The King Of Weird

| AR, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Theme Of The Month

(It’s close to the end of my shift and the store is near empty. I am so happy to have a customer. I greet the man who walks up with a broad smile and an energetic hello.)

Customer: “Well, hello there, cashier girl.”

Me: “Oh, hello! Did you find everything okay? It’s a beautiful night out, isn’t it?”

Customer: “Yes, but it would be more beautiful if you were in it.”

Me: *weird giggle*

Customer: *puffs out chest and leans on my counter* “You deserve a man that will treat you like a princess.”

Me: *seeing where this is going and needing to avoid it at all costs* “I’d rather be treated as an equal.”

Customer: “So, do you have a man that treats you like the princess you are?”

(I look this man up and down. He is clearly on drugs, about 55 years old, and wearing a cut off shirt and short shorts that do not cover his butt-crack or his legs.)

Me: “Yes, I have a man. And he treats me how I feel I deserve to be treated.”

Customer: “Hmmm, well, yes. But you deserve to be treated like a princess.” *tears the corner of his check I have handed back to him* “Take this. When you need to be pampered like the royalty you are, you can give me a call, sugar.”

(The man walks off with his cart, shaking his butt and singing some random song.)

Asking Ballsy Questions

| Roseville, CA, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

Female Customer: “I’d like to return these men’s underwear.”

Return Counter Clerk: “That’s fine. Was there something wrong with them?”

Female Customer: *with a totally straight face* “My husband says his balls keep falling out of them.”

(No further questions!)

Stripped Of His Confidence

| USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

(This conversation occurred between me and a customer buying shoes for a wedding. I’m a tall girl and rather busty.)

Me: *after ringing up shoes and going through usual questions* “Okay, that will be [total].”

Customer: “Just a second.” *pulls out wallet, digs in pockets, and locates two extra bills in another pocket* “Hey, I found extra money. That’s great!”

Me: “Oh, yeah, I always love finding extra money at the bottom of my purse.”

Customer: “Oh, from your job as a stripper?”

(At this he freezes and his whole face is overcome with a look of absolute horror at what he’s just said. His tone isn’t insulting and in fact I got the distinct impression he must have a lot of female friends he casually jokes with without thinking. I’m standing there struggling between laughter and insult and settle on laughter as I’ve had a good day and he just looks like he feels really bad.)

Customer: “Oh, my god, I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to imply—”

Me: “It’s fine. It’s flattering to think I look good enough to be a stripper.” *poses*

(The customer laughed though clearly still felt bad, He paid and left with his shoes. Another coworker walked over, having heard the exchange, and we stared at each other a moment before we burst out laughing.)

A Significant Flight Risk

| Honolulu, HI, USA | At The Checkout, Love/Romance, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month, Transportation

(I work in a very touristy part of town and we have a lot of flight attendants who stop through the store. I see a guy and help him at the computer. This guy is close to 60.)

Me: “So you just click here and it should be good.”

Customer: “Oh, thank you. Say, where are you from?”

Me: “The Philippines.”

Customer: “Oh, my friend met his wife there. He basically waited outside of the college she was attending everyday and finally convinced him to go out with her. She eventually said yes. I’ve been there a few times since I’m a flight attendant. Beautiful women you know.”

Me: “That’s nice. I’m gonna go help out some other people. Ask me if you have other questions.”

(I loop around a couple more times around the store answering questions. He flags me down.)

Customer: “Marry me and you’ll fly for free.”

Me: “Ha ha. That’s the same line my friend’s dad used 30 years ago on his wife.”

Customer: “Well, it’s a good line.”

Me: “I think I’ll pass, but thank you anyway.”

(I loop around the store again, and start demonstrating a product features. I see him lingering in the back waiting for me to finish.)

Customer: “Thank you for helping me out tonight. You’re really sweet. Here’s my card.”

Me: “Uh. Thanks.”

(The card said, “You’re really charming and here’s my number. Let’s meet for drinks after work.” I never called, but he came back a few weeks later asking for help with his phone from my coworker. His phone background was a picture of some woman’s breasts. Gross.)

Requires Protection From Customers

| Watseka, IL, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

(The store has just opened, and the first customer in the store is a very elderly gentleman in an electric wheelchair. He approaches me in the hardware department.)

Me: “Good morning, sir. Can I help you find anything?”

Customer: *after long pause* “… I need screws.”

Me: “Okay, the screws are right here behind me. What size do you need?”

Customer: *points* “Hand me that box.”

(I hand him the box, and he opens it and removes one screw.)

Customer: “Now… I need protection for my screw. Where would I get that?”

Me: “Well, the nuts and washers are all right here.”

Customer: “No…” *doing air quotes with his fingers* “‘PROTECTION,’ for my ‘SCREWS.'”

Me: “I don’t follow you, sir…”

Customer: *talking under his breath* “… rubbers.”

Me: “Rubbers?”

Customer: *yelling* “CONDOMS, OK?! I NEED CONDOMS!”

Me: “Sir, this is a farm supply store… We don’t sell those.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.” *hands me back the screws* “Put these back, I don’t need them.”

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