A Return To The Dark Ages

| Liverpool, England, UK | Working | August 15, 2015

(After buying a large amount of DVDs from a second-hand DVD shop, I get a notice off my bank that I have gone into an unplanned overdraft. Turned out my student loan hadn’t gone in in time. I should have checked this in advance, but the shop has a seven-day time limit to change your mind and return a purchase for no reason. I go in the next day.)

Me: “I’d like to return these.”

Employee: “What’s the problem with them?”

Me: “Nothing. I just realised I don’t really have the funds for a purchase as expensive as this.”

Employee: “None of them are damaged so I can’t return them.”

Me: “That’s not what your website said.”

Employee: *scoffing* “I’ll get the manager.”

(He leaves and the manager comes back.)

Manager: “You want to return these?”

Me: “Yeah, your website said I have seven days to return for cash?”

Manager: “Yeah, whatever. I’ll sort it out for you, I guess.”

(The manager then starts taking the DVDs out of the cases and putting them in the plastic sleeves they keep them in behind the desk. This must take 15 minutes, as there are a lot of DVDs.)

Manager: “Card?”

(I hand him my debit card.)

Manager: “No, card.”

Me: “Which card?”

Manager: “Your [Store] membership card.”

Me: “I don’t have one…”

Manager: “I can’t give you store credit without a membership card.”

Me: “I don’t want credit; I want the money.”

Manager: “We don’t do returns for cash.”

Me: “Your website said I have seven days to return for cash, and 30 days to return for credit. I only bought them yesterday.”

Manager: “Yeah, well, we don’t do that here. I can only give you credit.”

Me: “I wish you’d told me that earlier. I’d rather just keep them than get store credit.”

(The manager looks down at the pile of empty DVD cases next to the pile of DVDs in the shops protective sleeves. He looks at me, grins slyly, and slides them both over. He then walks off.)

Me: “You’re kidding me?!”

Pouring Oil On Troubled Waters

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Right | August 14, 2015

(I’m doing in-store demos of an iron that comes with a calcium filter, calcium in the water being that white stuff that comes out of your iron. A woman who purchased the iron last year comes up to me with a question.)

Customer: “Hi there. Do you know why my iron is leaking brown liquid?”

Me: “Did you empty your calcium filter?”

Customer: “Oh, yes. Regularly.”

(I’m just about to tell her to return it for a replacement when she adds…)

Customer: “Do you think it has anything to do with the olive oil my husband accidentally poured into the water tank?”

Me: “…”

Surprising Language

| CA, USA | Right | August 13, 2015

(I’m working the registers and serving a Chinese person. My perky coworker, who’s Latino, walks by.)

Coworker: “Ní hǎo!”

Customer: “¿Cómo está?!”

Coworker: *completely taken by surprise* “That’s Spanish!”

How To Fry Their Canadian Bacon

, | Quebec, QC, Canada | Right | August 12, 2015

(I’m a European immigrant: I don’t necessarily look foreign, as I’ve been told by some… But I sound foreign. While serving an older customer:)

Customer: “And what race are you?”

Me: “I’m from the human race, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, of course? I mean what “race” are you?”

Me: “There are no race among humans, ma’am. If you want to know my phenotype, I’m Caucasian, like you.”

Customer: “I’m a proud Canadian!”

Me: “That’s your nationality, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, uh, I’m never shopping here again!”

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Closing The Windows On This Scam

| TX, USA | Working | August 11, 2015

(We commonly get random sales calls at work, but as we’re a company chain store, we usually give the corporate number and that’s that. For the past four days, though, we have gotten a scam call from an 800 number that ends with four zeros at the end, which is how we have kept track of it. He has a strong accent, gives random male names, and always says he is with tech and calling about our computer.)

Me: “[Store], this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Tech: “Hi, this is Kevin. I am calling about your computer.”

Me: *rolls eyes at coworkers and mouths that it’s him again* “Yes, what about the computer?”

Tech: “Yes, your computer is having problems.”

Me: “Oh, really? What kind of problems are you talking about?”

Tech: “Well, when you are getting on the Internet, you are having problems.”

Me: “Hmm, no, really haven’t. Can you explain what you mean?”

Tech: *getting frustrated* When you are getting on the Facebook and your emails, you are getting things that are slowing your computer down. Are you seeing things like that?”

Me: “Nope, haven’t seen a thing.”

Tech: “Well, that is what is happening. Are you sitting in front of your computer?”

Me: “I am.”

Tech: “Is this computer on?”

Me: “No. Should I turn it on?”

Tech: “Yes, I need for you to turn it on for me.”

Me: “It’ll take a little bit.”

(I’m nowhere near a computer, so I stand to the side writing down everything that he’s said to me so far.)

Me: “Okay, it’s on now.”

Tech: “Is it on the Windows?”

Me: “Windows? No. We have it on the desk.”

Tech: “I mean do you have Windows on your computer?”

Me: “No, I don’t believe in that modding nonsense for computers.”

Tech: *getting frustrated again* “Is your computer run by Windows?”

Me: “Oh! You mean is my operating system Windows! Yes, it is.”

Tech: “Yes, then do you see your keyboard?”

Me: “I see it.”

Tech: “Do you see your control key?”

Me: “Yes, what about it?”

Tech: “Do you see what’s beside it?”

Me: “The control key? There’s a shift.”

Tech: *getting angry again*“No, what is beside it.”

Me: “Well, there’s a key that looks like a menu item. That one?”

Tech: “No! On the left side control key.”

Me: “Oh! You mean my Windows key! Yeah, I see it.”

Tech: “I need you to press this down and ‘R’ at the same time.”

Me: “Okay, why do I need to do that?”

Tech: “This will open up this black box so you can type run in there. Is this black box up?”

Me: “No, I don’t have a black box up. What was I supposed to do again?”

Tech: “You need to be pressing the Windows key and the R key at the same time.”

Me: “Oh, you must want me to prompt a run command. Is that what you mean for me to do?”

Tech: “Yes—”

Me: “—and then you’re going to tell me how to give you access to my computer next. Of course, if my computer was actually running slow, I could always go into the BIOS to check things. Or I could get the TDSSKiller. Or run Spybot, or a number of other programs. However, I don’t think I have a problem. I think you just want remote access to my computer so you can still hard earned money from me. Luckily for me, I’m not stupid. You’re calling a company phone, so even if I did run that command, you wouldn’t have gotten anything from us. I will be notifying the necessary people about you and your scam. This number will be posted up so customers will know in advance you are a scam artist, and if you call here again, we are not going to be this nice to you. Do not call this number again.”

Tech: “You are an idiot.”

Me: “And you’re just angry that it didn’t work.” *click*

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