(It’s very busy at the grocery store, so I hop on cash and take the first customer who walks by. Another customer in the lane behind me grabs my arm and wrenches me around so I am facing her.)

Customer: “Excuse me, did you just open that cash to serve that customer?”

Me: “Yes, it’s very busy right now.”

Customer: “Idiot! When you open a cash you take the first customer in the other line, not the last!”

(Keep in mind this customer has already unloaded her items in a different lane.)

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am… As you can see, it’s very busy right now and I just took the first customer I saw.”

Customer: “Well! That’s very poor customer service!”

(She grabs my arm and physically turns me around so I’m facing my original customer again. I continue with their order.)

Customer: “No! I’m not done!”

(She grabs my arm again and turns me around to face her.)

Customer: “What is your name?! I’m going to talk to your manager! Call him down here now!”

Me: “I’ll call the duty manager right away.”

Customer: “No! I want the STORE Manager! Call him down here now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but he’s gone home for the evening.”

Customer: “Fine! I’m coming back here at 9:00 tomorrow morning, and I expect you to be here too so we can meet with your manager about your terrible customer service!”

Me: “Okay! You’ll be here at 9? How about we meet at the police station at 10, and we can meet with them about the bruises you just gave me?” *rolls up sleeve to show the red marks*

Customer: “I… uh…”

(She grabbed my arm one last time and turned me back to my cash. I finished her order and she rushed out of the store.)

(One evening, an elderly Irish woman, complete with white hair, a cane, and a heavy accent, comes up to the photo counter to pick up some pictures she dropped off earlier.)

Customer: “I would like to have a discount on these photos I just printed. Can you give me five of the 20 for free?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we really can’t do that.”

Customer: “I’ll give you some perks.”

Me: “Perks?”

Customer: “Percs. You know… percs.”

(Customer reaches out to shake my hand and places three pills in it.)

Customer: “Those are good percs, I know you’ll like them!”

Customer: “This phone doesn’t hang on the wall right. The handle keeps falling off.”

(Knowing exactly what’s wrong, I fix the phone on the spot. It’s a simple fix.)

Customer: “How did you do that?”

Me: “I turned this little tab around so the handle catches on it.”

Customer: “How did you know that?”

Me: “Didn’t the instructions tell you how?”

Customer: *snorts* “I don’t have time to read the instructions!”

Manager: “May I help you?”

Customer: “I would like to return these wind chimes. They don’t work.”

Manager: “Okay, are they broken?”

Customer: “No, they just don’t work.”

Manager: “Well, where did you hang them?”

Customer: “On my back porch.”

Manager: “They should work just fine there.”

Customer: “They don’t… My husband and I sit on the porch and no there is no sound from the chimes!”

Manager: “Is your porch screened in? That could reduce the wind.”

Customer: “No, it’s glassed in.”

Manager: *pause* “I believe I know what the problem is.”

Customer: “Can you fix it?”

Manager: “No, but I can sell you a fan!”

(After helping a middle-aged man find many CDs…)

Customer: “Thank you… what’s your name?”

Me: “Ryland.”

Customer: “Thank you for your help, Ryan!”

Me: “No, no. My name is Ryland.”

Customer: “Ryland? What the h*** kind of name is that? You better watch out, you’re going to get attacked one day!”