(I have a 14-hour shift because a friend of mine is out sick as she is having surgery. It’s about eight hours into the day, and a customer comes in, with something in a paper bag and a giant scowl on her face.)

Me: “Hello, Ma’am. How may I help you today?”

Guest: “Yes. I’d like to return this, please? Here’s my receipt, and I want the full amount back.”

Me: “Yes, Ma’am. I’ll do what I can.”

(I go to scan the receipt, and it’s declined, because she’s had the items for more than 90 days. We aren’t allowed to return things over that limit without a supervisor’s approval.)

Me: “I’m very sorry ma’am, but my system is showing me that I can’t return these, due to the fact you purchased them more than 90 days ago.”

Guest: “That’s f****** stupid! I demand to speak with your supervisor! I work in retail, and we return everything the guest gives us!”

(I look over, and see my supervisor is busy dealing with another customer.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. If you’d just wait right over here for a moment, I’m sure he’ll be with you very shortly.”

Guest: “No! I’ll not be treated this way!”

(She takes out her purse, and slams her bag down on the guest services counter, throwing her store card and three gift cards at my face. I catch one, and dodge the others.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave, please. We do not allow that kind of behavior here. I’m very sorry for any inconvenience.”

Guest: “You know what? You’re simply a stupid little s*** with no chance at ever being successful, or pretty!” *storms out*

Customer In Line Behind Her: “Well, I never! Miss, you are beautiful, very kind, and I’m in awe of your ninja skills!”

Me: “Thank you, ma’am. I appreciate it!”

(One day I go to work only to realize that I’ve left my nametag at home, so I put on the nametag of a coworker who has the day off.)

Me: *ringing up a customer*

Coworker: Hey, [My Name]. I’m leaving the floor for a minute.”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: *blinks, then takes a good look at my nametag* “Why did she call you [My Name]?”

Me: “I’m… not myself today.”

(My boyfriend and I are walking through a store when he notices a chocolate fountain on display.)

Boyfriend: “Who would actually buy one of these? You can just rent them.”

Me: “Probably someone who entertains a lot.”

Boyfriend: “But if you owned one then your guests would never leave!”

(Another customer has overheard us and butts in.)

Random Creepy Customer: “Poison! If you poison them then they’ll never come back!”

Boyfriend: “… I guess that’s true.”

(At this point, my boyfriend quickly leads me to another aisle.)

Boyfriend: *whispering* “If you ever see that customer again, don’t eat anything she offers you!”

(I work in a custom shirt shop. We have a lot of variety in our shirts that we keep in stock, trying to have two-three shades of all the basic colors. However, more unique colors don’t have a high turn over, and we try to keep our overstock as low as possible to keep down costs. This customer had had shirts designed by us before on a basic light brown but now wants some brighter, spring colors.)

Customer: “There’s this really pretty coral that’s popular right now. Do you have anything in a coral?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We just have a few shades in the more basic colors. I have a couple shades of pink I could show you.”

Customer: *pointing to two shirts on the wall* “Well, that shirt over there is more of an orange, but the colors on this fox here is more of an umber. Do you have any shirts closer to an umber?”

Me: “Again, we tend to have just a couple shades in the basic color palette. I could show you our two oranges.”

Customer: “No, no, that’s more of a rust! I don’t want another fall color. I want something brighter.”

Me: “Well, that’s called ‘Tennessee Orange,’ and that one is ‘Safety Orange.’ Those are the only oranges we have.”

Customer: “What about something in more of a fuschia-y salmon?”

Me: “I have pink. I have neon pink and dark pink. Would you like to see the two shades of pink?”

Customer: “Well, I also like purple, but I don’t want a royal purple. What about something in like a mauve?”

Me: “I have purple. I have dark purple and light purple. I can bring out two samples and show you our shades of purple.”

Customer: “Well what colors DO you have?!”

Me:  “Basic colors, two-three shades of each. Red, yellow, blue…”

Customer: “Let me see your blue.”

(I FINALLY bring out the three shades of blue we have, hoping she likes one.”

Customer: “Is this ALL you have?”

Me: “Yes, we have three shades of blue. These three shades. Royal, turquoise, and light blue.”

Customer: “Fine. I will take the BABY blue.”

Me: “You mean this one… the light blue, right?”

(All I can think is someone had the big box of crayons as a kid and felt like showing off!)

(A customer is buying over $200 worth of used CDs, most of which are missing barcodes and have to be manually entered. To boot, they are mostly classical, which means they’re covered in text, often in different languages, etc., and it’s hard to pick out the information I need.)

Customer: “Is there any way this can go any faster? I’m in quite a hurry.”

(Yes, I’m sure he picked out all 50 friggin’ CDs in QUITE a hurry.)