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Thank You For Calling Webster’s

, | Right | March 8, 2008

(I work in a company that sells landscaping materials. You know… rock, dirt, compost, etc. This is a phone conversation I had.)

Me: “Hello, [Company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, I had a question about compost.”

Me: “We have two kinds. Mushroom compost and chicken compost.”

Customer: “Well, I want to know what is compost.”

Me: “The mushroom compost is a mixture of horse manure, peat moss, gypsum, oyster-shell lime, straw, and composted rice hulls. The chicken–” *customer cuts me off*

Customer: “No, I mean…what is compost?”

Me: “Decomposing organic matter?”

Customer: “I see… What do you mean by ‘decomposing organic matter’?”

Me: *wondering if this is a prank call by now* “As in organic matter that is breaking down in a natural process…”

Customer: “What is ‘organic’?”

Me: “Okay. What do you think happens when you throw your coffee grounds, apple cores, and other scraps into a huge pile with animal manure?”

Customer: “…it starts to stink.”

Me: “Because it’s decomposing.”

Customer: “…but what is ‘decomposing’?”

Me: “It’s rotting.”

Customer: “…and we put this in our gardens?”

Me: “Ironic, isn’t it?”

Customer: “Okay, so what do you mean by ‘matter’?”

(I’m sure you can all figure out how this conversation went at this point. Twenty minutes of my life I will never have back.)


This story is part of our Houseplant roundup!

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Caught Red-Handed, Part 2

, , | Right | March 8, 2008

(This is why it’s good to check inside the box when someone returns something.)

Me: “Okay, sir, what’s wrong with the XBox 360?”

Customer: “Oh, it just doesn’t work.”

Me: “Okay.”

(Policy indicates that I have to open it up. I look inside and there is a Sega Saturn with a couple of old stereo parts.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, this isn’t what supposed to be inside here.”

Customer: *fumbling for words* “Oh… oh… uh… that isn’t it. I have the real one at home. I’ll just get it…”

(The customer picked up the box and walked away, never to be seen again. All the while, I sat back laughing.)


This story is part of the Lying-Customers-Getting-Caught roundup!

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Next Time, Just Smile And Nod

, , , | Right | March 7, 2008

Customer #1: “We would like to exchange these items.”

(They hand over an unopened video game controller and sealed games.)

Me: “Do you have your receipt?”

Customer #1: “No, we just want to do an exchange!”

Me: “I am unable to do a return without a receipt verifying you purchased your items at this store.”

Customer #2: “We don’t want to do a return; we want to do an exchange!”

(Our store also buys used video games and accessories so I think maybe that is what they’re trying to do)

Me: “Without a receipt, the only thing I can do is buy these from you, but you won’t get the full retail price. Is that what you’re trying to do?”

Customer #1: “NO! I want to do an exchange!”

Me: “Then I’ll need a receipt.”

(The customer sits there for a minute and finally produces a receipt.)

Me: “Thank you. I’m going to return these items and when you find what you want in the store, just bring it up to the counter.”

Customer #2: “WE CAN’T DO A RETURN, IT HAS TO BE AN EXCHANGE! IT CAN’T GO BACK ON THE CREDIT CARD!”

Me: “Just go and pick out the items you want and if there is money left over we’ll give you a store credit.”

Customer #2: “BUT IT CAN’T GO ON THE CREDIT CARD! YOU CAN’T RETURN THE ITEMS!”

Me: “We have to return them to keep our inventory up to date.”

Customer #1: “WE JUST SAID WE CAN’T RETURN THEM! WE NEED TO EXCHANGE THEM!”

Me: “I’m trying to explain to you that it is a corporate policy to return items, not exchange them, but that does not mean the money goes on your credit card. We can give you store credit.”

Customer #1: “So you guys are somehow different from every other store on the planet? Every other store does exchanges but not you.”

Customer #2: “IT CAN’T GO ON THE CREDIT CARD.”

Me: “Listen, you are over-thinking this–”

Customer #1: *cutting me off* “MAYBE YOU ARE UNDER-THINKING THIS! I TOLD YOU I WANT TO DO AN EXCHANGE. I’M GOING TO THE STORE I BOUGHT THIS FROM! THEY’LL DO AN EXCHANGE!”

Me: “You can take these items to any [Store] you want. We all have the same policy.”

Customer #2: “NO, YOU’RE JUST STUPID!”

(They left the store, Half an hour later, I got a call from the store down the street laughing and thanking me for sending over such *lovely* customers.)

Full Of Sh*t, In So Many Ways

, , | Right | March 7, 2008

(Note: our bathrooms decided to back up and so we had to lock them.)

Customer: “Can you unlock the bathroom?”

Me: “Sorry, they are out of order.”

Customer: “What do you mean!? I need to go!”

Me: “The bagel shop next door has a bathroom that they’ll be glad to let you use.”

Customer: “There used to be a day when the customer was always right!” *storms off*

Pointless Obstinance

, , | Right | March 6, 2008

Me: “Good Evening, [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I just told you how you can help me!”

Me: “No, sir, you were speaking to someone in admin; they put your call through to me. If you could repeat your query I’ll be happy to help.”

Caller: “But I just told you what I wanted. I’m not repeating myself!”

Me: “Then I’m sorry, I can’t help you then.”

Caller: “Fine!” *hangs up*