(I’m a cashier on an extremely hot Saturday afternoon in the bowels of Texas. I am bagging a customer’s goods.)

Customer: “You’re doing it wrong!”

Me: “Oh, so sorry! I’ll put these in a separate bag if you like.”

Customer: “God, you let one of them become president and the rest of you quit trying.”

Me: *biting my tongue* “Do you need help getting these into the cart, ma’am?”

Customer: “What color are you, anyway?”

(I hit the switch on the lights and called my manager over, who promptly checked the woman out. The customer vowed to visit the ‘white’ store next time.)

(It is the Christmas season, when our store closes at midnight. A shopper is still shopping in the toy section at 12:15 when we approach her.)

Me: “Ma’am, can I help you find something? We are closed now and need you to check out so we can go home.”

Customer: “No, I’m just looking.”

Me: “Well, then, we need you to check out. The store has been closed for 15 minutes.”

Customer: “Well, there was a line up there!”

Me: “So… uh… get in it?”

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(I have the same first name as another employee who works in another store in another location. The location names both start with B and end with ‘town.’)

Me: “Hi. Can I help you?”

Customer: “I am here to pick up my order. My name is [Customer].”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t have anything to be picked up under that name. When did you order it?”

Customer: “I rang on Thursday and spoke to you.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I wasn’t working on Thursday.”

Customer: “Yes, you were. You gave me your name.”

Me: “No, I wasn’t here.”

Customer: “WELL, SOMEONE USED YOUR NAME, THEN! I KNOW I SPOKE TO YOU. YOU ARE LYING TO ME!”

Me: *twigging* “Hold on. Just let me make a phone call to see if I can find your order.”

Customer: “About time, too!”

Me: *on phone, loudly* “Hi, this is [My Name] from [B***town] Store. Can I speak to [My Name], please?” *she answers* “Hi, this is [My Name]. By any chance do you have an order put aside for [Customer]? You do? Well she’s here at my store to pick it up.” *to the customer* “You placed your order with [My Name] at [Other B***town] store.”

Customer: “No, I got the number from the catalogue.”

(I show her the catalogue, pointing out the two locations and numbers, right next to each other. There’s no apology, just a demand for it to be sent to us because she needs it today.)

Me: “Sorry, not possible. It can take two weeks to get to us. If you need it you have to go there to pick it up.”

(The customer stomped away.)

(Our mall closes early on Sunday, though some people don’t quite get the message. My coworker has gone to take out the trash and left a door unlocked but closed so she can get back in, as we normally do while my manager is closing the registers. A couple walks in after letting themselves in.)

Manager: “O-oh, hey, guys. How are you doing tonight?” *stops her counting and shuts the drawer to go around the counter*

Customer #1: “Hey there. We’re just looking.”

(My manager is confused but follows them, doing her normal sales thing until the couple finally catches on.)

Customer #1: “Are you guys closed?”

Manager: “Yes, we are.”

Customer #2: “No, like… Are you guys REALLY closed? Not just saying it?”

Manager: “… Yes. I’m closing down the registers and I can’t process any more transactions.”

Customer #1: *snippy suddenly* “Well, we just want to look, anyway!”

(We are on our way to Chicago from Minnesota, about an eight-hour drive. We stop for provisions at a truck stop and I decide to purchase a neck pillow. I am debating whether to get an adult-sized red one or a child’s pillow with a hippopotamus head on one end that is rainbow-colored. It should be noted that we are both in our mid-20s.)

Me: “I’m conflicted. Should I get the red pillow or the rainbow-hippo pillow?”

Friend: “Is that a serious question?”

Me: “Well, yeah… Are you making fun of me right now, or—”

Friend: “Rainbow-hippo pillow! DUH!”

Me: “See, this is why we are best friends.”