Me: “Sir, would you like to use any coupons today?”

Customer: “Yes, I’ve been saving them. Here you go!”

(He hands me a coupon that had expired five years previously.)

Me: “Sir, your coupon is expired.”

Customer: “WHAT?! What do you mean it’s expired? You f***ing b****, you’re just trying to steal my f***ing money! You’re trying to rob me! You and this f***ing company are trying to steal my f***ing money!”

(The customer attempts to climb over the counter and attack me. Thankfully, my manager intercepts him.)

Manager: “Sir, I need you to come with me.”

(My manager hauls the customer off counter by the back of his collar and drags him outside. Ten minutes pass, and he comes back in hauling a very disheveled customer by the shirt.)

Customer: “Your manager told me that I need to apologize to you. I’m sorry for yelling.”

Manager: “Now, apologize for cursing at her.”

Customer: “I’m sorry for cursing at you.”

Manager: “Now, what’s our policy on expired coupons?”

Customer: “You don’t accept them.”

Manager: *to me* “Is he forgiven, or would you like to have him arrested?”

Me: “No, it’s okay. ”

Manager: *to customer* “Now get out, and don’t come back.” *throws customer out*

This story is part of the Awesome Manager roundup!

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(We often get fashion design students in our store to get samples of fabric for school projects.)

Student: “Can I get some swatches? I go to the [fashion school] and need them for a class project.”

Me: “No problem. That’s the school I went to.”

Student: “Oh, cool! What do you do now?”

Me: “… I work here.”

Student: *their dreams crush before my eyes*

Customer: “Hi, I wanted to return this set of knives and your cashier wouldn’t let me.”

Me: “When was the original date of purchase, ma’am?”

(She hands me a receipt.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry ma’am. Since you bought these over 60 days ago, we won’t be able to refund your money.”

Customer: “But I don’t want them anymore. Just take them back and give me my money.”

Me: “I’m not able to do that, ma’am.”

Customer: “But I don’t want the god-d*** knives! Take them!”

Me: “Ma’am, it is not in my power to do a return for you.”

Customer: “Well, then get someone who can, god-d*** it!”

Me: “Ma’am, you don’t understand. After 60 days, the system locks out the transaction. It is in nobody’s power to refund you.”

Customer: “You god-d*** incompetent pieces of s***! I don’t want these f****** knives, and I want you to take them back now!”

Me: “There is nothing I can do to help you, ma’am.”

Customer: “It’s because of f****** fascists like you that we’re at war in Iraq! Do you realize that? THIS IS YOUR FAULT!”

Customer: “Hi. I’m coming from the intersection at [Street #1] and [Street #2]. How would I get to your store from here?”

(I give the guy directions. I can tell he’s tuned me out after the first street or two. He then cuts me off before I finish.)

Customer: “Good, good! I got it. Thanks!” *hangs up*

(The phone rings again five minutes later.)

Customer: “Hi! I just called you a few minutes ago, asking for directions.”

Me: “I remember.”

Customer: “Yeah… I took that turn on [Exit] like you said. Then I got lost again. I’m at [Street #3] and [Street #4] now.”

Me: “Okay…” *gives him directions again*

Customer: “Okay! I got it this time. Thanks!” *hangs up*

(Phone rings again five minutes later.)

Me: “Hi again. Where are you now?”

Customer: *laughs* “I’m at [Street #5] and [Street #6].”

Me: “Okay. You’re almost here. Turn on [Street #7] and go straight until you see a gas station. We’re in the strip mall a little after it.”

Customer: “Okay!” *hangs up*

(Phone rings again five minutes later.)

Customer: “It’s me again! I’m at the gas station. I don’t see your store.”

Me: “We’re in the strip mall after the gas station, it’s down the road a little bit.”

Customer: “Oh! I see it. Okay, I’ll be right there.” *hangs up*

(Phone rings again five minutes later.)

Customer: “I’m in the strip mall now… and I don’t see your store. I’m gonna feel SO stupid if I’m in the wrong strip mall.”

Me: “At this point, I’m not even sure you’re in the right state.”

Customer: *laughs*

Me: “Okay. Do you see a donut shop?”

Customer: “Yes! I see a donut shop!”

Me: “Good. Drive to the donut shop. Now, do you see a cell phone store?”

Customer: “Yes! It’s next to the donut shop.”

Me: “Good. Drive to the cell phone shop. Now drive a little past that. Do you see the girl in the next store who’s on the phone and waving at you?”

Customer: “Yeah! Is that you?”

Me: “Yeah. Come on in…”

(A customer was trying on a shorty wetsuit.)

Customer: “It seems to fit okay, but the zip is a little high. It would irritate under my chin.”

Me: “Yes. I can see what you mean, but if you put the suit on the right way round, you won’t have that problem.”

Customer: “…”

Me: *To Coworker* “Remind me to never dive with that guy.”