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Science, Stripped Down To A Soundbite

, , | Right | August 6, 2009

Customer: “The counter is wet.”

Me: “Oh, it’s from condensation.”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “When someone takes the milk out of the refrigerator, and it starts to become room temperature… it drips…”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “It’s water.”

Customer: “Oh!”

A Man Of Two Words

, , , , | Right | August 5, 2009

Me: *ringing up a sale* “…and did you find everything you were looking for today?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Oh, that’s too bad. Would you like some assistance finding those items?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay. What was it that you couldn’t find?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “…pardon?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “So…did you not need any help today?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Then you have everything you need?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Well then, have a wonderful day!”

Customer: “No.” *takes bag and leaves*

Putting The LOL In Little Old Lady

, , , , , | Right | August 5, 2009

(I’m checking out my last customer, a little old lady, before covering a break when another customer starts unloading his stuff into the register. Note that I’ve shut off my light and put a “lane closed” sign up.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, my lane is closed. I have to go to another department and cover a break.”

Other Customer: “Well, isn’t that just f***ing convenient for you!”

(Right on cue, the little old lady I was helping turns to the other customer.)

Little Old Lady: “Who the h*** peed in your cornflakes this morning?!”

Other Customer: *storms off*

She is now a regular of mine!

Honoring The Memory Of Purchases Gone By

, , , , , | Right | July 31, 2009

(It is the end of my shift, and an elderly woman comes over with two lampshades. They ring in at $3.50, and she pays and takes her bag.)

Customer: “Can I return these if they don’t fit my lamps?”

Me: “Of course. Just hold on to your receipt.”

Customer: “What if I lose them?”

Me: “We can give you store credit.”

Customer: “Oh, no, that won’t do…”

Me: “Well… just hold onto your receipt.”

Customer: “Can I have five receipts? I’ll put one in my wallet, one in my purse, one in my fridge, one in my underwear drawer, and one with my husband’s ashes.”

Me: “…”

(The woman leaves with her five receipts.)

Co-worker: “That was a really important $3.50.”

MSRP: My Suggested Retail Price

, , | Right | July 31, 2009

Customer: “Ooh, don’t you have lovely eyes? You’re like a little china doll!”

Me: “Uh, thanks… Is that like a porcelain doll?”

Customer: “Yes! Yes! A porcelain doll! From Europe! Your skin is so pale, and your eyes are so big! Oh, my, you do look just like a china doll! I bet you have so many different outfits! And a little house! And lots of hats!

Coworker: *joking* “Actually, she’s a collector’s item. Very rare. A one-off, in fact.”

Customer: *to me* “LIFT UP YOUR HAIR!”

Me: “Why?!”

Customer: “I need to see your stamp of authenticity!”