So Gullible It’s Hard To Believe

| Auburn Hills, MI, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer has used the store’s emergency exit, setting off the alarms. A husband and wife walk up to my cheese display while the alarms sound.)

Wife:  “What’s that sound!?”

Me: “Oh, that’s just the employee alarm.”

Wife: “Employee alarm?”

Me: “Yes, it tells the managers that one of the employees tried to escape the building, so they can retrieve them.”

Husband: *chuckles*

Wife: *serious, eyes wide* “Oh, that’s awful!”

Me: “Don’t worry, by now they have already sedated them and locked them back in the closet with the rest of the off-duty employees.”

Wife: “They lock up the employees?!”

Me: “Only when they are not being used. It stops them from being late to work, you see.”

Wife:  “Some one needs to do something to help these poor–”

Husband:  “Dear, he is joking. That was a door alarm.”

Wife: “Oh…are you sure?”

Husband: “Yes.”

Wife: *looks relieved and walks away*

Husband: *laughs* “Thank you for that!”

Me:  “I’m glad you enjoyed it. Try some cheese?”

The Bear-est Signs Of Intelligence

| Dallas, TX, USA | Top

(The customer is buying one piece of jewelry. I’m all about the environment so I try to avoid giving out bags for small purchases.)

Me: “Would you like a bag, or do you want to put it in your purse?”

Customer: “My purse is fine.”

Me: “Yay! You just saved a polar bear!”

Customer: *eyes go wide* “Plastic bags… are made out of… polar bears?!”

Church At The Checkout

| Christchurch, NZ | Uncategorized

(A customer and her young daughter come up to my register.)

Me: “Hi there! How are you going?”

Mother: “I’m good, thanks!”

(Her daughter spots the sponge we use to make the bags easier to open.)

Daughter: “It’s the sponge! The sponge of baptism!”

Me: *speechless*

Daughter: “The sponge of baptism!” *places finger on sponge and wipes on forehead*

Mother: “We’re not even religious…”

Too Many Chutes, Not Enough Ladders

| Fayetteville, NC, USA | Top

(The electricity went out for about 30 seconds in our department store. Shortly after the blackout, the following conversation took place.)

Customer #1: “It was weird how the power went out like that.”

Customer #2: “Yeah, but at least we weren’t in the elevator. Can you imagine?”

Customer #1: “Oh yeah, that would have been pretty bad. But not as bad as it would have been on the escalator.”

Customer #2: “The escalator?”

Customer #1: “Yeah, just think of how scary that would be! The escalator loses power and then woosh!” *makes a hand gesture to represent stairs going flat, becoming a slide*

Customer #2: “Oh yes, that would be awful!”

Customer #1: “I hope all the people who were on the escalator are okay.”

Customer #2: *shakes her head sadly* “Woosh…”

There’s No Such Thing As Half A Dozen Stupid Questions

| Walnut Creek, CA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Excuse me, where can I find the manager?”

Me: “She’s in the cigar booth over there, with the hanging sign that says “Cigars”.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. What’s his name?”

Me: “Her name is Kat.”

Customer: “Ken?”

Me: “No, Kat.”

Customer: “Jack?”

Me: “No, Kat. Like the animal.”

Customer: “A woman?!”

Me: “Haha, yeah.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Where is she?”

Me: “The cigar booth.”

Customer: “The registers?”

Me: “No, the cigar booth.”

Customer: “The tasting area?”

Me: “Let me show you…”