This Family Business Is A Joke

, | Calgary, AB, Canada | Bad Behavior, Funny Names, Theme Of The Month

(I work at a well known shoe store. We wear tags bearing the name of the store, but not our names. A customer comes in and looks at my tag.)

Customer: “So… your name’s Rockport?”

Me: “Yep, it’s a family name. My dad started the business, and he wants me to learn it from the ground up.”

Customer: “Really? That’s so admirable!”

(I gesture to a few coworkers wearing the same name tag.)

Me: “Yup, all the Rockport kids learn the business this way.”

Customer: “All of you? Wow!”

(I can’t quite believe she hasn’t caught on by this point, so I take pity.)

Me: “What can I help you find…?”

Going Gaga For Shoes

, | ACT, Australia | Bizarre, Crazy Requests

(A young woman comes bursting into the store, flustered. She runs around all the aisles, frantically, at least three times. I watch her and go to walk over to help her, but she beats me to it and runs straight up to me, panting, sweating, red-faced, and a look of stress in her face.)

Customer: “DO YOU HAVE LADY GAGA’S SHOES?! I NEED THEM!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t even know where you could even buy Lady Gaga’s shoes to start with. We don’t sell them here though…”

Customer: “UGH! Not good. Not good… I ABSOLUTELY NEED LADY GAGA’S SHOES RIGHT NOW!”

(She then bolted out the door, as if she was running from a pack of lions. The other customers and I just stood there for a moment to take in what just happened.)

The Joke Is Invisible To Him

| Adelaide, SA, Australia | Extra Stupid, Theme Of The Month

(After seeing a funny image online, I decided to replicate it in our store. I hung up an empty clothes hanger from our art smocks behind the counter with a large sign reading ‘Invisible Cloaks, half price!’ Two teenage customers come up to the counter.)

Customer #1: *excitedly* “Hey! Is that a real invisibility cloak?”

Customer #2: *sarcastic* “Yes, it is.”

Me: *grinning ear to ear* “Sure is!”

Customer #1: “Why’s it half price?”

Customer #2: *incredulously looks at [Customer #1]*

Me: “Well, it’s slightly damaged on the hem.” *holds up imaginary edge* “See?”

Customer #1: “No? Where?”

Customer #2: “Are you for real?!”

Me: *bursts out laughing*

Customer #1: “What?”

(We stand looking at him for a good 10 seconds as the cogs turn.)

Customer #1: “OH!”

Think Before You Ink

| ACT, Australia | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

Me: “Hi! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’m looking for plain black drawing ink. I want the best quality you have here.”

Me: “Wonderful! We have [Good Brand] here, and we have it in plain black as well. These are the most popular inks we sell as they are of such good quality. Are you working on a project?”

Customer: “Oh, well, kind of. I am going to give myself a tattoo tonight! This should do the trick.”

(Shocked, and thankful to myself that I asked, I suddenly stop putting my thoughts together as to what to say next and just blurt out the first thing that falls out of my mouth out of feeling the urgency of the situation.)

Me: “Yes, it should do the trick if you WANT TO DIE! THIS IS NOT TATTOO INK, MA’AM. It will KILL you, like DEAD, if you use it in your skin! Please DON’T use this for tattoos! It’s for art and craft projects only!”

Customer: *taken aback and gasps* “Oh, my gosh! I had no idea! I just thought ink was ink! So glad you asked. You saved my life! Thank you!”

(After explaining to her where she could look into purchasing tattoo ink and recommending she also look into the best tattoo artists in town, as well as carefully putting into less-stressed words about why you don’t use drawing inks for tattoos, she leaves, white as a ghost but very thankful.)

Coworker: “And that just happened… Lucky you asked what the ink was for!”

Some Employees Never Grow Up

| Seattle, WA, USA | Bad Behavior, Books & Reading, Funny Names, Theme Of The Month

(When employees forget their name tags we have temporary tags for them to write their name on and stick them to their shirts. One day I forget my tag, so I grab a temporary one and write ‘Smee’ as my name. I am called to assist an older couple with an issue at a register. After the issue is taken care of the conversation goes as follows:)

Wife: “Smee? What kind of name is that?”

Me: “Oh, it’s an old family name. Goes back many generations.”

Wife:  “Really? Is it European?”

Me:  “English, actually. It started with a famous relative.”

Wife:  “Oh, how famous?

(The husband turns away and suppresses a laugh and smile.)

Me: “Well I had a great, great, great, great, great uncle who sailed with a famous sea captain as his first mate.”

Wife:  “Really? What sea captain was that?”

Me:  “Oh, you know, Captain Hook!”

(The husband cracks up.)

Wife:  “Oh, my. Wait. Who?”

(At this point I got called away to another register. As I left the husband and the cashier were laughing and the wife was asking who Captain Hook is.)

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