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Just Wait ‘Till He Meets The Dwarves In The Urinals

, , , | Right | May 22, 2008

Man: “Hey! I put my card in the ATM machine over there and put in my numbers, but it won’t give me any money. Does that even make any sense?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, the ATM is owned by that bank. You’ll have to call them.”

Man: “Oh, you would say that!”

Me: “If you’d like, sir, I can try to give you cashback here at my register, but I cannot access your bank information.”

Man: “I mean, I go to my bank and I can get out money just fine, but here… it won’t even work. I mean, does that make any sense?”

Me: “Would you like me to call my manager for you, sir?”

Man: “Oh, you’d try to save your job, wouldn’t you!”

(And then it gets weird…)

Man: “Wait!” *points at ceiling* “There used to be windows there! You people boarded them up!”

Me: “WHAT?”

Man: “Yeah! YEAH! The guys on the computers! I bet you have them up there watching me and keeping me from getting my money!”

Me: *laughing* “Um, sir, there are no people living in our walls. Go to your bank, and have a nice day!”

Man: *grumbles and leaves, turning back to look at the ceiling every few steps*

(From that point on, my co-workers who witnessed this blame everything on the ‘people in the walls’.)

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Back In My Day, Everyone Had Herpes

, , , | Right | May 17, 2008

Cashier: “Hello.”

Old Lady #1: “Stick out your tongue!”

Cashier: “Excuse me?”

Old Lady #1: “Stick out your tongue!”

Cashier: “Um, why?”

Old Lady #2: “What is that on your tongue?”

Old Lady #1: “Is that the herpes?”

Cashier: *sticks out tongue and points to a pink tongue piercing* “This?”

Old Lady #1: “Yes, what is that?”

Cashier: “A tongue piercing.”

Old Lady #1: *looks to Old Lady #2* “Oh! We thought it was the herpes!”

Cashier: “Uh, no. Just a pink plastic piercing.”

Old Lady #2: “Oh good! I didn’t think they let people with STDs come to work!”

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Cumulative IQ: Two. And A Half.

, , , | Right | May 15, 2008

(I approached a youngish looking husband/wife couple checking out our bedroom furniture to see if they needed any help.)

Wife: *pointing to a headboard* “Do you have this in stock?”

Me: “Give me just one minute, and I can go check that for you.”

Husband: “But before you do that, what is it?”

Wife: “I was wondering that too.”

Me: “It’s a headboard.”

Husband: “But what IS it?”

Me: “It’s a headboard. For your bed. You attach it to the top.”

Wife: “But what does it do?”

Me: “It makes your bed look nice.”

Wife: “But does it DO anything?”

Me: “Makes your bed look pretty?”

Husband: “But WHY?”

Me: “Some people like the added touch.”

Wife: “But why should WE buy it?”

Me: “If you think it would look nice in your room, then it would be a great addition to your decor.”

Wife: “You still haven’t told me what it does.”

Me: “Um, it helps your bed match the color scheme of your room.”

Husband: “What’s a color scheme?”

Wife: “Does that have something to do with carpets?”

Me: “Um…kind of. Carpets, curtains, bedspread, furniture. People generally like them to match. The overall color is called the color scheme.”

Wife: “Oh. I had heard of that, but no one ever told me what it was.”

Husband: “So we would need a real bed for this?”

Me: “Well what do you have?”

Husband: “A futon.”

Me: “A headboard wouldn’t work with that.”

Wife: “So I can’t get this?”

Me: “Well you could, but you wouldn’t be able to use it with your bed.”

Wife: “Why not?”

Me: “It only attaches to a regular mattress bed frame.”

Wife: “Oh. But what does it do?”

Me: “Let me go find someone that can better help you.”

(I ran off to find my manager because I couldn’t contain the laughter anymore. It took her 15 minutes to explain to them what exactly a headboard was, and why you couldn’t use it with a futon. We’re pretty sure they still didn’t really get it.)

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When Employees Lose It

, , , | Right | May 15, 2008

(I failed to complete a job in an hour for a customer. She became upset, so I offered her a refund.)

Me: “I am sorry about this… we became extremely busy as you can see by the five people behind you now.”

Rude Woman “Well, how come you didn’t tell me you would be this busy?”

Me: “I seem to have forgotten my crystal ball at home and I am not quite able to tell the future without it.”

Rude Lady “WELL I NEVER. I want your name!”

Rude Me: “Okay, ma’am, but you’ll look pretty funny being called Bryan.”

Rude Lady “I want your manager’s name!”

Ruder Me: “Seriously? Sure thing, maybe Rick will suit you better anyway.”

(She took her jewelry and stormed off. I called my boss a few hours later; she had contacted him and I was warned. Well worth it though!)

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Spontaneous Customer Combustion

, , | Right | May 15, 2008

Me: “Hi! Welcome to [Store], how may I help you today?”

Caller: “Do you take credit cards? My husband has a huge party coming up. I need a basket immediately, the biggest you have.”

(I ring her up and then ask for her credit card number. I also ask for the CVV code on the back of her card. Big. Effing. Mistake.)

Caller: “Excuse me, you want my what now?”

Me: “Your CVV code, ma’am. The three-or-four-digit code on the back of–”

Caller: “I KNOW what a CVV code is, d**nit! I’m not giving it to you!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but it’s company policy. I can assure you–”

Caller: “I am NOT giving you my code! Get me your manager!”

Me: “Ma’am, I swear, it’s policy–”

Caller: *Shrieking now* “You rotten children are just trying to ROB ME! GET ME YOUR MANAGER! NOW!”

(I get my manager.)

Manager: “Hello, can I help you?”

Caller: “You’re a bunch of thieves! No one asks for a CVV code nowadays! My husband has had dealings with the LIKES OF YOU!”

(At this point, she’s yelling so loudly that she’s audible to other employees in the room.)

Manager: “Miss, I–”

Caller: *does something inaudible*

Fellow Employee: “What just happened?”

Manager: *staring at the phone* “I think she just broke her phone.”


This story is part of the Customers-Overreacting roundup!

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