Cutely Snaking Along

| San Luis Obispo, CA, USA | Working | November 4, 2015

(I am a female receptionist at a flooring showroom. It’s been very hot lately and our showroom is pleasantly air conditioned. I get up from the reception desk to look through the double glass doors into the parking lot as a customer leaves. The door is slowly closing when I notice a three-foot California kingsnake is halfway into the office, inches from my sandaled toes. I notice the snake is coming through the tiny gap between the hinged side of metal door and the wall, and the slowly closing door is starting to squish it. I rush over and HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR THE SNAKE.)

Me: *half-hearted, almost embarrassed scream, because I was surprised… then just trying to get someone’s attention* “…Ahhh?”

Snake: *slithers under waiting area seats and chills out*

Me: *stares in stunned silence for a moment* “[Manager]?”

Manager: *from other side of store* “What?”

Me: “A snake just came in.”

Manager: “WHAT?!” *runs over and then lets out a legit scream, staying yards away with two desks between her and the snake* “OH, MY GOD! HOW DID IT GET IN?!”

Me: “A customer walked out the door, and it was slowly closing and then it was coming through and almost got stuck so I held the door open for it…”

Manager: “YOU HELD THE DOOR OPEN?”

Me: “I didn’t want it to get hurt! It’s cute!”

Manager: “Cute?! What do we do? Stay away from it! It might be poisonous!”

Me: “It’s just a kingsnake… um… I guess, get the warehouse manager?”

(She fetches the warehouse manager, who I only suggested because he does the most physical labor. They both come back in.)

Warehouse Manager: *takes one look at the snake* “NOPE.”

(Meanwhile, I’m crouched about three yards away from the snake, making cooing noises, and complimenting it like it’s a puppy. It still hasn’t moved from the waiting area.)

Me: “Aren’t you a beautiful snake? Yes, you are. So pretty! I guess we should call Animal Control?”

Manager: “Yes. I don’t want you touching it.”

(I get up to go to my desk, right next to the waiting snake.)

Manager: “What are you doing? I don’t want you to get stuck back there!”

Me: *sits down and calls Animal Control, then gets back up to watch the snake with fascination, with coworkers muttering how weird I am for liking snakes*

Warehouse Manager: “I texted [Salesperson] a photo of the snake and she says she isn’t coming back from lunch. She is never coming back.”

Me: “C’mon, it’s just a snake!”

Warehouse Manager: “How can you think that’s cute?”

(The Animal Control officer, a woman barely reaching 5’0″, comes in with a bucket and a hook on a long stick.)

Officer: “Oh, my god, it’s so cute!”

Me: “SEE? I’m not the only one!”

(The snake was safely removed and released. The salesperson eventually came back, but was close to tears at the mere idea there was a snake in the building.)

Salesperson: “What was it even doing in here?”

Me: “Maybe he wanted to check out our carpet samples!”

1 Thumbs
1,049
VOTES

The Strife Of A Housewife

| USA | Right | November 3, 2015

(I’m a customer shopping for fridges. I find one I like and go to find an employee to purchase the fridge. The only employee who handles fridges is talking to another customer.)

Customer: “So, this fridge… keeps things… cold?” *he asks very skeptical*

Employee: “Yes, sir, the general point of all fridges are to keep things cold.”

Customer: “No. My wife and I used to have a fridge that cooks things.”

(Not only is the employee just stunned by this statement, but everyone around who hears this pulls a face.)

Employee: “A fridge… that cooks things?”

Customer: “Yes, you put stuff like vegetables, milk, and chicken in it. And when you take the chicken or vegetables out they’re all cooked.”

Employee: “So they’re all cooked and ready to eat right now?”

Customer: “No! What do you think I’m dumb or something?”

Employee: “No, I’m just trying to find the particular item you’re looking for… So, you put in raw chicken and veggies and it cooks them automatically?”

Customer: “Yes. Put them in raw, and then they come out cooked.” *explains as if the employee is slow*

Employee: “Does it cook the milk as well?”

