(A male customer approaches me, holding a package of men’s underwear.)

Customer: “Ma’am, can I ask you to do something that is probably outside your job description?”

Me: “What is it?”

(He puts the package down and sticks his hands in the back of his pants.)

Customer: “Okay, I need a new pair of underwear. I don’t know what size I wear, and I can’t read the tag.”

Me: “You can go in one of the men’s fitting rooms and check.”

Customer: “D*** it!”

(The customer is attempting to use the touch screen credit card machine, but the attached pen is not working.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, the pen is not working right now. It’s a touch screen, so just use the pad of your finger.”

Customer: “What? What the heck is a ‘patio finger’?”

Me: “Pad. Of. Your. Finger.”

Customer: “Oh! I thought it was some kind of young people slang.”

(My mom and I are shopping at a popular clothing store and are in the process of checking out at the cashier. Our cashier couldn’t have been nicer and is extremely attentive.)

Cashier: “Okay! Let me just run your card—”

(Just then, a coworker cuts in.)

Coworker: *to me* “Umm, excuse me.” *to the cashier* “Um, our manager just called and told me to tell you that you are being too loud.”

(Our cashier instantly blushed with embarrassment and throughout the rest of our transaction became very meek and quiet. Before we left, I had to say something.)

Me: “Hey, by the way, you were absolutely NOT being loud or obnoxious. I know loud and obnoxious people, because I’m one of them and you are doing just fine. Keep up that great customer service.”

Cashier: “Wow, thank you.” *tears up a little*

(I called the store and had a “chat” with the manager on duty. Let’s just say I was a little loud and obnoxious!)

(An older customer approaches me. I’m in the demographic the ‘Twilight Saga’ is marketed towards.)

Customer: “Have you seen that movie all the girls your age are excited about?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “That big movie, Eclipse I think?”

Me: “Oh, I never got into Twilight.”

Customer: “Good! Read some real books, and hope they get made into movies that are actually good!”

(I’m serving as a groomsman for a friend of mine and his younger brother. They are both getting married on the same day, and having a double wedding. While their fiancées are shopping elsewhere in the mall, us guys are all being fitted for our tuxedos. I’ve already tried mine on, and changed back to my street clothes. While my friend and his brother are trying their tuxes on, an older customer walks into the store with her grandson.)

Older Customer: “Look, [grandson]! They’re getting ready to have a wedding! Isn’t that precious?”

(She approaches me.)

Older Customer: “Who’s the lucky groom?”

Me: “They are.”

(I point to my friend and his brother, who are both in their suits. When the woman sees that there are two men putting on tuxedos, she shrieks, and her eyes get huge.)

Older Customer: “Oh, my God! You’re f***! Get out! Out, out, out, out!”

(She tries to rush over and grab them, but the store clerk steps in front of them.)

Clerk: “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you not to harass my other customers.”

Older Customer: “Those are God-hating sodomites! They’re liberal scum! It’s because of people like them that we have things like 9/11, and Hurricane Katrina! How can you let heathen filth like that into your store?! God will smite you and your whole f**-loving business!”

Clerk: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave if you keep speaking like that.”

Me: “Look, lady, they’re not even—”

Older Customer: “Quiet, you! You’re probably a f** too! This is a Christian nation, so if you don’t like it, then GET OUT! I won’t have you corrupting my grandson with your sinful ways!”

(While she is ranting, my friend and his brother’s fiancées walk in and tap the customer on the shoulder.)

Older Customer: “What do you want, you shameless Jezebel?!”

Friend’s Fiancée: “I was wondering if you’re done screaming at my future husband?”

(Both fiancées cross their arms, but leave their engagement rings VERY visible. The woman looks from the brides to the grooms, and back again.)

Older Customer: “I, uh—”

Friend’s Fiancée: “—was just leaving? Yes, I thought so.”

(She hangs her head, and trudges out of the store; her confused grandson following.)

Clerk: *to my friend* “I see why you’re marrying her!”