(A customer comes up to me with several bathmats. I am the only staff member in a large store; my coworker is at lunch.)

Me: “Hi. Can I help you?”

Customer #1: “I need to know which of these you think will suit my bathroom.”

Me: “I have no idea what your bathroom looks like.”

Customer #1: “Well, it has…” *mutters off strange colour combination I don’t quite understand* “…and black on the floor. Which one suits my bathroom?”

(This goes back and forth for several minutes. Finally I have had enough.)

Me: *pointing to one* “That one will suit.”

Customer #1: “Are you sure? I need one for toilet, one for wash hands and one for…” *struggles to find word*

Me: “Bathtub?”

(I go and get him another set, but he is upset that there will be two contour mats for the toilet.)

Me: “You will need to wash that one more often, so two would be good.”

Customer #1: “I look for more. You come.”

Me: “No, you look. I am the only one in the store at the moment and there is another customer waiting.”

(I turn to the other customer, vainly hoping for an easy sale.)

Me: “Hi. Can I help you?”

Customer #2: “I need jersey fabric. Can you show me where it is?”

Me: “Okay. I can show you quickly. I do need to back to the counter as I am the only one on the floor right now.”

(I take her to the jersey fabrics and point them out to her.)

Customer #2: “I need five colours.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll just leave you to choose them. Bring them to the counter when you are ready.”

Customer #2: “I need your help choosing them.”

Me: “Sorry. I really need to be back at the counter, as I’ve already explained.”

Customer #2: “How long until someone comes back and you can do it?”

Me: “20 minutes.”

Customer #2: “I’ll come back.”

(I go back to the counter to find that Customer #1 is back there.)

Customer #1: *with other bathmats* “Will these suit my bathroom?”

(I eventually sell Customer #1 the two sets of mats in the colour I chose. After 20 minutes, my coworker has come back and Customer #2 comes back in.)

Customer #2: *haughtily* “Can you serve me now?”

Me: “Yes, I can. Sorry about before. That customer was really doing my head in. Do you need help finding colours?”

Customer #2: “No. I know exactly what colours I need.”

(All Customer #2 wanted me for was to hold up fabric while she ‘ummed’ and ‘ahhed’ over the colour, as well as carry the very light rolls to the counter!)

(Two boys, around the age of four, are shopping with their mother.)

Little Boy #1: “Mom?”

Mother: “Hmm?”

Little Boy #1: “Are we being good?”

Mother: “Yes, you are, boys.”

(She rounds the corner with her shopping cart, so she is briefly out of earshot.)

Little Boy #2: “So did you tell her about the—”

Little Boy #1: “Shut up!”

(They catch up with their mother and are perfectly behaved the rest of the visit.)

(I work at a renaissance festival, where the workers are required to be in character when interacting with patrons. Two women are looking around the shop while their two boys, about seven or so, are horsing around with wooden swords. Sometimes I play along with the kids, but they’re getting out of control.)

Little Boy #1: “DIE! I’m gonna get you! I’m gonna kill you!”

Little Boy #2: “Not if I kill you first! RAAAAAAAAAAH!”

(The moms look a little resigned to all this and don’t say anything, but now the boys are starting to trip and hit each other so I step in and yell to be heard over them.)

Me: “Squires! Please take the arts of war outside my shop. We are a peaceful establishment!”

(They stop dead and look at me, dumbfounded. Then they hastily scoot outside and begin whacking each other again.)

Mom: “Wow, can you follow us around all day? They haven’t listened to us once!”

(I am a framer. A customer has a very, very old and tattered poster. Since she doesn’t want all of the poster framed, we talk about having it cut down in size. I always advise that customers research the value of their artwork before cutting.)

Customer: “It could be worth a lot of money.”

Me: “That’s true. We can save this order as an estimate until you can look it up and see what the value is before you cut it.”

Customer: “How do you do that?”

Me: “Since there isn’t a title, I would suggest you look it up on the internet by the band and the date on the poster.”

Customer: “Oh! I know!! I could order a copy and cut that to fit instead!”

Me: “Perhaps. It’s really very, very old but I suppose you might find possibly another copy online.”

Customer: “Okay! You go check and I’ll wait.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am?”

Customer: “Can’t you look it up? Don’t you have a list of posters or something?”

Me: “But you brought this poster in. It’s not one we sell in the store.”

Customer: “But isn’t there a list?”

Me: “There isn’t a comprehensive list of all posters ever made, no.”

Customer: “But how will you order it for me?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t. We’re a frame shop and do not offer poster-ordering as a service. And to be honest, this is so old that it may take you a few weeks to track down another copy, if it even exists.”

Customer: “Well, that doesn’t help me, now! Does it?!”

(It is a Tuesday late night, which everyone dreads, because of the infamous ‘Cat Lady’. She is a very lovely, quiet, but friendly lady but has one of the least pleasant aromas that I have ever experienced.)

Manager: *to Cat Lady* “Ma’am, I am just about to close. Please, can you go down to [My Name]’s checkout.”

(Cat Lady nods and smiles, and goes down my checkout. She places her few items on the conveyer belt and I can already start to smell her as she comes up to me.)

Me: *under my breath* “Oh my god, [Manager]. I can’t believe you did that!”

Manager: “Just wait, okay?”

(Cat Lady is about to reach me. Just as she does, my manager grabs a pot of fresh basil that had been left earlier that day and thrusts it into my face.)

Manager: “[My Name], smell this basil! It’s such a nice smell!

Cat Lady: “Wow, it’s so nice that you all appreciate the produce here!”