(It is just before Superstorm Sandy and my friend and I (both female) are doing the obligatory pre-apocalypse shop.)

Friend: “Oh, and don’t forget the number-one single-girls rule for surviving a power outage!”

Me: “Yeah? What’s that?”

Friend: “Make sure your flashlight and your vibrator take the same size batteries!” *throws pack of Cs into the cart*

Me: “Point.” *tosses in AAs*

(My coworker and I are closing up the store. The store is closed the next day, so we were admittedly a little eager to get home to start relaxing. I accidentally leave the front door unlocked in my rush to get home. We have several signs saying we are closed on Sunday. Apparently at around noon on Sunday, a customer gets into the store, starts browsing, and ends up setting the alarms off and running out. A few days later, the same coworker and I are working when a customer comes in.)

Me: “Hello! Do you need help finding anything today?”

Customer: “Not really, but I was the one who set off those alarms and never got to get the treats I came in for!”

Me: “Well, we were closed, sir.”

Customer: “How was I supposed to know that?!”

Me: “Sir, did you not notice the signs on the door, the hours posted, the fact that the lights were off, and that the store was completely empty?”

Customer: “No! It shouldn’t be my responsibility to keep track of your hours! It’s your responsibility to tell me when you’re open or not!”

Coworker: “Sir, that’s what the signs are for. We can’t be here all the time to let people know we’re open.”

Customer: “Well, you should be!”

(It’s almost the end of a very long shift at the sample table and I’m exhausted. I guess I’ve just started to shut down, because I’m quiet and sort of zoned, but when I see a customer approaching I start back up.)

Me: “Hi, would you like to try any samples today?”

Customer: *leaps about a foot into the air* “I thought you were one of those cardboard people!”

(I work with a woman whose first language isn’t English. She speaks with a strong accent and has good skills but doesn’t realise that customers don’t always get the grasp of what she is saying. I often find myself butting in to translate for customers. Another staff member has let me know that it’s upsetting her because she thinks I think she is stupid. She definitely isn’t. After one such incident, she’s walked off and I can see she is upset so follow her to explain.)

Me: “[Coworker], I am sorry if I upset you by butting in on your customer.”

Coworker: “It’s okay.”

Me: “No, I realise I upset you by doing it and need to explain. I know you are very smart and while I understand what you have said perfectly, sometimes the customers don’t.”

Coworker: “Huh?”

Me: “Yes, You explain things to them like they are intelligent adults, but need to realise that most of them are actually dumb. You often can’t work out how to dumb it down. I speak perfect dumb which is why I butt in.”

(My coworker burst out laughing and hugged me.)

Associate: “Hi, any questions?”

Me: “No, just browsing.”

Associate: “Really? No questions? What’s my favorite color? What’s the capital of Iceland?”

Me: “Reykjavik.”

Associate: *high-fives me* “You are the first person to get that! You’re my favorite customer!”

(Gotta say, I left the store feeling pretty good after that.)