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License To Breed

, , , | Right | March 12, 2009

(A teen of about 16 or 17 is trying to buy alcohol. She is pushing a stroller with a baby in it.)

Customer: “I just want to buy it, okay?”

Me: “May I please see some ID?”

Customer: “I have a baby here!” *points at child*

Me: “Um… that child is not your ID.”

Customer: “But I can clearly buy alcohol if I have a baby!”

Me: “Of course…”

Customer: “So you’re going to let me buy it?”

Me: “I said I’m going to need to see some ID.”

Customer: “God, keep your god-d*** beer!” *rushes out of store with stroller*

Always Right, Even When Trafficking People

, , , , , | Right | March 10, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Home Improvement Store]. This is [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, hi. I was just wondering how much your Mexicans are?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Your Mexicans. The ones you have outside in the parking lot. I need some work done on my roof and I wanted to come pick up a couple.”

Me: “Ma’am… first of all, they are called day laborers. Secondly, they don’t belong to us. They don’t belong to anyone, actually; they are people. Third, our city prohibits soliciting work in a shopping center, so we actually don’t have any workers in the parking lot. If you need work done–”

Customer: “Never mind, I’ll just shop somewhere else!” *hangs up*

Smile – You’re On Scam-Cam

, | Right | March 9, 2009

Me: Hi, welcome to [Store]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’ve been waiting here for fifteen minutes. I want everything here discounted.”

Me: “I left here maybe two minutes ago, max, to check the fitting rooms.”

Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “In short, yes.”

Customer: “Bull! Do you have any proof I wasn’t here earlier?!”

(I point to the huge camera on the ceiling.)

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I’ll shut up now.”


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Always Right, Even If It’s Child Labor

, | Right | March 9, 2009

(I’m a painfully shy 13-year-old, and a customer somehow mistook me for an employee.)

Customer: “Can you help me find something?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “NO?!”

Me: “No!”

Customer: “Why not?!”

Me: “…I’m not allowed to talk to strangers.”

Secret Agent Man Loses It

, , , , | Right | March 6, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “Hello, thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name] speaking. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need to know what kind of GPS tracers you have.”

Me: “Certainly, sir. We have the Zoombak system here for–”

Customer: “No no no, I need something smaller!”

Me: “Smaller? What are you looking for exactly, sir?”

Customer: “I want to get a GPS that I can slip onto someone’s person so I can follow them around closely! I think my wife’s having an affair.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t sell anything like that here.”

Customer: “But you sell GPS’s!”

Me: “The receivers, sir.”

Customer: “And the transmitters?”

Me: “Huh?”

Customer: “The transmitters for your receivers!”

Me: “No, sir. Not that kind of receiver. We only have the kind that tells you where you are.”

Customer: “So you have nothing I can use to track people? Why not?”

Me: “Well, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”

Customer: “What about those things for tracking kids, or the things the police use?”

Me: “The police have special forms for use, and special power to enact them. And the ones for kids are special-case as well, as the child is under 18, so consent isn’t need–”

Customer: “Well then, I want to follow my son around!”

Me: “You just said, ‘wife.’ And we don’t have them.”

Customer: “Oh. What about tasers?”

Me: “We don’t sell weapons.”

Customer: “You don’t sell a lot of things, do you? What about audio bugs?”

Me: “Sir, it seems you want the spy shop. I can give you their number–”

Customer: “Oh, I know all about them! I’ve had covert training, pal! I just thought you might appreciate my covert business. I guess I have to go take my elite covertness over to the spy shop, then. Jerk.” *hangs up*

Coworker: *listening in*“You sure that wasn’t a radio station screwing with you?”


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