Intelligence Abhors A Vacuum

| Adelaide, SA, Australia | Right | April 14, 2016

(It’s late in the afternoon and I’m preparing to close the store of the night. One of the tasks that must be completed in the last hour before closing is the vacuuming. As I’m doing this, a woman approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I just like vacuuming for kicks.”

(At this point the customer stops, clearly confused, and stares open-mouthed.)

Customer: “Really?”

Can’t Hold A Scented Candle To Your Knowledge Of History

| USA | Working | April 14, 2016

(I work in the backroom of our store, unpacking boxes of merchandise that come off the trucks. There are no customers, so all of us talk freely while we work. My coworker likes to ask me about myself, even though we have very different interests. It’s also important to note that, because of my schooling and hobbies, I’m not an expert on any given subject, but I tend to know a little bit about a lot of different things.)

Me: *in response to something* “It’s because no one teaches history these days. There are college kids who don’t even know who we fought in the Revolutionary War.”

Coworker: *looks at me nervously* “It was… Britain? Right?”

Me: *relieved* “Yes, the British Empire. And you know who won the Civil War, right?”

Coworker: “Uh, I know it wasn’t the Confederates.”

Me: “Right, the Union. The North.”

(On another day, while I’m reading a book during our lunch break.)

Coworker: “[My Name], did you just laugh?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Coworker: “What’s so funny in there?”

Me: “Uh, it’s hard to explain unless you know what’s going on. It’s a fantasy story, really involved. It’s a lot like Dungeons & Dragons.”

Coworker: “What’s Dungeons & Dragons?”

Me: “Oh. Um. It’s a tabletop game.” *I get a blank stare from her* “Look it up on your phone.”

Coworker: “Okay. How do you spell dungeon?”

Me: *off the top of my head* “D-U-N-G-E-O-N.”

(When we get back from lunch, she opens a box with candles in it.)

Coworker: “Pomello-scented. What’s a pomello?”

Me: “Oh, it’s a type of big citrus fruit, kind of like a grapefruit but sweeter.”

Coworker: “How do you know everything?!”

In Line And Out Of Line, Part 12

| WY, USA | Right | April 13, 2016

(At the store I cashier for, our lines come and go in these terrible spurts — we’ll have no one making purchases for half an hour, and then suddenly there are 20 people in line. Today that has just happened, and the customers all form one line because of the way some displays are set up near the registers. I have just called up the next person in line when a woman not in line, with an overflowing cart, comes out of nowhere and tries to cut off my customer. The customer looks at me completely bewildered and defeated.)

Me: *in my super-sweet voice to the offending customer* “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but the line is over there.”


(The customer I was intending to help and the rest of the line instantly looks furious, and just stares at me to see what I do.)

Me: “Ma’am, like I said, I’m sorry, but that is the line. We’ll have you out in no time if you just join it, please.”

(The lady walks off ranting but joins the line.)


(The customers clapped while my coworkers died laughing. I still ended up serving the line-cutter, and she wouldn’t even look at me.)


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Not Very Closed Minded, Part 15

| Australia | Right | April 13, 2016

(I work in a store in a large shopping mall. To lock up at night, tables of sale stock have to be shifted inside the store and large mesh doors have to be dragged across the entire store front and locked with two dead bolts. One night I’m closing the left hand door ten minutes later than usual when a customer rushes up to me out of breath.)

Customer: “Oh, good, you’re still open.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we’re just closing. Unless you know exactly what you want you’ll have to come back tomorrow.”

Customer: “No, it’s okay; she’s coming. Can you wait just ten seconds?”

(The customer immediately gets out his mobile phone to make a call. It becomes clear pretty quickly that he’s stalling me in order to give someone else extra time to walk to the store.)

Customer: *on phone* “Hello? Yeah, they’re still open; how far away are you?”

Customer: *to me* “Could you wait five minutes?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. The store is closing now.”

Customer: *on phone* “Yeah, yeah, hurry up. They’re closing.”

Me: “Sir, I can’t wait. I have to close the store now. I’m sorry. You’ll have to come back tomorrow.”

Customer: *to me, snapping* “I know! I know! Just hold on.”

(The customer then gets distracted by the phone call and steps away from the store entrance. He has his back turned, and is no longer listening to my warnings, so I close and lock the door behind him and walk away to count the registers. A couple of minutes later the front door rattles. I look up and the man I’d been speaking to and a woman — assumedly the one he’d been on the phone to — are standing outside the doors. She has several shopping bags in her hands.)

Customer: “Hello? Oi, are you going to let us in?”

(I ignore the man even as he continues to rattled the door, but he doesn’t give up. Eventually I have to approach the front of the shop.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the shop is closed now. You’ll have to come back another time.”

Customer: “Oi, let me in, though. You’re still there.”

Me: “Sir, as I said when you approached me before, the store is closed now. I’m going to have to ask you to step away from the store front.”

Customer #2: “He said you were still open! It’s only five forty five!”

(We closed at five thirty.)


Enough To Make You Hee-Haw

| Allentown, PA, USA | Related | April 12, 2016

(For Easter, my mom got my sisters and me each two cute little stuffed animals, one of mine being a donkey. My sister related this story to me that takes place when she and my mom were picking mine out.)

Mom: “Oh, and I know we definitely need to get [My Name] the donkey for sure!”

Sister: “Why the donkey?”

Mom: “Don’t you know why?”

Sister: “…Because she’s an a**?”

Mom: “What? No! Because she loves Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh!”

Sister: “Oh. Oh!”

(My sister was relieved to know that my mom didn’t actually think I was an a**.)

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