These Adult Toys Are Extra Dirty

| USA | Right | October 26, 2015

(I work in an adult novelty store that sells toys. A lady walks in and comes up to the counter and pulls out a very expensive item.)

Customer: “I bought this here and I need to return it and get my money back.”

Me: “All novelty sales are final, due to the intimate nature of the products. That’s the law in this state.”

Customer: “But it’s still in the package!”

Me: “Yeah, but these kinds of products come in easily opened packages, they’re not actually sealed.”

(I take a closer look at the package, and it’s not even an item we carry. I’ve been with the company for almost ten years, and I’m the one that orders all of our stock. The item retails for almost $130, and would never sell in our market.)

Me: “Besides, ma’am, we don’t carry that product. I’m 100% certain of that. So that didn’t come from here.”

Customer: “It was worth trying. So, how much is this worth? I found it outside of someone’s house on the curb. Think I could sell it on eBay?”

Me: *at a complete loss for words as this is beyond disgusting* “I don’t know, but the retail on it is $130.”

Customer: “Thanks for your help!”

Hasn’t Had His Morning Cup Of Joe

| Long Island, NY, USA | Working | October 25, 2015

(I am on the phone:)

Person: “Hi, can I talk to Human Resources?”

Me: “Um, we don’t have a Human Resources department in our store.”

Person: “I’d like to speak with Human Resources.”

Me: “We don’t have Human Resources at this store.”

Person: “Oh, well, someone, I think he said his name is Joe, called me and asked if I could come in for a job interview, but it went to my voicemail so I’m calling back.”

Me: “Oh! Okay! Let me get the manager for you. And by the way, the manager’s name is Phil.”

Person: “Did you say his name is Joseph?”

Me: “No, his name is Phil.”

Person: “I hate this phone. His name is Joe?”

Me: “Phil.”

Person: “Joe?”

Me: “Phil!”

Person: “Is it Bill?”

Me: *giving up* “Yes.”

Never Sausage A Thing Before

| UK | Right | October 25, 2015

Me: “Doesn’t look like these sausages are scanning. Where did you get them from?”

Customer: “In the freezer. I know you can sell them to me. I work for a shop, too, and you can just put the price in and sell them to me.”

Me: *goes to check for a price – no other items, no price, don’t even sell them* “Sorry, I can’t sell these to you. We don’t even sell them! I’m not sure how they got there”

Customer: “No! You can and YOU WILL sell them to me! And you can do it now! Stop wasting my time. I want them and you can sell them”

Me: “I’ve literally never seen these before in my life. I don’t have a price for them. I thought they were new, and they’re not. How am I supposed to sell you what we don’t sell?”

Customer: “Just put the price in and sell them!”

Me: “But, there isn’t a price! Well, fine, how does £2 sound?”

(And that’s the story of how I sold sausages we didn’t even sell, because I “had to sell them and could sell them.”)

A Perfect Motherly Storm

| Southampton, NY, USA | Romantic | October 23, 2015

(I work at a popular home decor shop. An older woman comes in, and I make my way to greet her. It’s a sweltering day outside.)

Me: “Good afternoon, welcome!”

Customer: “It’s hardly good out. It’s boiling outside!”

Me: “I know; it’s miserable. I hate the hot weather.”

(The woman looks shocked and thrilled. She starts eyeing me up and down, appraisingly.)

Customer: “You do?”

Me: “Yup. I’m more of a winter girl. I love the snow.”

(At this point, the woman’s eyes grow huge and round, and she starts to bounce up and down a little.)

Customer: “Are you married?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Are. You. Married?”

Me: “Um, no, but I do live with my boyfriend.”

Customer: “Perfect! You should meet my son!”

Me: “I’m flattered, but like I said, I live with my boy—”

Customer: “He lives in Michigan! It snows there!”

Me: “That’s great for him, but I don’t plan on moving. And like I said, I have a—”

Customer: “He’s coming over for dinner tonight! You should come over!”

(At this point, I make up an excuse and hand her off to another customer. She leaves without buying anything. A few hours later, she comes back in. I’m the only free salesperson at this point, and as it’s corporate policy, I have no choice but to greet her.)

Me: “Hello again, ma’am. Is there anything I can help you—”

Customer: “Yes!”

(She pulls out her wallet, and grabs a photo of her son from it.)

Customer: “He’s famous! He’s a weatherman!”

Me: “Again, ma’am, that’s great, but like I said, I have a boyfriend, and I don’t know your son.”

Customer: “But he lives in Michigan!”

Me: “Ma’am, is there anything I can help you shop for?”

Customer: “Dinner is at seven! You should come by! He’d love you! You look so nice!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid I can’t come to dinner. I live with my boyfriend, and I don’t think he’d like that.”

Customer: “…but you said you like snow!”

(She finally gave up, but she kept moping around the store and shooting me morose looks. I felt so terrible for her son!)

A Noteworthy Customer

| Brighton, England, UK | Right | October 23, 2015

(An eccentrically dressed man comes up to my till. I go to scan his items…)

Man: “No, wait! I can’t stand the beeping noise. It disturbs me. Hold on.”

(The man puts his fingers in his ears and nods to me. I scan through his items and he removes his fingers.)

Me: “That’ll be £4.49 please.”

(The man hands me a £10 note and I take a £5 note out of the till to give him as change.)

Man: “Could you check that, please?”

Me: “I’m sorry? What would you like me to check?”

Man: “The £5 note. I need to know it’s real.”

Me: “Um, okay.”

(I take out our note-checking pen and show him that the note is genuine.)

Man: “Thank you. You can’t be too careful can you? The banks like to keep some fake ones in circulation so that the public think there are crime rings everywhere. But there aren’t; it’s just the banks.”

Me: “Ah, I see… Well, you have a nice afternoon, sir.”

Man: “Thank you! And may all your wishes come true!”

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