Balls To The Walls Crazy

| Halifax, NS, Canada | Right | July 1, 2016

(I work for a luxury furniture company that has recently featured giant faux-fur covered pilates balls. A woman in her mid-forties runs into the store with a clearly abnormal level of excitement about the product.)

Woman: “I just came in to touch your balls. Oh! They’re so soft, I could just sit on them naked. They look like dirty snowballs. I want a dirty snowball so bad.”

That’s Some Very Explicit Baggage

| Cape Town, South Africa | Right | July 1, 2016

(I work as a cashier at a well-known chain of pharmacies where “You Pay Less.” A woman approaches my till and sets her items down to be scanned. I start reciting the script as we are trained. Note that it is law to charge for the government-regulated plastic bags.)

Me: “Good day and welcome to [Store]. Do you have a [Loyalty Card?]”

Customer: *flings the card at me wordlessly*

Me: “Thank you.” *scans items* “Your total is [total]. Would you like a plastic bag?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “A medium bag will be [a few cents].”

Customer: “What?! This is a scam! They are bending us over and ramming us deep!”

Me: “…”

Customer: *loudly* “I’m telling you, it’s not much but it adds up. I must have spent HUNDREDS on bags in my lifetime! Hundreds to line the pockets of some GREEDY FAT CAT WHO JUST WANTS TO BEND ME OVER AND RAM ME HARD!”

Me: “So… would you like a bag?”

Customer: “I don’t want to be someone’s little b****! I’m not going to let them bend ME over!” *grabs her purchases and hurries from the store, muttering to herself about being ‘bent over and rammed’*

(The other customers in the line all cracked up.)

One Adopted Every Minute

| USA | Right | June 30, 2016

(I’m a male cashier at a hardware store. A male customer in his 20s approaches me.)

Customer: “Hey! Some lady is messin’ around in the aisle over there!”

(I can see from the counter that the woman he’s talking about is one of my coworkers, a valued employee.)

Me: “Actually, sir, she works here.”

Customer: “The hell she does! Women don’t know shit about this stuff! She’s a useless employee and you wasted your money hiring her. I went up to her and asked if y’all carried square-handled double monkey wrenches, and she told me this store doesn’t carry those!”

Me: “That’s… not a real thing, sir. Those don’t exist.”

Customer: “Yeah, but that dumb b**** didn’t say that when I asked her! Women are f****** useless.”

Me: *getting angry* “A woman gave birth to you. Do you think that’s worthless?”

Customer: “No, actually, she didn’t! I wasn’t born! I’m adopted!”

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Getting Very Emojional About It

| CT, USA | Right | June 29, 2016

(I’m a employee at an Apple store. I overhear a coworker and a black customer in his 20s speaking.)

Customer: “You are all racists. Y’all have no respect.”

Coworker: “I’m very sorry you’ve had a negative experience, sir. What leads you to say that?”

Customer: “I got my phone a week ago and it’s a racist piece of s***.” *looks around and notices that there’s a couple with a kid nearby* “Excuse my language, I don’t mean to make a scene. I’m just a little PO’d.”

Coworker: “May I ask what’s wrong with the phone?”

Customer: “Look! It doesn’t have black people!”

(He gets out his phone and taps to the emoji keyboard.)

Customer: “They got Chinese, Middle Eastern, even Russian! But there ain’t any black emoji people!”

Coworker: “Yeah, I see what you mean… I completely understand why you’d be upset. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s anything we can do at this time.”

Customer: “Can’t y’all draw one and put it on the phone?”

Coworker: “Um… I don’t think that’s possible. Sorry, sir.”

Customer: “All right, sorry to bug you. Just thought it should come to y’all’s attention.”

(He made a good point!)

You Crack Me Up

| UT, USA | Working | June 29, 2016

(I’m fairly conservative in my behavior; I don’t drink or smoke, I generally stick to the speed limit, that sort of thing. One day, as I was leaving work in the late afternoon, I passed my supervisor and my manager on the way out.)

Supervisor: “Headed home, [My Name]?”

Me: “Yep.”

Manager: “No way. I know you, [My Name]. You’re going to go cruise Main Street for a hooker.”

Supervisor: *playing along* “Yeah, he’s probably gonna go smoke some crack, too, right?”

Me: “Well, if by ‘cruise Main for a hooker’ you mean ‘drive defensively back to my apartment,’ and if by ‘smoke some crack’ you mean ‘eat some of the chocolate chip cookies my wife was baking this morning,’ then, yes, I’m going to go cruise Main and smoke crack.”

(Supervisor laughs.)

Manager: “…Well played.”

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