Like most tech-adjacent companies, we got hit hard with supply chain issues during the global health crisis. Thankfully, most things are running smoothly by now, but a few product lines are still playing catch-up. Most folks are understanding, especially since the website will give rough ETAs of “less than one week” or “two to four weeks”, etc.

Some people don’t read, though; we get an order in that’s marked “MUST SHIP TODAY FOR TUESDAY DELIVERY.” It is in fact Monday, and they DID pick overnight, but the order is out of stock. It’s my turn, so I call the customer up.

Me: “Hi, I’m calling about order [number] that you placed on our site?”

Customer: “Yes, we really urgently need that.”

Me: “I understand. Unfortunately, the product is out of stock; we won’t be getting them in until Thursday.”

Customer: “That’s fine. Just make sure it ships today.”

Me: “…I’m sorry, sir, we’re not able to ship today. It is not in stock.”

Customer: “Well, I need this tomorrow.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir, but the earliest we can get this to you is Friday.”

Customer: “You need to get this to me tomorrow.”

Me: “I can’t. It is currently in transit to us.”

Customer: “Then have them deliver it!”

Me: “‘Them’ who, sir?”

Customer: “Whoever’s transiting!”

Me: “Sir, you ordered one [specific battery]. What is being shipped to us is an entire pallet of about 2,000; we can’t have a freight truck divert to a completely different state to let you take out one case and then one product from that case.”

Customer: “Then what am I supposed to do?”

Me: “Either wait until Thursday for Friday delivery or find another company that has it in stock.”

Customer: “Can you ship it Friday to arrive on Tuesday?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, the ‘time travel’ ship method has been discontinued.”

I probably shouldn’t have said that part, but my manager sits at the desk next to mine and started laughing her head off, so I got away with it. And yes, the customer waited until Friday.

I have just finished walking a customer who’s clearly not very tech-savvy through how to add items to their cart on our website, how to add their address, how to add a payment method, etc.

Caller: “Okay, now, I need to get approval from the big boss before I can place this order. How do I save it? Do I hit this big button on the bottom here?”

Me: “If you mean the ‘Submit Order’ button, no, do not click that, as it will place your order. The site actually automatically saves your cart, so you can access it in your history up at the top whenever you’re ready to order.”

Caller: “Got it, sure, okay.” *Slight pause* “I just hit that button, and now it says I placed the order! But you said that should have just saved it, right?”

Me: *Sighs inwardly* “Can you read me the confirmation number, please?”

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Several years ago, I had a business sewing custom curtains. I was at my customer’s home hanging up the curtains. I had done curtains for every room in her home.

Customer: “I’m so very pleased with your work. Please make me a slipcover for my couch?”

Now, as much as I love to sew, I hate making slipcovers.

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that job, but I can give you the name of someone who makes gorgeous slipcovers.”

Customer: “No, I insist that it be you. I won’t take no for an answer.”

She had been a difficult customer, so I quoted her an outrageous price.

Me: “Okay, I will do it for $5,000.”

Customer: “That price is ridiculous.”

Me: “I agree, but since I am going to hire the other person to create the slipcover anyway, I think it’s fair.”

I never heard from her again.

I have just put turned the sign on the door of our small shop to “Closed”. A customer comes up to the door as I am doing this and appears shocked that the door is locked.

Me: *Pointing to the closed sign* “Sorry, sir, we just closed.”

Customer: “Why the f*** have you closed?!”

Me: “Because I want to go the f*** home!”

Customer: “You can’t talk to me like that!”

I point to the sign just above the “Closed” sign:

Sign: “Please note: staff members have permission to talk to customers in the same manner that customers talk to them.”

Customer: “Well, f***.”

Me: “F***, indeed.”

The customer opened his mouth to say something but then thought better of it and wandered off.

This story is part of our Editors’-Favorite-Stories-Of-2023-(so far!) roundup!

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I’m thirty and my manager is thirty-six. We have to conduct an inspection where we flip off the main power supply to make sure all the emergency lights in the store work.

We go into the electrical room, and there are several panels, each with a rather impressive-looking Main Switch.

I can’t resist.

Me: “Pull the lever, Kronk!”

Manager: “…what?”

Me: “You don’t know what that is? “

Manager: “No.”

Me: “The Emperor’s New Groove. Boo.”

Manager: “Never seen it.”

A moment later, she pulls the switch and nothing happens.

Me: “Wrong… lever.”