Blue Solo Cup…

| USA | Awesome Workers, Extra Stupid

(I see a woman with dozens of cups on the ground around her, taking each one off the shelf, and onto the floor.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I love these cups but i want 12 of them, all the same color. These are all different shades of blue.”

(She picks a cup from the shelf, and holds it up to the light. She then places it on the floor.)

Me: “Well, my manager doesn’t want customers to know this, but we have to sell those first. I’ll get you the special ones in the back.”

(I go to the back room, and grab twelve of the cups that are the exact same brand, style, and color as the ones on the shelves.)

Me: “Here you go. Just don’t tell my manager.”

(She picks each one up and holds them up to the light. Remember that these ones are identical to the ones she insisted were different colors.)

Customer: “They’re perfect. Thanks so much!”

Should Have Check-ed The Date

| Arlington, VA, USA | At The Checkout, Money

(I am the unlucky customer stuck behind this transaction. It’s the holiday season, so the store is very busy.)

Customer: *after all items have been scanned* “Yes, what’s your return policy on this [Large Electronic Item]?”

Cashier: “For this item, it is a 30-day return policy, but you must have the receipt and all of the original packaging.”

Customer: “So if it doesn’t work, I can bring it back tomorrow?”

Cashier: “Yes.”

Customer: “Okay, let me just get my checkbook.”

Cashier: “If you are paying by check, there is a three to five day waiting period before we can issue a refund.”

Customer: “You just said I could return this tomorrow. Which is it?”

Cashier: “We have to wait for the check to clear before refunding you.”

Customer: “MANAGER! NOW!”

(The manager shows up and the cashier explains the question.)

Customer: “I want to buy this tonight and if I don’t like it, I want to return it tomorrow.”

Manager: “That’s not possible; it takes a few days to process checks. We don’t get many, so they only get deposited twice a week.”

Customer: “Just keep it in your safe and if I don’t like it, you can just tear it up when I bring back the item.”

Manager: “That’s not how that works…”

Customer: “Why not? This is 2016! Can’t you figure out a faster way to handle checks?”

(At this point, I step in.)

Me: “Yes, it’s 2016. Who writes checks anymore? Either buy it and wait to return it or use a credit card or debit card like everyone else, but don’t hold up the rest of us because you haven’t learned that writing a check is the slowest form of payment in existence — for everyone involved.”

Customer: *shocked look* “Can she talk to me like that?”

Manager: “She’s not an employee, so…”

(The lady pulls out a credit card and pays. Really? You had one the whole time, lady?! After she has left…)

Cashier: *to me* “Thanks. I’m not allowed to say what I think!”

Me: “I’ve worked retail management; it’s my duty now to speak up when customers suck.”

Cashier: “I’m so sorry; your candy fell into the bag before I could scan it. Have a great night!”

Red Alert!

| Orono, ME, USA | Extra Stupid

(I work at a smoke shop, and get a call.)

Me: “Hello? This is [Store]. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Are you [Other Store]?”

Me: “No, sir, we are [Store].”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I am sure.”

Customer: “But your logo is red!”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Customer: “So you admit you’re [Other Store]!”

Me: “No, sir, both stores have red logos.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I’m coming down right now to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Have a nice day!” *click*

The Joke Is Free, But The Twist Will Cost You

| Moreno Valley, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Prank

(I want to buy my first pocket knife. I go into the local knife/sword shop in our mall and notice some cool, basic pocket knives on sale; buy-one get-one. As I go up to purchase them the second one won’t scan.)

Employee: *trying repeatedly to scan the barcode* “Odd, it seems to not want to scan. This may take a moment.”

Me: *chuckles a little but not making the “must be free” joke*

Employee: *completely straight face* “Well I’m sorry, but items that don’t scan are $100k. Will that be cash, debit, or credit?”

(I was shocked for a couple seconds before we both started laughing and he found another code to scan for the same knife. Best twist on the “it won’t scan; it must be free!” joke I’ve ever seen!)

I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 26

| SC, USA | Crazy Requests, Time

(I frequently stop by Large Chain Store on my way home from work to grab a random item or dinner, and I don’t carry around a spare shirt to change into so I usually am in uniform. This night, a woman had been aggressively following me around the store for about 10 minutes screaming “excuse me!”)

Me: “Uh, can I help you?”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. I can’t believe it took you this long to acknowledge me! Where is your manager?”

Me: “Probably at home by now.”

Customer: “You’re lying to me! There has to be a manager on duty right now!”

Me: “No, the store closed about thirty minutes ago. My manager is definitely at home right now.”

(The lady looks genuinely confused.)

Customer: “Isn’t this store open 24 hours a day?”

Me: “It is, which is why I’m glad I don’t work here. Hope you find that rude [Large Chain Store] employee you are looking for.”

(I think at that point she finally noticed that my shirt had another company’s name in huge letters across the back. She left me alone.)

I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 25
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 24
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 23

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