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This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 14

, , , , , , | Right | May 30, 2011

Customer: “Hi, do you have financing options?”

(I explain the program, and the customer fills out the online form. The site gives an instant decision. She gets declined.)

Customer: “I got declined. I don’t understand why.”

Me: “Well, it has to do with your credit. You’ll receive a packet in the mail within ten business days explaining exactly why you were declined.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. Can you help me with this? I think I did something wrong.”

Me: “Well, I wouldn’t apply again. It’s not likely to change and it means that it will run another credit check on you.”

(The customer insists, and begins filling it out with me there overseeing. She gets to the section about annual income and planned purchase amount. She puts $100,000 as her annual salary. Keep in mind, she’s no more than 25.)

Me: “Man, I’m in the wrong business. Can I ask what you do?”

Customer: “Oh. Well, I’m a student. But my dad works on Wall Street.”

Me: “But you make $100,000 per year?”

Customer: “No, my dad does.”

Me: “But, you’re applying for the card in your name. They need your annual income.”

Customer: “Can’t I just use his?”

Me: “No, you can’t. In fact, what you just did is illegal. That’s why you got declined. You’re trying to commit credit fraud.”

Customer: “Oh, I can’t do that?”


This story is part of the Customers-Causing-Recessions roundup!

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Phoney Answers

, , | Right | May 30, 2011

(I’m standing at my register. A customer walks up while talking on her cell phone. I smile at her and start ringing up her order.)

Me: “Would you like a box?”

(The customer is still talking on cell phone and doesn’t answer. I start packing her order in a box anyway.)

Me: “That’ll be [total].”

(She hands me a check, but is still talking on her cell phone. I put it through the check printer for her.)

Me: “Okay, I just need to write your phone number on the check.”

Customer: *deadpan, and still on her phone* “I don’t have one.”

*extended pause*

Me: “Okay, I’ll just put ‘unlisted’.”

Totally, Like, Imperio

, , , | Right | May 26, 2011

(I want to walk into a retail store. There is a customer of my age (around 22) standing in front of the door. It won’t open for her.)

Customer:Alohomora!”

(The door opens as I walk closer.)

Customer: “Ha! Works!”

(She goes in and I follow her. This is a little store with not much space to wander around. A customer is trying to reach something on the highest shelf.)

Customer:Accio!”

(I shake the shelf a little so the item she wants falls into her arms.)

Customer: “Whoa! It really does work!”

(We proceed to the register, and she pays and leaves. I am in line behind her. When I get out of the store, she’s already there, standing by her car. A policeman is there, too, writing her a ticket.)

Customer: “Oh, but I really just went in for a minute! I didn’t see the sign!”

Policeman: “I’m sorry, miss, there’s nothing I can do. You broke the law by parking here.”

(The customer stares at him blankly, and then glances at me.)

Me: “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘Imperio’!”

Zombies Need Retail Assistance Too

, , , , , | Right | May 24, 2011

Me: “Hello. How are you doing today?”

Customer: “I’m alive.”

Me: “That’s good. Find everything okay today?”

Customer: “Yeah. Because if I wasn’t alive, I’d be dead. Or a zombie.”

Me: “I guess you would.”

Customer: “Do you like zombies?”

They Grow Up (And Get Incarcerated) So Fast, Part 2

, , , , , , | Right | May 24, 2011

(I am approached by an eight-year-old customer.)

Child: “Miss, can I buy this game?”

(He holds up a copy of an adult-rated game.)

Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t. You’ll need your parent or guardian to buy that for you.”

Child: “Okay. I just called my mom. She’ll be here soon.

(The mother and other children arrive at the store.)

Mother: “Okay, what is it?”

Me: “I just need to know if you approve of this game. It contains blood, violence, use of drugs-”

Mother: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boobs, butts, drugs, whatever. I don’t care. He’s paying for it.”


This story is part of our “Bad Parents & R-Rated Movies” roundup!

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