Get Some Up-Lifted Bras To Go With Shop-Lifted Panties

| Boston, MA, USA | Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month

(I have just clocked out at work, and I have already changed into my street clothes. I am waiting for a manager to check my bag before I can leave, as is this is store policy. While I’m waiting, I see a customer is stooped low near a table of panties and she has her purse open. I cannot clearly see what is going on, but from experience I assume she is stealing them. She makes for the door when I speak to her.)

Me: “Would you like a shopping bag for those?”

Customer: “Uh… what?”

Me: “Would you like a shopping bag for those panties you just put in your purse?”

Customer: “Oh… I was just… uh… going over to the register.”

(She tries to casually change directions and head back towards the register.)

Me: “Right, well, since you have no intention of paying for them, can I have them back please?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

(She looks extremely embarrassed and irritated that she got caught, but she opens her purse and pulls out the biggest wad of panties I’ve ever seen. She shoves them back onto the table.)

Me: “Thank you.”

(I watch her rush out of the door. It is not our store policy to confront shoplifters. However, I am not on the clock and therefore can say whatever I want!)

On A Completely Different Wavelength

| USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

Customer: “I am looking for a portable radio with headphones I can use while I walk or go to the gym.”

Me: “Certainly! May I suggest this unit right here? It is actually an all-in-one unit; the radio is a part of the headphone assembly itself.”

Customer: “I would rather have the headphones and radio be separate.”

Me: “Well, we have multiple pocket radios with a headphone jack right over here. Do any of these look like what you are looking for?”

Customer: “I would rather have a larger unit I can keep on the table, and plug into the wall.”

Me: “Well, this unit right here is a little larger but can still be carried on you, and can plug into the wall as well as use headphones. It will charge while it’s plugged in, and you can take it with you when you walk or travel.”

Customer: “But I don’t want it to use batteries.”

Me: “So you want it to be a wall-socket only, non-battery powered, portable radio you can use while you walk and exercise?”

Customer: “Yes, why is that so complicated?”

Has Not Registered The Lack Of Pockets

| UK | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers, Money, Theme Of The Month, Top

(A customer brings some items to my register and I ring them up. The total is £5.50, and she hands me a £10 note. I’ve come across this scam many times, so rather than putting the customer’s money straight into the register, I always place it on top until the transaction is complete, and put it in the drawer at the last moment. It is summer, and I am wearing a light summer dress with no pockets.)

Me: “Thanks, your change is £4.50, and here’s your receipt.”

Customer: *staring at the money but not taking it* “I gave you a £20 note.”

Me: “No, sorry, you paid with a £10 note. Your change is £4.50.”

Customer: “No! I gave you a £20 note! You’re trying to short-change me!”

Me: *smiling* “You gave me £10. This £10.” *I point at the note sitting on the register* “Your change is £4.50.”

Customer: *red-faced and irate* “Get your manager!”

(My manager is at a desk right behind me, and has heard everything.)

Manager: “Can I help?”

Customer: “She’s trying to steal my money! I gave her a £20, but she’s only giving me change for a £10!”

Manager: *peering into my cash drawer* “Well, the drawer has two £5 notes, and about three £10 notes in it, but no £20 notes. Where exactly is the £20 note you paid with?”

Customer: “Um… she must have pocketed it!”

(The manager steps back, and makes a point of slowly looking up and down at my clearly pocketless outfit.)

Manager: “Right… and where exactly would she have put it?”

Customer: “Er…”

Manager: “Right.” *to me* “Give her the change from the £10.”

Me: “Here you go, £4.50!”

Customer: “F*** you!”

Manager: *to me* “I’ll make you a cup of tea. I think you need it.”