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Never-Fail Conversation Starters

, , , | Right | July 30, 2009

Me: “Can I help you with anything today?”

Customer: “How old are you?”

Me: “Um… I’m 17.”

Customer: “No, you’re not!”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

Customer: “No, no! You’re 4.6 billion years old! You’re older than me, and you’re older than your parents. Jesus is inside you!”

Me: “Er… can I help you with anything else?”

Customer: “Oh, can I borrow a pen?”

I’m Too Sexy For My Kitchen

, , | Right | July 30, 2009

(A customer brings me the bowl from a salad spinner set.)

Customer: “How much is this hat?”

Me: “Ma’am, that goes to a salad set. It’s not a hat.”

(She doesn’t understand, so I tell her I’ll find the price. I come back with the whole set.)

Me: “You see ma’am, this is used to dry salad after you wash it. You turn the handle and–”

Customer: “I only want the hat, not the box and the hat!” *walks off*

Wired For The Stone Age

, , , , , | Right | July 30, 2009

(I walk up to an older man playing with an iPhone in our electronics store.)

Me: “Hello, sir, do you need any help?”

Customer: “Naw, but I was wondering… why does this darn thing work with my finger, but not my fingernails?”

Me: “Well, your body has electricity running through it, but your fingernails don’t conduct–”

Customer: “Electricity in my body? My body?”

Me: “Yes, sir. We all have electricity running through our bodies.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! D*** technology! We didn’t have that s*** prancin’ around our bodies in back in my day!”

Me: “Sir, we’ve always–”

Customer: “Forget it! What’s the d*** world coming to?” *walks away mumbling*


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A Man Of Many Faces, All Of Them Dumb

, , , , , , | Right | July 29, 2009

(I had lost my entire wallet just a week prior. A customer approaches my check stand. He has an eighteen-pack of beer on the belt, and he looks about twenty years old.)

Me: *ringing him up* “ID, please.”

Customer: “You got it!”

(The customer pulls out a wallet that looks exactly like mine, broken chain and all. He then proceeds to show me my own ID.)

Me: *taking my wallet back from him* “Two problems with this.”

Customer: “What the h***, man?!”

Me: “First off, this is MY ID; MY wallet. Secondly, I’m not twenty-one, and neither is this thing.”

Customer: *runs out of the store*


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I Find Your Lack Of T-shirts Disturbing

, , , , , , | Right | July 29, 2009

(I’m selling t-shirts at Comic-Con in San Diego. Two men are dressed as Star Wars characters come to my booth.)

Jedi #1: “Man, these shirts are all great. I don’t know how I’ll pick.”

Coworker: “Well, they are two for $35, so you can get any two you like.”

Jedi #2: “Is there any deal for three?”

Coworker: “Nope, just by twos.”

(Suddenly, the second Jedi activates his light-up lightsaber and speaks in an angry, menacing tone.)

Jedi #2: “How about now?!”


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