo was much thicker than her rug!)

Related:
Gravity, The Universal Mood Killer, Part 2
Gravity, The Universal Mood Killer

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The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Back Pain

| California, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

(I work at the fitting rooms of a retail store. Two women are trying on bathing suits. They each have had obvious plastic surgery and enormous racks.)

Customer #1: *dumps a pile of bikinis on my desk* “None of these fit! It’s ridiculous that your store doesn’t carry anything to fit me.”

Customer #2: “Don’t waste your breath…she wouldn’t understand. Look at how tiny her boobs are!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer #1: “Honey, let me give you my brother’s card. He can give you MUCH better boobs.”

Customer #2: “He did mine too! Look how bouncy they are!” *jiggles chest*

Me: “I’m…okay with C-cups, thanks.”

Customer #1: “Call him if you change your mind! Life is better with huge boobs!”

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