Customer: “NO! That would be dumb. It would just spoil instantly. It just keeps the drinks cool.”

Employee: “Hmmm, I can’t seem to think of the item you’re looking for. Let me get someone a bit more knowledgeable.”

(Hearing this, I come to realize that apparently there are other employees I could ask for help, but at this point I’m really curious as to what this man is talking about. The employee shortly returns with an older employee.)

Old Employee: “So you put in raw food and it comes out cooked right?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Old Employee: “Okay… and when you put in drinks or milk it keeps them cold right?”

Customer: “Yes.” *looks at younger employee* “See, he clearly knows what I’m talking about.”

Old Employee: “So, out of curiosity, when your wife takes out the cooked food… did you by chance re-heat it?”

Customer: “Well, duh…”

Old Employee: “Duh what, sir?”

Customer: “Of course she had to heat it up. The fridge kept it cold like it was suppose too. DUH!”

(It is at this moment where the customer’s wife has come to re-join her husband after looking at other appliances.)

Customer’s Wife: “So, did you have any luck finding a new fridge, hun?”

Customer: “No… I tried to find one that cooks like our old one but they don’t have it.”

Customer’s Wife: “A fridge that… cooks?”

Customer: “Yeah, just like our old one. You know, you put the chicken in raw and you take it back out later before dinner and it’s all cooked. Just like last night.”

Customer’s Wife: “Hunny… I cooked that chicken and put it back in the fridge. Fridges don’t cook food. They just keep them cold.”

Customer: *turns beet red in embarrassment as he finally realizes just how stupid of a moment he had* “Um, I think it’s time to leave.”

(The husband left in a hurried walk, with his wife in tow saying, ‘But what about the fridge, Hunny? What about the fridge?’)

1 Thumbs
1,837
VOTES

Very Green With The Green Fingers

| Leeds, England, UK | Right | November 3, 2015

(I work in a garden centre for a major DIY retailer.)

Customer: *in a posh accent* “Excuse me, do you sell reverse osmosis water…”

Me: “N—”

Customer: “Or distilled water?”

Me: “No, sorry, we don’t. What do you want it for?”

Customer: “Well, I have a house plant and I have read that they do not like tap water.”

Me: “That’s right; they prefer rain water. You could just harvest that.”

Customer: “How would I do that?!”

Me: *stifling a face/palm* “Well… we have water butts over there, buckets on aisle [number], or you could even use one of those pots you’re holding in your hand.”

Customer: “Oh, great, can you direct me to the compost for my house plant?”

Me: “Of course, come this way… What kind of house plant do you have?”

Customer: “One with lots of leaves.”

Pimp My Joke, Part 2

| PA, USA | Romantic | November 3, 2015

(We are at a store, and the cashier forgets to ring up a bag of cookies.)

Me: “I’ll pay for it.”

Boyfriend: “No, I have cash.”

(He pulls out a ten dollar bill and gives it to the cashier.)

Me: “Can I have any dollar bills from that for the bus?”

Boyfriend: “You can have all of the change.”

(He hands me a five dollar bill and a one dollar bill.)

Me: “Awww, thanks!”

(A pause.)

Boyfriend: *running out the door* “I have to pay you somehow!”

(The cashier looks at me with a very amused and bewildered look.)

Me: “…I’m going to kill him when we get home.”

Related:
Pimp My Joke

The Wrong Supermarket For Super Hackers

| Saranac Lake, NY, USA | Right | November 2, 2015

(It is the early 1990s. It is my last week of work at the only department store in town and we are just rolling out the first UPC scanners in the store. This is new technology at the time and understandably sometimes things scanned wrong. After a third item rings up at the incorrect price:)

Customer: “You are making things ring up wrong on purpose just so you can pocket the extra money!”

Me: “Believe me, lady, if I knew how to hack the computer system here to change the prices I wouldn’t be working here!”

Page 172/770First...170171172173174...Last