(We have pre-teen Justin Bieber cut outs in our store, along with party accessories.)

Customer: “I was wondering if you have any ‘Justine Bieber’ stuff.”

Me: *thinking nothing of how she said the name* “Right this way! We have the pre-teen Bieber, if that’s what you’re looking for.”

Customer: “No, I was wanting the cut out stand. You know, the cardboard ones you can buy.”

Me: “OH! Yes, I don’t think we have any set up in the store, but we have some in the back. They’re $34.97 for one.”

Customer: “That’s really high!”

Me: “I agree. It’s a bit much for some cardboard, but girls seem to love owning them.”

Customer: “That’s true. My granddaughter keeps asking for one.”

Me: “Well, let me just look in the back to see if we have one.” *goes to back and brings out a still-packaged cut out*

Customer: “Oh, this one is pre-teen, too.”

Me: “Yes. I’m afraid we don’t have any new Bieber items.”

Customer: *frowning at the cut out* “Just as well. I don’t really like my granddaughter having this Bieber stuff. Have you see how she looks?”

Me: “Sorry? Your granddaughter?”

Customer: “No, ‘Justine Bieber.’ She’d be so much prettier if she’d grow her hair out, is what I mean. With her hair all spiked up how it is, she looks like a lesbian!”

(The battery in our car died as I am closing my store. Fortunately for my husband and me, a coworker gives us a ride home. I have the next day off. Since there is a car part store between home and work, which is only about a mile away, we decide to walk there and buy a battery, and then walk to where the car is still parked. Since I used to work at a car part store like this one, my husband has me do all the talking. This starts after I pay for the battery.)

Me: “Okay, this is great. Now, I have a weird request. May I speak to your delivery manager?”

Cashier: *confused* “Okay?”

Manager: “Can I help you?”

Me: “Yes. This is going to sound odd and I understand if you can’t, but our car is broken down in the parking lot for [Restaurant] and we want it delivered to the [Restaurant] if possible.”

Manager: “You want us to deliver this battery to the [Restaurant]?”

Me: “Yes, I work there and I can call my manager if you need to. If you can’t, that’s okay; we’ll just carry it there.”

Manager: *looks at my husband, who is leaning on his cane, then at me, a flimsy looking woman* “I think we can manage that.”

(He gets our information and a description of our car. The delivery driver even arrived right as we were walking up to the car. Thanks to him we didn’t have to carry a car battery a mile to install it in our broken down car. Thank you, Mr. Manager!)

(I’m a regular at a local store which has various items on offer by the side of the register, which the cashier is required to try to ‘upsell’ to the customers. While in line, I notice one of the items is actually something I use, and is a good deal, so I add it to my basket. I’m only buying four items in total.)

Cashier: *after ringing up my items* “Did you find everything okay?”

Me: “Yes, thanks.”

Cashier: “Can I interest you in [item]?”

Me: *grinning* “Really?”

Cashier: “Yes, they’re on offer today, only [price].”

Me: “That sounds good.”

Cashier: “Would you like one?”

Me: “You mean in addition to the one I just bought?”

Cashier: “Uh… your total is [total], thanks…”

(I work behind the counter at a game store, and nothing is happening. I’ve already cleaned the floor and straightened the shelves, so I start singing to myself to pass the time. The song is a version of the ‘Modern Major-General’ song.)

Me: “I am the very model of a scientist salarian, I study species turian, asari, and batarian. I’m quite good at genetics, as a subset of biology, because I am an expert, which I know is a tautology!”

(My boss pops out behind me, startling the crap out of me.)

Boss: “MY XENOSCIENCE STUDIES RANGE FROM URBAN TO AGRARIAN! I AM THE VE-RY MODEL OF A SCIENTIST SALARIAN!”

(Best. Boss. Ever!)

(I work next to the electronics department. I am in the area when two customers walk up to an electronics associate.)

Customer: “Do you sell any VHS?”

Associate: “No, ma’am. We sell dvd players, though.”

Customer: “What’s DVD?”

(Associate proceeds to explain DVDs, still remaining very professional.)

Customer: “But you don’t have any VHS?! I find that hard to believe! Couldn’t you check the back room in case you have one lying around?”

Associate: “Ma’am, we haven’t sold VHS in years.”

Customer: “So you can’t check?”

Associate: “We don’t carry any VHS products anymore.”

Customer: “UNBELIEVABLE! How do you not carry VHS?! You’re gonna lose customers like that.”

(There is awkward silence. I’m a few feet away trying really hard not to laugh. But it’s not over yet.)

Customer: “What about [Brand Name]s? Do you have portable cassette [Brand Name]s?”

Associate: “We don’t have any cassette products anymore either.”

(The customer is genuinely bewildered at this point. She eventually decides to purchase a dvd player.)

Associate: “… And how will you be paying today?”

(The customer hands over a credit card.)

Associate: “Ma’am, this card is expired. In fact the card expired in the early 2000s.”

Customer: “WHAT?! No wonder you guys are going out of business. Can’t even take my payment!”