How To Start Fires

| NC, USA | Romantic | February 1, 2016

(My husband and I go to our local dollar store. I point out a spot close to the front of the store.)

Husband: “I can’t park there. It’s for the Fire Department.”

(He finds a spot farther away. I ponder this for a moment.)

Me: “FD only does not mean Fire Department. It means Family Dollar only. Thanks for the walk!”

Maybe Buy Her Something More Sim-ple

| USA | Friendly | February 1, 2016

(I work at a retail store and overhear this conversation between two customers.)

Customer #1: “I have to buy this shirt!”

Customer #2: “But it’s not even your size.”

Customer #1: “I can give it to my daughter. I have to have it. One of my Sims has a shirt just like it!”

Customer #2: “Really?”

Customer #1: “Yep! Her name is Jojo and she’s an experienced adulterer! She is unemployed and spends her time cheating on her husband with six of my other Sims!”

Customer #2: “You sure you want to buy that shirt for your daughter?”

Cocoa Crazy

| AK, USA | Working | February 1, 2016

(I’m the weird one in this story. For Valentine’s Day, my girlfriend gives me chocolate-scented hand lotion, which smells almost EXACTLY like chocolate truffles and lasts for hours. I put some on before work and am still pretty excited over it, as I love chocolate.)

Me: *runs up to my coworkers* “Guys! Guys! Smell my hand!”

(My coworkers all stare blankly at me as I shove my hand towards them.)

Coworker #1: “…I feel like we’re missing some context.”

Coworker #2: “And this is a very WEIRD way to start my shift.”

The Gift Card That Keeps On Giving

| TX, USA | Right | January 31, 2016

(My store often offers promotions where if you buy two of certain items, you get a free $5 store gift card. Due to how our system works, the gift card has to be scanned to activate it. A customer comes up to me at the service desk, complaining that she’s been charged for the free gift card.)

Customer: “The sign said if I bought these two products, I’d get a free gift card. But the cashier charged me for the card!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Can I see your receipt? I’ll try to get this straightened out.”

(I look at her receipt, and she hasn’t been charged. It says:)

-Gift Card $5

-Free Promotion -$5

-Promo total $0

(I explain this to her, pointing out where the negative number cancels out the card amount.)

Customer: “…Well, I guess I wasn’t charged. But I’m still going to ask my husband to double-check this when I get home. This would be so much easier if you just gave people the card without scanning it!”

Me: “But ma’am, as I said, if it wasn’t scanned it wouldn’t activate, and you’d be given an empty card.”

Customer: “Well, that’s your problem, isn’t it?!”

(She finally leaves and another customer comes up.)

Customer #2: “Let me guess… that happens way more often than it should.”

Me: “You have no idea…”

This Is A Hold Up

| Grand Forks, ND, USA | Working | January 30, 2016

(I am working customer service at a big tech retailer. A customer comes in, having recently purchased a tablet which is now on sale at another store. She isn’t pleased about having to come back to our store, but I help as best I can.)

Me: “Part of the price match policy is that we must call the other store to make sure they have it in stock at that price. If they don’t, then we have the best price in town.”

Customer: “Ugh. Fine.”

(I proceed to call the other store. The phone operator is monotone and transfers me without ceremony. After a few minutes on hold, I get electronics.)

Other Store: “Electronics.”

Me: “Yes, I was looking in your ad at the [specific model tablet]. Can you tell me how much that is?” *my standard ruse when checking prices*

Other Store: “Uh… sure. Hold on.”

(More holding. During this time, I’m commiserating with the customer about the other store. She starts telling me how she prefers to shop here, and just wanted to get a good price, which I understand.)

Other Store: “I’m sorry; we don’t carry [wrong brand] laptops.”

Me: “[Wrong brand] laptops?”

Other Store: “Yes.”

Me: “I was looking for [specific model tablet].”

Other Store: “Oh, my mistake. Hold on.”

(On Hold 3: On Hold With a Vengeance. At this point, the customer is no longer remotely unfriendly towards me, the policy, or our service and prices.)

Other Store: “Yes, we have it. It’s $450.”

Me: “$450?”

Other Store: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, thanks.” *hangs up* “Hey, [representative of the tablet company who happens to be in the store], which of your tablets is $450?”

Representative: “Oh, that’d be [different model]. Why?”

Me: “No reason. [Customer], I give up. Here’s your $20.”

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