I’m Sensing Something Cylindrical And… Swedish

| Right | June 27, 2008

(I work at an adult novelty shop. A man and a woman come into the store together, obviously a pair. The man comes to the front counter, pays for a sex toy (think of the first Austin Powers movie) and leaves. A bit later, the woman comes up to the front desk.)

Woman: “Have you seen my husband?”

Me: “Ooooh. Um. I think he just left.”

Woman: “Oh, really?” *gets on her cellphone* “Hey, honey! Forget something!?”

(A few moments later, the front door flies open and the man sulks in, meets back up with his wife, and they both leave together.)

Coworker: “I’m glad he came back for her. I don’t think she’d fit in the lost-and-found.”

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Bad Customer Tip #103: Pull A Clark Kent

, | Right | June 26, 2008

(A man on his mid-forties shoves a DVD case on the counter, while yelling at me. Keep in mind that I’m wearing glasses.)

Customer: “This DVD doesn’t work, G** D***it! I want a refund!”

Me: “Okay… what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I don’t know, it doesn’t work!”

(I open the case and check the surface of the DVD. It was so scratched that it was nearly white instead of purple, and it even had a dry fingerprint of something that looked like peanut butter.)

Me: “Um… sir?”

Customer: “WHAT?!”

Me: “I can’t give you a refund for a product that has been damaged by the customer.”

Customer: What?! The disc is fine! I want a refund!”

Me: “Sir, the disc is damaged, and I cannot give you a refund.”

Customer: “I want to speak to the manager!”

Me: “Of course.”

(I walk away to the back of the store, take off my glasses, and walk to the counter again.)

Me: “Yes, what is the problem?”

Customer: “YOUR POOR EXCUSE FOR A SALESMAN WON’T–”

(He suddenly figures it out.)

Customer: “F*** THIS S***!” *continues swearing while he storms out of the store*

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She Saw Seashells And Social Strata

| Right | June 25, 2008

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling ***, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you have any floating candles?”

Me: “Yes, sir, we have a Fourth of July set of red, white and blue star-shaped floating candles, and we also carry a set shaped like seashells.”

Customer: “Yeah, I saw those. The seashells are too ghetto. Do you have any plain white ones?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid the seashells and the stars are all we have. They’re too… ghetto, did you say?”

Customer: “Yeah, this is for an outdoor party, you know? Thanks anyway.”

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How Cute, You Learned A New Vocab

, , , , | Right | June 24, 2008

Customer: “I want this particular size in this particular style of jeans.”

Me: “Well, I don’t see your size out here, so let me check the back.”

(I go to check the stock room, even though I know we’re out.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re all out.”

Customer: “You’re persecuting me.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You heard me; you’re persecuting me.”

Me: “…I can check with the store across town to see if they have what you’re looking for.”

Customer: “Fine.”

(The store across town has a pair of the jeans in question. I ask the customer if she wants to go pick them up; the store will have them on hold for her.)

Customer: “You mean I have to drive all the way across town?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “You’re persecuting me.”

Me: “Well, if you can wait until tomorrow afternoon, we can have the other store ship them and you can pick them up here.”

Customer: “So, you want me to wait an extra day and make an extra trip back here for a pair of jeans.”

Me: “Or drive across town for them today, yes.”

Customer: “You’re persecuting me.”

Me: “…”

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Dora The Exploder

| Right | June 23, 2008

Customer: “Hi, I’d like one of those balloons. The Dora one, please?”

Me: “Sure thing!”

Customer: “What do you fill those with? Propane?”

Me: “(!?) Uh, no. Helium.”

Customer: “Is it going to explode in my car?”

Me: “No, it shouldn’t…”

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