A Significant Flight Risk

| Honolulu, HI, USA | At The Checkout, Love/Romance, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month, Transportation

(I work in a very touristy part of town and we have a lot of flight attendants who stop through the store. I see a guy and help him at the computer. This guy is close to 60.)

Me: “So you just click here and it should be good.”

Customer: “Oh, thank you. Say, where are you from?”

Me: “The Philippines.”

Customer: “Oh, my friend met his wife there. He basically waited outside of the college she was attending everyday and finally convinced him to go out with her. She eventually said yes. I’ve been there a few times since I’m a flight attendant. Beautiful women you know.”

Me: “That’s nice. I’m gonna go help out some other people. Ask me if you have other questions.”

(I loop around a couple more times around the store answering questions. He flags me down.)

Customer: “Marry me and you’ll fly for free.”

Me: “Ha ha. That’s the same line my friend’s dad used 30 years ago on his wife.”

Customer: “Well, it’s a good line.”

Me: “I think I’ll pass, but thank you anyway.”

(I loop around the store again, and start demonstrating a product features. I see him lingering in the back waiting for me to finish.)

Customer: “Thank you for helping me out tonight. You’re really sweet. Here’s my card.”

Me: “Uh. Thanks.”

(The card said, “You’re really charming and here’s my number. Let’s meet for drinks after work.” I never called, but he came back a few weeks later asking for help with his phone from my coworker. His phone background was a picture of some woman’s breasts. Gross.)

Requires Protection From Customers

| Watseka, IL, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

(The store has just opened, and the first customer in the store is a very elderly gentleman in an electric wheelchair. He approaches me in the hardware department.)

Me: “Good morning, sir. Can I help you find anything?”

Customer: *after long pause* “… I need screws.”

Me: “Okay, the screws are right here behind me. What size do you need?”

Customer: *points* “Hand me that box.”

(I hand him the box, and he opens it and removes one screw.)

Customer: “Now… I need protection for my screw. Where would I get that?”

Me: “Well, the nuts and washers are all right here.”

Customer: “No…” *doing air quotes with his fingers* “‘PROTECTION,’ for my ‘SCREWS.'”

Me: “I don’t follow you, sir…”

Customer: *talking under his breath* “… rubbers.”

Me: “Rubbers?”

Customer: *yelling* “CONDOMS, OK?! I NEED CONDOMS!”

Me: “Sir, this is a farm supply store… We don’t sell those.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.” *hands me back the screws* “Put these back, I don’t need them.”

Doesn’t Have A Leg To Stand On

, | UK | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Health & Body

(Four months before this, I broke my leg very badly while at university. I am currently working in a shop at home over the holidays. I’m at the checkouts and see a lady with her arm in a sling trying to cut in front of a very long queue.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. The queue starts over there.”

Customer: “I was standing in [other queue] for ages before someone told me it was a self service!”

Me: “Sorry, but all these people have been queuing.”

Customer: “It’s a bloody outrage. Your signs aren’t at all clear!”

Next Customer In Line: “Oh, just let her go.”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: “I’ve got a sprained wrist. You people have no idea how much pain I’m in! I shouldn’t be treated like this! I’ve a good mind to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Actually, I do know. Four months ago, I broke my leg in six places and had to have several operations to fix it. I’ve been walking on it for less than a month. In order to fund myself through medical school, so I can be a doctor and help people, I’m spending nine hours a day standing on my feet serving customers who can’t do anything but complain.”

(The customer looked ashamed, mumbled a ‘sorry,’ and was polite from then on, avoiding the angry glares the other customers in line were giving her.)

Adjourning A Returning

| NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Home Improvement

(I manage a furniture store. A regular customer is the wife of the owner of several car dealerships in our area. Over the years she has made many purchases, always custom orders from the factory, and not once had accepted the original piece. Sometimes chairs have been reordered multiple times before she would find one she found acceptable. I see her working with one of our designers. After the sale was written, I cringe when I see she has ordered a recliner in the most expensive leather we carry. I decide to develop a plan, as we would never be able to sell this chair if she returned it. On the day of delivery, I approach the drivers.)

Me: “Bring the chair to the showroom, please.”

Driver: “But we have this down for delivery.”

Me: “Please, just bring it in. You’ll see.”

(The drivers bring it in, and I take a hammer and smash the frame of the swivel base. I then hand the drivers a new swivel base.)

Me: “Please deliver the chair with the smashed base.”

(Of course, on delivery, the customer saw the damage and insisted on a new chair. My drivers took the chair to their truck, replaced the damaged base and brought the same chair back into the house. She accepted the chair. That was the first (of many) custom orders she never returned!)

Always Been A Leg Man

| Singapore | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

Customer: “So this table leg, can it fit onto this table?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “And is it easy to fix it?”

Me: “Yup.”

Customer: “We just have to screw it ourselves yeah?”

Me: “Yes, just screw yourselves.” *suppressed laughter*

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