(I work in a fireplace store. I take a call from a customer.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, the fan on my stove isn’t working.”

Me: “Oh, no. That’s not good!”

Customer: “Yeah. So what’s wrong with it?”

Me: “Well, hard to say over the phone. It could be a number of things. If you’d like I can set up a service appointment and have one of our techs check it out. Please be aware that we are booked out about two weeks.”

Customer: “Seriously!? What the h***! I’m cold!”

Me: “Well, you have to option to bring the fan into our shop; it’s cheaper and you can do that pretty much anytime.”

Customer: “No, I’m not really comfortable working on this thing.”

Me: “Is your stove working?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “So just your fan isn’t operating? ”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Does it make any noises or grinding sounds?”

Customer: “It’s not doing anything at all. I just got this fan two years ago, I’ll be very unhappy with you if it’s broken already.”

Me: “I hate to ask it, but just to make sure, have you checked to make sure that it’s plugged in?”

(The customer completely goes off on me, calling me all kinds of names. I have permission from my boss to hang up on people who are rude to me without cause but at this point I’m not sure what to do. I let him finish his rant and just change the subject.)

Me: “Do you want to schedule for [date two weeks from now]?”

Customer: “I guess. How much is a service call?”

Me: “$150.”

Customer: “That’s outrageous!”

Me: “Sir, we’re the cheapest around here and we’re booked out because when you’re good, you’re busy.”

Customer: “Fine. I’ll take it but this is ridiculous. You guys are con men, ripping off old people like me.”

(We hang up and less than an hour later, I get another call from him.)

Customer: “Hi. Um, not sure if I talked to you earlier, but um this is… and I, um, checked with my wife and it looks like she unplugged the fan to plug in the Christmas tree lights. So, uh, I’d like to cancel my appointment. Um, thank you.” *click*

(My fiancé and I, after being an established couple for several years, have finally set a date for our wedding, about a month from the time of this story. I am alone in the bridal area of a large department store, though I have sent pictures to my mom, sister, and several girlfriends for their opinion. I’ve just tried on a fabulous dress and walk back out into the retail area to think about whether I want to buy it or not. I am carrying the dress over one arm, since it is not long. I start looking at jewelry. An older woman comes up and starts talking to me.)

Woman: “That’s a lovely dress! Are you going to buy it!”

Me: “I’m thinking about it.”

Woman: “Is that for… your wedding?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Woman: “But you’re alone!”

Me: “Well, it didn’t seem worth having them come visit when they’ll just have to come back in a month for the wedding.”

Woman: “You’re getting married in a month?!” *calls to the sales clerk* “This woman is getting married in a month! She needs your help! You should hang this dress up!”

Me: “I’m fine, really…”

Woman: “Oh, this necklace would look lovely!”

(I finally put the woman off by saying that I’ll likely wear something heirloom from my grandmother, and tell the sales clerk I’m ready to buy the dress. We walk over to a register.)

Me: “I didn’t want to be rude to her, but I’m really not comfortable with that sort of thing…”

Sales Clerk: “Wait, you mean she wasn’t with you?”

Me: “No, she just came up to me and was astonished that I was shopping alone. I really hate this sort of thing. I don’t mind having come out by myself. I was texting everyone and they all thought the dress looked great.”

Sales Clerk: “I thought she was your mother, or something…”

Me: *sighs* “No, complete stranger.”

(For the record, the necklace I wore was a gift from my mother-in-law.)

(My husband and I decided to stop mid-intercourse to race across town before the local adult store closed, because we discovered that the toy we wanted to use had mysteriously melted in the box under our bed. He also occasionally forgets how in-sync we are.)

Me: *toy in hand* “We made it in time!”

Husband: *starts car and looks at me funny*

Me: “Don’t tell me you don’t want to anymore?”

Husband: “No, I do, a lot. I was just wondering if we could stop at Taco Bell on the way home?”

Me: “Oh, my God! I can get a freeze!”

(He won’t doubt my commitment to sex or Taco Bell for awhile.)

(I’m a fairly feminine looking guy and my voice is relatively high. Sometimes I get mistaken for a girl. I’m checking a lady out at the register.)

Customer: “You have beautiful eyes. Has anyone ever told you that?”

Me: “Thank you! That’s very kind of you!”

Customer: “I see you here all the time and you’re so friendly and fun to talk to. I’d love to speak with your manager about your excellent service!”

Me: “Wow! Thank you so much! Unfortunately my manager isn’t in today, though. I think she’ll be in tomorrow.”

Customer: “All right, then. I’ll give the store a call tomorrow to speak with her. What’s your name, Miss?”

Me: “Sam.”

Customer: “Your full name?”

Me: “… Samuel.”

Customer: “… Oh.”

Me: *quietly, trying to make my voice a little deeper* “Would you like your receipt?”

(While wandering around the shops I run into my friend. She is looking incredibly nice, with her hair in ringlets and falling over her shoulder. She is also known for having no patience with kids.)

Me: “Wow, look at you all dressed up! You look amazing! I love your hair!”

Friend: “Thanks. I’ve actually had little kids staring at me today.”

Me: “Yeah, because you’re so pretty!”

Friend: “A little girl came up to me and asked me if I was a princess.”

(I get really excited to hear a ‘you can be a princess, too’ story.)

Me: “Yeah? What did you say to her?”

Friend: “I told her I wasn’t.”

Me: “… and?”

Friend: “Nothing. I just said I wasn’t and then walked away.”

Me: “NO! She’s a little kid! You’re supposed to tell her that you are and that she can be one, too! You’ve just crushed all her hopes and dreams!”

Friend: *after a pause* “D***! I should have told her I was a wicked witch. That would have been funny.”