(I work the customer service and return desk and am in the process of returning several items of clothing for a customer because they did not fit her children. Before I can finish the transaction and hand her back her money, she hands me a coupon.)

Customer: “When I bought these items, the cashier didn’t scan my coupon. Can you just do it now?”

Me: “… I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Just take this coupon off during the return for me. I wanted to use it.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is a return transaction, I can’t use a coupon on a return.”

Customer: “Then return my items and resell them to me with the coupon!”

Me: “So you want me to return your items, resell them to you with your coupon, and then return them a second time?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “Knowing that if I resell you the items with the coupon, you will receive less money back on the second return because of it?

Customer: “Yes!”

(We had to have a manager explain to her that it wasn’t worth it to do all that just for a coupon.)

(I’m at work in a store that exclusively sells shoes. Sometimes when people get unspecific about what they want, I like to joke with them about it.)

Me: “Hi there! Were you searching for anything in particular today?”

Customer: “Shoes.”

Me: *dead-pan* “Sorry, we’re out of those.”

Customer: “WHAT?”

(The customer looks seriously angry and tries to storm out before I chase her down and tell her that we do, in fact, have some shoes left.)

(As a cashier one of biggest pet peeves is when people eat the items before paying for them.)

Me: “Hi. How are you today?”

(I instantly notice customer has three boxes of tomatoes, and is eating away.)

Customer: “Hi…” *continues eating one of the boxes of tomatoes*

Me: *scans all three boxes* “Your total is [total].”

(The customer, still chewing away, swipes her card.)

Me: “This card was declined.”

Customer: “Can I try again?”

(There are only two tomatoes left in box she ate from. She swipes the card again.)

Me: “It was declined.”

Customer: “Let me try another card.” *swipes card*

Me: “That was declined also.”

Customer: “Let me just go to the ATM to get cash. I’ll be right back.”

(The customer never came back and got away with eating almost an entire box of tomatoes for free.)

(When our store first started using spiderwire (an alarmed wire wrapped around packaging) we weren’t allowed to tell people what is was, for whatever reason. When asked, I would just say it is a security device. I am pressed on how it works by one belligerent customer:)

Me: “This is a sophisticated anti-theft system we’ve just invested in. If one leaves the store it will automatically engage the alarm and trigger the GPS tracking. We then relay the information to the police. It’s so we can not only stop theft, but bust thieves in their own homes.”

(The customer’s mouth was open with shock.)

Customer: “I didn’t realize [Store] was capable of that!”

(He then set his item wrapped in wire down slowly and literally ran out of the store.)

(We use walkie-talkies to communicate at the store where I work. I’m known for my sarcastic comments, but one of my managers just doesn’t get it.)

Manager: *over the walkie* “Hey, [My Name], do you have a walkie?”

Me: *over walkie* “No.”

(A few seconds later, I hear the store’s PA system come on.)

Manager: *over PA* “[My Name], please come to customer service. [My Name] to customer service.”