(I’m autistic, and despite holding a customer service position, I’ve never been very good at conversing with people (I was hired primarily for my extensive knowledge of our products). After watching one of my coworkers easily strike up lively conversations with customers, I decide to try practicing my social skills with a customer who’s purchasing a DVD.)

Me: “Oh! I really need to watch this one. I’ve heard it’s excellent.”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s great! I first watched it back when I was, like, thirteen. I didn’t get most of the references back then.”

Me: “You saw it when you were thirteen? Wow, I didn’t know it had been around that long!”

(The customer was suddenly less enthusiastic for the rest of the transaction. I didn’t figure out what could have gone wrong until after he left. Then I decided it’d be best to stop practicing for the day.)

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(I am a male with long hair. Sometimes when I feel like being a smart-a**, most of the time really, I end up having this conversation with other long haired men, in this case being a worker at a retail place. People tend to respond the same way, so it usually plays out the same way.)

Me: “That long hair makes you look like a girl.”

(The clerks features rapidly shift to annoyance, then confusion when they see my long hair, then anger.)

Clerk: “Well, YOUR long hair makes you look like a girl, too!”

Me: “No. No, it doesn’t. You see *points* I have a beard. So, my long hair makes me look look a dumba**. YOUR long hair makes you look like a girl.”

Clerk: *stunned*

Me: “Why don’t you have a beard?”

(It’s been snowing steadily all day. Still, customers come to shop for electronics and ask stupid questions.)

Customer: “I bought [Satellite TV Service] here, but I’m having trouble with it. Can you help?”

Me: “I usually handle computer questions, not TV questions, but I can try. What’s going on?”

Customer: “The channels just aren’t coming through right. They’re all pixelated, and they keep cutting out, and sometimes there’s nothing to see or hear at all.”

Me: “That’s not good. When did it start?”

Customer: “This morning.”

Me: “I haven’t heard of any problems from [Satellite TV Provider]. I’m guessing that it has something to do with the snowstorm. The snow could be interfering with your signal, especially if some has accumulated in the dish of your receiver.”

Customer: “Can you check?”

Me: “Can I check what?”

Customer: “Can you get on your computer and check to see if I have snow on my dish?”

Me: “…no, I can’t do that.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “The store computers don’t have access to information about whether a person’s satellite dish has snow in it. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Well, how can I find out?”

Me: “You could try going home and looking at it…”

(I’m a manger in my store and every manager has their own alarm code so the company knows who turns on/off the alarm. After working nine days in a row, my brain is fried and I have forgotten my code number. After having the store manager close the store I call the alarm company to get my code.)

Alarm Tech: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I help you?”

Me: “I am calling about my alarm system.”

Alarm Tech: “Is there a problem with the alarm?”

Me: “Actually there’s a problem with me, I can’t seem to remember my alarm code.”

Alarm Tech: *chuckle* “Okay, we can help with that. Now can I have your four-digit pin?”

Me: “Um, you mean the pin for the alarm?”

Alarm Tech: “Yes, that’s the one.”

Me: “The alarm code I am calling to get because I don’t remember it?”

Alarm Tech: “Yes, if you can just confirm your pin, we can continue from here.”

Me: “You want me to give you my pin that I don’t remember, so you can then just repeat my pin number back to me?”

Alarm Tech: *silence*

Me: “Could you give it to another manager, who can then give it to me?”

Alarm Tech: “I think that may be best.”

(I hand the phone to my store manager, who gives his pin and then gives me mine. Not sure how the tech thought asking me for the pin I forgot was going to work.)

(I’m at work when I overhear a couple of teenage girls talking.)

Girl #1: “Totally nailed it. [Boy]’s girlfriend just dumped him.”

(Girl #2 pumps her fist in the air.)

Girl #2: “Yes! I mean… that’s terrible. I wonder if I can get him on the rebound?”