Acting Like They Were Born In A Bearn

| Austin, TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, History, Language & Words

(I work at a renaissance festival, where the workers are required to be in character when interacting with patrons. Two women are looking around the shop while their two boys, about seven or so, are horsing around with wooden swords. Sometimes I play along with the kids, but they’re getting out of control.)

Little Boy #1: “DIE! I’m gonna get you! I’m gonna kill you!”

Little Boy #2: “Not if I kill you first! RAAAAAAAAAAH!”

(The moms look a little resigned to all this and don’t say anything, but now the boys are starting to trip and hit each other so I step in and yell to be heard over them.)

Me: “Squires! Please take the arts of war outside my shop. We are a peaceful establishment!”

(They stop dead and look at me, dumbfounded. Then they hastily scoot outside and begin whacking each other again.)

Mom: “Wow, can you follow us around all day? They haven’t listened to us once!”

Smelly Cat Lady, Smelly Cat Lady, What Are They Feeding You

| UK | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Bizarre, Health & Body

(It is a Tuesday late night, which everyone dreads, because of the infamous ‘Cat Lady’. She is a very lovely, quiet, but friendly lady but has one of the least pleasant aromas that I have ever experienced.)

Manager: *to Cat Lady* “Ma’am, I am just about to close. Please, can you go down to [My Name]’s checkout.”

(Cat Lady nods and smiles, and goes down my checkout. She places her few items on the conveyer belt and I can already start to smell her as she comes up to me.)

Me: *under my breath* “Oh my god, [Manager]. I can’t believe you did that!”

Manager: “Just wait, okay?”

(Cat Lady is about to reach me. Just as she does, my manager grabs a pot of fresh basil that had been left earlier that day and thrusts it into my face.)

Manager: “[My Name], smell this basil! It’s such a nice smell!

Cat Lady: “Wow, it’s so nice that you all appreciate the produce here!”

Wiggled Out Of That One

| West Chester, PA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre

(I am the stupid customer in this one. I have just bought a wig from a friend for a costume I am working on and am wearing it to break it in and get used to the feel. I am also wearing contacts, but keep my glasses in my pocket in case the contacts begin to irritate me. I go to a local corner store for a pack of cigarettes.)

Cashier: “May I see your ID?”

Me: (*gives ID*)

Cashier: “…um. Sir, this isn’t you.”

Me: “What do you mean it’s– Oh, s***. One moment.”

(I remove the wig and put on my glasses.)

Me: “Better?”

Cashier: (*confused*) “I, um… Sure, that’s a match.”

Cut This One Down To Size

| Auckland, New Zealand | Extra Stupid, Language & Words

(I work in a clothing store with the basic sizes, S, M, and L.)

Me: “Can I help you with anything today?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m wanting a plain top for my dad in ‘men’s.'”

Me: “Certainly. What size were you looking for?”

Customer: “Men’s.”

Me: “Um, what size?”

Customer: “Men’s!”

Me: “Were you looking for a medium, by any chance?”

Customer: “MEN’S! MEN’S! WHY DO I HAVE TO REPEAT MYSELF!?”

(I head out the back and grab a medium anyway.)

Me: “We have a ‘M’ here for you.”

Customer: “SEE! That wasn’t so hard was it!?”

Needs To Go Back To Square One

| Rochester, NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Home Improvement, Math & Science

Customer: “I’m looking for a square tablecloth. I need 52 by 52, but it doesn’t fit.”

Me: “Hmm, well what’s the size of the table?”

Customer: “Well, it’s 52 by 104.”

Me: “So you’re looking for an oblong tablecloth?”

Customer: “I could have sworn it was a square.”

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